Helping husband with ADD... ad helping myself

Sommer43

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Fair enough.

My brother has it. He has NEVER kicked a chair, shouted at his wife or thrown a paddy that scares her. Because its unacceptable and he knows it. One of my boyfriends had a severe case, was medicated as a child and went to a special school because he couldn't cope with normal school. He never took out his frustrations on me or my home.

My eldest's first boyfriend has it. He never kicked off at her, but he would at his parents, because he knew he could get away with it with them, but not her.


If anyone's oh is leaving them feeling like they're treading on eggshells, because they might explode at any minute, then that is unacceptable.

If they're capable of controlling themselves outside the house, they're capable of doing it inside.


But hey, if the poor love gets mad, he can't really help it, can he? It's not his fault somebody made him kick the furniture around, is it? And nobody else can possibly understand him like his partner does, he's special because he's not the violent type, he just leaves family scared of what's going to send him off again next time.

So on the basis of that experience, I would say that clearly defined boundaries of acceptable behaviour give them something to be going on. A new normal, making it clear that such things will no longer be tolerated would be a good start. Rather than attacking other people for saying stuff you don't want to hear.

I do agree that once a disorder is diagnosed, there are behaviourial issues that can be and should be controlled. So, I get your points here.

My mother is a diagnosed schizophrenic and many people put her behaviour down to her mental health. I fly a one man plane there, because I know the difference between her schizohrenia and what is unacceptable behaviour. My mother is very cunning and because she's been allowed to get away with shabby behaviour because mental health teams and her doctor say "She's mentally unwell" I do not accept many of my mother's behaviours. Her laziness, her leaving on the grill dangerously so that she could set fire to her building and kill ten other people. Her inability to put clean underwear on. Her lack of personal hygiene, (a symptom of schizophrenia, however a behaviour that can be learned and made to become a habit, just like you and I know to wash our hands after going to the lav, however, distressed and mentally worn out we are, we will wash our hands)

So yes, behaviour is one aspect that can be controlled. Not hurting people and basically being a decent member of the human race.

But, Londoner has not stated that he is going around smashing up things... He threw something and it hit her and she too got angry, that's a normal human reaction. Just like my husband who is very strong, grabbed me by the shoulder to give me a hug and it hurt, ~(given the fact I have a torn tendon in my shoulder) but that wasn't in an aggressive manner, he sometimes forgets that I am not a bag of cement that he is carting around a building site. So I tell him that hurts and can he please be a little more gentle. Normal husband and wife behaviour.

londoner1998

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Fair enough.

My brother has it. He has NEVER kicked a chair, shouted at his wife or thrown a paddy that scares her. Because its unacceptable and he knows it. One of my boyfriends had a severe case, was medicated as a child and went to a special school because he couldn't cope with normal school. He never took out his frustrations on me or my home.

My eldest's first boyfriend has it. He never kicked off at her, but he would at his parents, because he knew he could get away with it with them, but not her.


If anyone's oh is leaving them feeling like they're treading on eggshells, because they might explode at any minute, then that is unacceptable.

If they're capable of controlling themselves outside the house, they're capable of doing it inside.


But hey, if the poor love gets mad, he can't really help it, can he? It's not his fault somebody made him kick the furniture around, is it? And nobody else can possibly understand him like his partner does, he's special because he's not the violent type, he just leaves family scared of what's going to send him off again next time.

So on the basis of that experience, I would say that clearly defined boundaries of acceptable behaviour give them something to be going on. A new normal, making it clear that such things will no longer be tolerated would be a good start. Rather than attacking other people for saying stuff you don't want to hear.

I appreciate you had these experiences, Jojo- but they are YOUR experiences, not mine, and I think you should avoid projecting them when you respond to other people's posts.

I never said I walk on eggshells with my husband- again, you are talking about somebody else. My husband has what is classified as a disability and you are painting him as an abusive man: I do not appreciate this because is simply not true. For all his faults, he is a devoted father, a loving husband and a very kind man. Whatever experiences you had, they are yours, not mine. So take this as you like, but if people ask for advice, it is not very nice (or kind) to launch into criticism and judgement of people based on your own experiences.

Like Sommer said, I am more than capable to deal with my affairs and my marriage and while we are not perfect, I consider myself fortunate to have the marriage I have: a marriage that has weathered many a storm and remains a source of wonder and joy, challenges included. Please do not patronise people by assuming and telling them they are being abused when they have never stated anything in that regard, most people know when this is the case. Even if they get angry sometimes, not all men are wife-beaters (thank God!)

londoner1998

Back to topic: any advice on how to support someone with ADD will be most welcome.

Sommer43

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

There will be other people reading who also think getting the odd dig from their partner isn't abuse because he has ADD/ADHD.

