What do you do if you are a single mother2b with toddlers also...

tiff

Once your baby is born, how about going to toddler groups with your children, in order to meet other Mums in your area? At least if you make some friendships you can take it in turns to help each other out.

Please read RachieB's suggestions above, you need to count your OH out of the equation as he is not reliable. You need to stand on your own two feet and make some firm arrangements, dont bury your head in the sand. I know its easy for me to say. Could you not asking your SIL from Finland to help out or is that out of the question?

tiff

What area do you live in?

I feel angry that you have a MIL, FIL, SIL and BIL and they are all busy socialising while you could be having a baby with kids to look after.

Keep in touch and let us know if you need more help x

Tustastic

Dear Tokochick, so sorry to hear how worried you are about the coming birth of your baby and whether you will bond with him.
I very much second the advice to plan for the worst and hope for the best i.e. talk to your HV about what practical official help would be on offer if you are on your own with your older two boys when you go into labour. There are some wonderful people out there who do emergency child-minding and foster care and there is no shame in using their help if you need it.
Once you've got a plan in place, you can give the details to your OH and his relatives. They can either just thank you for letting them know where you and the boys might be that weekend, or they can offer you some help themselves.
BTW, friends of mine have never got over calling one set of in-laws to say baby number 2 was on the way so could they come and look after the toddler as had been agreed months before. 'Sorry, we've had this night out planned for ages.' was the answer. So you're not alone.
Also start planning for the future. Three children by an unsupportive partner is enough really, isn't it? This way of living is stressful for you, but you are an adult and you have chosen it. The little ones haven't.
Final point; your sig names a racer. Is this a random choice or your partner's name? If it's him, perhaps best not to name him on a big public forum like this unless he has expressly asked you to do so.
Hope this helps and hope it all works out well for you and your not-so-little family.

JULIE

oh honey,
just reading the above brings tears to my eyes..let alone what you must be going through.

i can't offer much in the way of advice thats any different to the other posts on here....but i'm really thinking of you...i wish i was close to help but im in plymouth....

you're doing a wonderful job at being a mum, trying to keep it all together and smooth for the children, be proud of yourself and the wonderful little beings you've created....you made them...that's a little fascinating miracle in itself..and you've got another coming...(if no problems with pregnancy why not have home birth...chances are they'll sleep through it all and during day i'm sure a midwife would come out to you and see you have no help and will be able to make a couple of calls even if its to get someone over to sit with them in a different room)

please keep us up to date on your progress...it may just be good to get things off your chest and get different perspectives on things...

please take care and try to keep calm and relax.

many hugs
julie x x x

tiff

I wish I was close to help too, but I live in the Bristol area. I've read what you've written above about your Mum and Dad, but as you are now so desperate are you sure they won't help you if you turn up on their doorstep? It might not be what you want, but surely they wouldn't turn you away?

Rachie_B

i am almost in tears here !

no one should have to go through what you are / have been going through

hard enough to have 3 children even with a supportive partner / family so without that support network no wonder you feel you cant cope

added to that the PND etc ..........

please get help,dont wallow on alone and scared, PLEASE get help and get out of a relationship thats making you feel worse!

having a man who can do this to you,and not support you and HIS children along the way is disgusting !

where will it end ? 5 ,6,7 children later and him STILL not commit ?

sorry to be harsh but please think of your little ones even if not yourself

contact the HV again and she will put you in touch with Homestart,sure start and social services

dont feel bad about accepting help,you are not womder woman you need help and fast

(((hugs)))

Elle00

OMG Tokochick - it's like reading my own life story!!! I too married in Scotland (good old Gretna Green) as my family were being *&"$!!"!s. I was supposed to be eloping but my then fiance decided to invite his entire family and turn it into some kind of mini-wedding with the focus being entirely on my then fiance and his family. Nice.

It's safe to say I was pretty miserable about the whole affair but hoped a honeymoon would turn things around. Nope. Husband admitted to being £20k in debt (turned out to be £35k actually) and just as I had reached my limit I realised I was pg...

So no divorce, nope, I felt I had no choice but to work things out. I wanted an abortion at 10wks but husband talked me out of it. Things just went a bit black from there really. We moved to a town 25 miles away to clear the bulk of the debt by freeing up the equity in his home as our home town is a pricey place to live. 4 days after moving, I had the baby 4wks early by emergency elective caesarean.

They watched me like a hawk for the first three hours as I'd been hideously stressed and depressed and even said if they didn't give me a date when they'd cut the damn thing out of me I didn't think I'd like my baby one little bit. See I didn't think of him as a baby, more like this thing inside me making me ill because I had been constantly ill from 6wks pg. It later transpired I'm allergic to penicillin and Ibuprofen as well as Lactose intolerant but at the time, no-one knew why I was constantly ill.

As soon as I was seen to change a nappy without problems, that was the support over and done with. I was shipped off to the ward minus catheter and drip (just 8hrs after major surgery) and left to my own devices. Fortunately, I had made my mind up that no matter what, I would do my best to "go through the motions" and just wait and see how I felt. Fortunately that attitude paid off big time and I was totally in love with my baby after just 24hrs of bonding.

