Helping husband with ADD... ad helping myself

londoner1998

Sommer43 wrote: »

Well, you've grabbed my attention. My husband is a nightmare when it comes to dealing with any bank, hospital, DWP. He cannot bear it if I so much as put the washing machine on anything other than a fast wash. He slips into a rage and they are completely uncontrollable.

His bank charged him for slipping over his overdraft and it was my fault entirely. I pay money into his bank account for bills and he refuses to believe that anything goes in. He will actually stand there and deny it, when every Monday, I transfer money and it is there in black and white that the money is in. It has gotten me to the stage where I am finding the situation stressful. I did speak with his doctor when he went last week for his knee injection and his doctor told me that his chronic pain is what causes the aggression.

My patience today is running low. Can I ask, how old is your husband? Mine is 54, yet when he's calm and relaxed, he is wonderful and loving and funny and we have a great time. I really have to bite my tongue... YOur husband is not in denial, mine would very much be so. I am not convinced anything is wrong with my husband, only that cognitively he is unable to manage his anger.

It's a very difficult one, but you have a diagnosis. Is there a support group you could join? Even if online, it will mean you can have a place to let off steam.

I so feel for you. Understand a little what you're going through. it's so hard when we see the ones we love in this state. Does he ever take any of his frustration out on you? My husband was medically retired six years ago and he has never been able to come to terms with this.

He is 33- he is really creative and very good at his job (which involves a lot of unpredictable tasks to be done and long hours- it suits him). At least now that he got a diagnosis he is keeping his weekly swim session and seems more committed to help himself.
I am just finding it very hard to keep up with all this...

Sommer43

What prompted him for the diagnostic process, londoner?

Did you encourage him to get some help? I think RAS has made such a crucial point in all of this, in that he thought his behaviour was normal and you clearly did not see it as normal. So now, he has to come to terms with this.

My husband has never come to terms with his "normal" being told he had the spine of a 69 year old at 36 and then a subsequent heart attack at 37 years old. He's a doer and needs to keep his mind active and because he can't throw bricks around and lug bags of cement onto his shoulders, he feels completely useless.

How long since he's been diagnosed and what help is there in place for you? He is determined to help himself, fantastic, but are you feeling as though you're able to cope? Do you feel heavily burdened with it all? He is an adult and while he has a condition, if he's holding down a job, then he's responsible and able to function. Is their room for him to improve his functioning? Is he a positive person naturally?

meritaten

There are websites on coping with adult ADD/ADHD, I cant recommend a specific one as it is a while since I did any research on them.
OP - your OH is lucky to have a diagnosis - my son is 29 now and I have known since he was a littleun he has this condition - and its only now that the mental health team have started to entertain it seriously. so it will be a while yet before he even goes for the tests.

He is lucky in that you are so understanding - please continue to be so - he has a lot of challenges ahead - not least his sense of 'normalcy'.
I know that with your help he can get life on track and at least his job suits him down to the ground! Patience is required, and that is the hardest thing in the world for ADD/ADHD sufferers!

I wish you and OH all the best and hope you find the support and help you BOTH need.

londoner1998

Sommer43 wrote: »

What prompted him for the diagnostic process, londoner?

Did you encourage him to get some help? I think RAS has made such a crucial point in all of this, in that he thought his behaviour was normal and you clearly did not see it as normal. So now, he has to come to terms with this.

My husband has never come to terms with his "normal" being told he had the spine of a 69 year old at 36 and then a subsequent heart attack at 37 years old. He's a doer and needs to keep his mind active and because he can't throw bricks around and lug bags of cement onto his shoulders, he feels completely useless.

How long since he's been diagnosed and what help is there in place for you? He is determined to help himself, fantastic, but are you feeling as though you're able to cope? Do you feel heavily burdened with it all? He is an adult and while he has a condition, if he's holding down a job, then he's responsible and able to function. Is their room for him to improve his functioning? Is he a positive person naturally?