Or that throwing stuff about, screaming abuse for what isn't their fault or responsibility isn't abuse because hey, well, he's never actually hit me, so it's ok, he's just a bit stressed.


Chronic pain can make you feel irritable. But it doesn't make you verbally tear someone into little pieces.

If somebody truly had no control over their actions, they'd be in residential care of some description. Or prison. For everybody else, whatever their starting point, they have enough control to behave appropriately. And no disability, whether acquired, whether congenital, whether physical or mental or learning, is an acceptable reason to behave aggressively.

Yes, here I agree. I don't tolerate aggressive behaviour and I will never tolerate it. But I am perfectly capable of standing up for myself and telling him it is unacceptable behaviour. I don't need to cause mayhem and accuse him of abuse when it is not. It is hard to deal with when it happens. However, I also know that sometimes I can be aggressive in retaliation. I have never seen my husband punch a wall or punch anything or smash anything up in a rage. Yet he does have rages when things go wrong. Am I frightened? No. Do I feel safe? Yes. Do I feel frustrated? Yes, but emotional intelligence tells me that I can handle it and it is never excused.

The opening post is not about how Londoner should handle her aggressive husband, it is about how she copes with a diagnosis of a condition. How she supports and copes with her husband. We are not talking about a man who beats or verbally abuses his wife. We are talking about a man who is coming to terms with a diagnosis and as a couple, they are finding a way through. Think we might need to get things in perspective here before Londoner becomes a battered wife.

jackyann

There are a lot of resources from the US, where I am sorry to say, ADD is fairly big business.
This UK organisation has imported some of the more helpful books and resources: http://www.addiss.co.uk/
Can be expensive, but I have asked libraries to get them in. Lots of useful info for adults.

aliasojo

londoner1998 wrote: »

We have been together for over ten years and married for almost one: in the last year it as got worse. How do I help him but also help myself .......

I'm not sure that you can.

ADD/ADHD isn't a habit that can be unlearned. Unfortunately! You can't change the psyche by external means so there's not much you can do. It's not about being a wee bit forgetful or a wee bit hyper. It's so much deeper than that as I'm sure you will know.

A person with ADD has a different version of 'normal' and this will never gel with the usual 'normal' most of us would accept.

I was told by a Consultant that "people with ADD do not recognise in themselves, the things that annoy them in others". So this means they can become angry or annoyed with someone despite the fact they may do the very same thing. Simple things like someone leaving the top off the toothpaste can become a big problem despite the fact they themselves may leave the top off something else! Basic analogy but you get my point.

They can have issues with understanding 'tone' (so a conversation that may seem entirely natural and balanced to us may be interpreted as condescending or accusatory to them for example). They will often have an emotional kneejerk reaction to something and will internally personalise the aspects involved so a conversation about a bad situation that they are involved in can easily become a conversation about them being bad in some way.

This affects many areas of life and in my experience it gets worse with age. All you can do is try to smooth things before they happen. Much in the way you would with a child. And, just as a child needs encouragement to consider all aspects of something, so does a person with ADD. Otherwise they are prone to kneejerking and may make poor decisions. People with ADD are also not particularly good at showing an interest in things that don't hold their interest, so it's not surprising your husband glazed over during conversation OP.

The hardest thing (imo) is learning not to take things personally. It's not about you, it's not that he doesn't care, it's just that he can't be what he's not. And sometimes that means you need to be your own emotional support.

Sommer43

I think this is fascinating, aliasjo.

Carer

I don't think you can help him either.

But you can help yourself. My adult son has this and over the years I've found that walking away and not reacting to the rages is usually the best.
It's hard to do and my OH still reacts to it on occasion, causing a bigger meltdown!

The mood swings can be hard to deal with but he will have forgotten/gotten over whatever it was that set him off within a few mins, whereas if I react to it, it will just escalate.

I'm not sure if counselling will help your husband or not, it certainly won't change the way his brain is wired. I am really anti-medication for this. I fought the doctors long and hard over it, as I saw no point in pumping a child full of chemicals just so they seem "normal" to the rest of the world. I strongly believe they need to learn to function and cope in (and with) the world in their own way.

What worked for us was clear boundaries, we have never tolerated violence or abuse towards us, but he was (and sometimes still is) violent towards items and his language can be abysmal (although, again, never directly at us).
He has no patience at all, obsesses over things to the point of ignoring all else while focused and like Aliasojo said, don't expect any input at all if it's something he isn't interested in.

exarmydreamer

My 3 boys all have severe ADHD, and take medication for it.

There are good books available on the subject from: https://www.jkp.co.uk
This is the Jessica Kingsley Publishers, they have books and other information available for ADHD/ADD and Autistic Spectrum Disorders, (ASD) of which two of my boys are autistic as well.