I still got PND as wasn't surprising with my history of depression and all the stress of moving home and being isolated in a strange area. I knew my baby was ill from a few weeks old but got dismissed as attention seeking because of my history of "mental illness". Eventually I called an ambulance at 7wks old and it was discovered my baby had severe anaemia, an infection and was milk intolerant as I'd said all along. That was what tipped me over the edge.

I gained 4st in weight in just a few months and slept at every available opportunity. My husband was an a****** to me and even hit me a few times. Eventually when baby was 6m old my husband punched me square in the breast and cleared off to his Mum and Dad's. I had begged him to go to counselling with me on numerous occasions but everytime he refused. So that was where it ended.

Fortunately, despite my deep depression I always loved that baby. Sometimes I thought I resented him but deep down I never really did - I loved him and it was him I kept going for. He was always so happy and chirpy and I always ensured he had a good routine, decent clothes and healthy home cooked meals. It was myself I struggled to look after.

Eventually I got a privately rented flat back in my home town and claimed Housing Benefit and Income Support. From there I returned to work, joined in with local baby singing sessions and toddler groups and started seeing old friends regularly.

These days my son is a bright and healthy 20m old and I'm 3st lighter with a new found zest for life. I take a very low dose of antidepressant and always try to look for positives when things get on top of me to get me through any low days. I also do CBT type things (yay for self-help books LOL) like going for a walk in the sunshine or having a nice warm bath if I need a boost.

You know what? My Mother once told me "you're just like me, you have to learn to live with your depression". Rubbish! You have to learn to live AROUND your depression. When things get really bad you have to sit down with a pen and paper and decide how you can get around as many of the problems you are facing as possible and try to think of ways your problems can be solved. Once you realise there are solutions, you'll be amazed how much better able to cope you are. It's the uncertainty and the prospect of a depressing future most of us prone to depression struggle with so the best thing to do is have realistic goals and have things to look forwards to. The first thing you have to do is make the decision to get better and you'll be surprised how things will gradually start to feel less overwhelming and upsetting over time.

With regards to getting PND again, well you are much more likely to than someone with no history of depression. But firstly, you are now much better equipped to deal with it if it happens again and secondly you know this time round that you WILL get through it because you did last time. And there are loads of different kinds of PND too you know; I could look after bubs just fine but not myself, my friend had this anxiety thing that meant she couldn't let her baby out of her sight for the first year and hardly slept. The chances of you getting the same kind of very severe PND you had before are pretty slim.

What I am trying to say to you is that even though I know it doesn't feel that way right now, there IS hope. I know because I was such an emotional wreck 14m ago that I wound up in hospital having slashed my arm up and yelling at a psychiatrist who in turn told SS to take my baby away!!! SS sent him to his paternal Grandparents for a weekend and after he was returned to me sick and underdressed that was it for me, I knew no-one could care for my baby the way I could and made up my mind that I'd find a way no matter what. And the moral of the story? I did find that way in the end. I found a good GP, got support from my local Home Start and started taking better care of myself. In the end, I like to think I came good. I'm hoping to return to work full-time shortly as it will mean I have more purpose in life that's just about me. My long-term goal is to have a career I'm proud of, pass a level III computing diploma as I've recently finished level II, buy a nearly new car and some day, when I earn enough, buy a share in my very own home. I never thought these things would be possible in the past until I finally realised that heck, I'm just as good a person and have just as much of a contribution to make as everybody else!

Rachie_B

Elle what a positive outcome :lovethoug
wishing you and your son well for the future and hoping you achieve all you want in life :T

misswig

OMG:eek: :eek:

I thought my exH was bad but this man put his HOBBY before the health of his new born son and toddler, not to mention your health and feelings.

Now it appears he is doing it again:mad: :eek: You have to ask the question has he really changed??:rolleyes

You have to ask yourself is this the best relationship for you and your children?

Have you any family at all that could come to stay with you pending the birth of your new son

My heart goes out to you and i wish you all the best

Vxx

Tustastic

TokochickUK wrote: »

Yes i chose my marriage and husband, My children did not chose me, hence so many times i have thought I know im not enough for the and they would be better with people who could offer them stability and two parents and lots of family support. I know this and if I could take back the fact that I am their mum but not their lives I would just to save them.

It is hubbys name, as racer and full names are in all programs for meetings he attends, also in local papers. But thank you for pointing it out all the same.

Tokochick, I am appalled at what sounds like barbaric treatment for a very unwell mother of a newborn. Back in my nursing days, years ago, I helped look after a young mother with terrible PND. We actually helped her nab the baby away from the bossy in-laws who seemed to think they could just shove her into a mental ward and waltz off with her dearly loved firstborn boy. The two of them lived - SAFELY - on the ward for several weeks while she gradually got better and was able to do more for him. It was a pleasure to know them. It sounds as though mental health nursing has gone backwards in some parts of the country. Why not ask your HV or GP how they could help you get decent acute mental health care if you needed it after number three son arrives?
Also, I don't believe for a moment that you are not good enough for your sons. You are the most important person in their lives. That is why you must treat yourself - and demand to be treated by others - with more respect from now on.
About the sig again - you are disclosing a lot of personal information on here, which, perhaps, neither your husband nor your in-laws would appreciate reading about themselves on a public forum. Please consider changing it, to avoid causing needless family upset. HTH