Eating Disorder

ARM10

This has been resolved. Many thanks for all the advice!

Joons

I can only sympathise with you, I think you're taking on something I doubt I could. The spending must stop but how you do that I don't know, sorry, just didn't want to read and run. I would reckon until she actually really wants to change, then things won't for her.

Takeaway_Addict

have you spoke to her about this and does she accept there is a problem?

If she does then I suggest you look for overeaters anonymous groups as they also cater for anorexia and bulimia and binge eating etc

Takeaway_Addict

http://www.oagb.org.uk/

Try this, She has an addiction, just like gambling, drinking etc and needs to work on recovery one day at a time.

Unfortunately for you, she is the only one that can want to do it and will do it.

Sorry

Takeaway_Addict

ARM10 wrote: »

She does want to change and I do talk to her about it candidly. She's been formally diagnosed by the doctors and she accepts there's a problem.

But I can't be too hard on her in case it brings about suicidal tendencies etc. She's already had the emergency services several times. I'm really at a loss, but I love her so much!

Can I just say well done you (and I don't mean it patronisingly as alot of partners would have fled) as well because its not easy on you by any stretch of the imagination.

Make sure through it all you do look after yourself and do treat yourself occasionally as you do not want to end up in a situation where her issues are draining you

Lara44

First of all, does your OH have a budget for fun money? Actually maybe you need to make a separate account just for this which is separate from bills and savings money. One poster on MSE calls it her 'I am so worth it' account. The only rule is that it has to be spent each month - it is strictly not for saving. It may be good to put a realistic amount in there each month and try to work with your OH on cutting it down.

There may be things that your OH can buy that are small but give her the pleasure of buying. A bunch of daffodils for the house for example, instead of a dress at £30.

Does your OH shop around for the things that she buys, or are they all strictly 'impulse' purchases? There can be a huge range in price for the same item if you buy online using discount codes and cashback sites, or second hand from ebay. Maybe you could ask her not to stop shopping, but to shop a little bit differently. For example going out clothes shopping to the high street, but not purchasing then and there, and instead coming home and finding deals for any particular item she likes. This may be quite difficult for someone with poor impulse control, but the buzz of getting a good deal can be a reward too.

Does she buy a lot of clothes that go unworn? It might be good to encourage her to 'shop from her wardrobe' the next time she'd like something new. Some things that may have been rejected might simply need altering to bring them into good use. Also it might be good to suggest that she uses a personal shopping service at one of the department stores to get clothes that she really likes that suit her. Buying clothes more effectively might encourage her to buy less.

If she spends quite a lot each month on items you could also encourage her to sell these regularly on ebay. A big clearout could fund the fun money account for a couple of months.

Are there any restaurants that you regularly go to which do discount or loyalty cards? You could use supermarket loyalty cards for extra treats.

heartbreak_star

Is it possible she could be hospitalised for a while and treated "in-house" to break her binge cycle?

What does she like to binge on? Are there lower-cost/healthier alternatives?

Does she have any real hobbies? One could help.

Wish I knew what else to say *hugs*

HBS x

heartbreak_star

You're gonna have to put the brakes on the expensive stuff where you can. Sadly, what she needs is for people to stop enabling her.

I will be upfront and say I am an ex-bulimic. It took me a long time to open up about it, and she is lucky to have you.

However, on the other hand - it took someone putting their foot down and having a right go to realise how selfish my disorder was making me. I wasn't "me" anymore.

To quote Skins - "I stopped eating, and everyone had to do what I said. That was powerful."

Obviously this might not work with your lady. But I think you taking control of all the finances for a while will help greatly. As to hobbies - get one of your own. Make yourself unavailable just one night a week. That might help her see that you're OK with her going out. Also do something shared - even just going for a walk in the park.

What she deep-down needs to realise is that she has to take responsibility and, more importantly, that she can. EDs are often a subconscious attempt to regress to childhood - an easier, more fun time for most people. Does her counselling also help her with her guilty feelings etc?

Sorry if I've rambled, just working from my own experience!

With lots of love and best wishes to you both,

HBS x

fluffnutter

ARM10 wrote: »

Hello,

My OH half has had a chronic eating disorder since her early teens (she's now in her 20's). She's been prescribed antidepressants and in the past 2 years the emergency services have been used several times.

I've always supported her entirely but now that we're engaged and expect to be married, I'm considering the financial cost for the future. Each month she spends up to and often over our household income on food, cosmetics, and other items, partly to satisfy her food binge addiction and partly in an attempt to make herself feel better by spending.

She's already received extensive medical / health treatment for the disorder, so I'm really looking for advice on how to contain the financial impact of the illness. I know she relapses, becomes moody and her condition worsens if confronted. On the other hand I know we can't save money, plan for our pensions, and budget ourselves meaningfully into the future.

She also likes to go out, visit places, and socialise - the distraction helps with her illness and stops her binging. This costs money which I'm not sure we can afford in the long term. I'm quite thrify and self content to stay in and finding a compromise stresses me.

I know the illness isn't her fault so I can't blame her for it, but I do want to plan for the future. Does anyone have any advice ?

Stressed. Help.

I'm sorry to hear about this. It must be very stressful and upsetting.

But, somebody shoot me... I can't help thinking that if your main concern about your girlfriend's eating disorder is how much money it's going to cost you... hmm, perhaps you shouldn't be getting married. What about her health?? Her happiness?? Her ability to lead a full life? Her ability to have children?? And you're worried about the bank balance.... Jeez.

adandem

I think your gf's illness needs to be seriously treated before any wedding plans/financial plans are made. I say that as someone who lives with someone with an ED so know the extent of the problem.

In many ways, and I feel bad for saying this, but you are not helping her by providing the means for the illness to thrive, you need to stand up to the illness and in time she will gain the strength to do the same. She is going to need lots of help and it can be a long process which sometimes never ends.

I would encourage you both to put plans on hold for now. Your gf is lucky that you are willing to stand by her and I'm sure you realise that you have a long and difficult time ahead of you.

The triggers for ED's are different for everyone and sometimes very complex which is why you need to get expert help. BEAT is also an excellent source of information/help.
Hope it works out for you.

adandem

ARM10 wrote: »

Of course I'm concerned about her health, but this is MSE - I've left the medical / health discussions and our personal relationship issues to the relevant forums.

I know you probably don't want to hear this but I don't think you should be even thinking about how to financially support your gf's current spending habits?
I think that is what fluffnutter was trying to say.;)