Hello Sommer,

the diagnosis came by chance: we were having a chat about my thoughts about work (I was thinking of looking for something else as it became very stressful, very long hours and definetely not what I signed for) on a Sunday evening and he glazed over after about two minutes. This is something I have noticed him doing from the beginning and it can be very frustrating when you are talking about something important. I was in the process of preparing an application form and although mildly annoyed, I joked something on the lines of: ' oh, OK, off goes the conversation: I can't deal with your ADD right now' and went back to the application to avoid an argument. I have been working with adult students for about 8 months and have a few that suffer from severe ADD/ADHD, so we often talk about how I have to adapt my sessions (they can't keep switched on for very long )). He went online to do an ADD test and after doing three different ones he come to me and said: 'I think you were right: I might have ADD'.
Baed on my experience with muy students, I encouraged him to talk to a a Disability officer at work (he works in a UNiversity) and he did another test and had a chat- he felt better after that, but a bit unsettled. He got then referred to the GP and he is now trying to set up an appointment with a Counsellor. All this has taken place within the last month. He has been really proactive about seeking help and for me, it has been a mixture of relief but also a bit of fear- how will I manage if he gets worse??. He has always known he is 'different' but I guess getting a diagnosis is a different business altogether.
He is highly functioning at work and he also often works from home, never has a porblem putting as many hours as needed. In fact , he often gets lost in it for hours on end (he does the same with his music: time disappears). He is never , ever late for work ( he is incredibly good at getting up extra early and leaving with plenty of time just in case) and I think he trained himself to manage that side of things to keep in employment. He was in his last (p/t) job for 5 years and I think changing jobs a year ago has proven challenging for him (his manager is a bit of a handful and he has struggled to get his overtime paid). It is only when you look at how he 'files' his receipts and bills, how he deals with his clothes and things at home and how he switches from conversation to conversation that you realise something is off. But I have noticed he is making an effort and trying to be more 'present' when we talk. I just sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed.

I think I might go and get some books on the subject specifically for couples , just to help myself. He is a generally positive person and I have tried to be really encouraging regarding his finances, as things are really getting better for him on that side. I guess I will have to keep in mind my times with PTSD and accept that he is capable of just so much at a time and try to have a bit more compassion: after all he doesn't do it because he doesn't care.

Thank you all for your advice: it does help- yesterday I was feeling a bit ragged.

xx

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Aggression should never be tolerated.

NO diagnosis makes it OK to scream and shout or smash things up. It's insulting to other men with ADD/ADHD to suggest that things which come under the umbrella of domestic abuse are normal for them.

It ISN'T.


They do not smash up offices. They do not smash up pubs or bus stops. Because they know it's a criminal act and don't fancy the consequences, ie, a criminal record. Don't fall into the trap that he can't help it.

londoner1998

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Aggression should never be tolerated.

NO diagnosis makes it OK to scream and shout or smash things up. It's insulting to other men with ADD/ADHD to suggest that things which come under the umbrella of domestic abuse are normal for them.

It ISN'T.


They do not smash up offices. They do not smash up pubs or bus stops. Because they know it's a criminal act and don't fancy the consequences, ie, a criminal record. Don't fall into the trap that he can't help it.

Hi Jojo,

My husband doesn't smash offices, or bus stops or the pub, so before you pass a judgement like that, I invite you to read my post properly.

My post is not about abuse (and nobody in it has said that it is ok to abuse others, BTW), it is about how can I help my husband and myself to navigate an ADD diagnosis, so let's keep to the topic: have you got any suggestions regarding that?

We have met here before and it seems you are always more than ready to jump in making comments that are more often than not insensitive and almost always your own projection of reality.

If you have something useful, or previous experience of ADD that might help my husband and I to deal with the diagnosis, I will be glad to hear it. Otherwise, please talk about domestic abuse somewhere else, because this is not the place for it: sadly there are people out there being abused, both men and women), but I am not one of them and I don't think passing judgment on my husband and marriage is something you can do.

Sommer43

londoner1998 wrote: »

Hello Sommer,

the diagnosis came by chance: we were having a chat about my thoughts about work (I was thinking of looking for something else as it became very stressful, very long hours and definetely not what I signed for) on a Sunday evening and he glazed over after about two minutes. This is something I have noticed him doing from the beginning and it can be very frustrating when you are talking about something important. I was in the process of preparing an application form and although mildly annoyed, I joked something on the lines of: ' oh, OK, off goes the conversation: I can't deal with your ADD right now' and went back to the application to avoid an argument. I have been working with adult students for about 8 months and have a few that suffer from severe ADD/ADHD, so we often talk about how I have to adapt my sessions (they can't keep switched on for very long )). He went online to do an ADD test and after doing three different ones he come to me and said: 'I think you were right: I might have ADD'.
Baed on my experience with muy students, I encouraged him to talk to a a Disability officer at work (he works in a UNiversity) and he did another test and had a chat- he felt better after that, but a bit unsettled. He got then referred to the GP and he is now trying to set up an appointment with a Counsellor. All this has taken place within the last month. He has been really proactive about seeking help and for me, it has been a mixture of relief but also a bit of fear- how will I manage if he gets worse??. He has always known he is 'different' but I guess getting a diagnosis is a different business altogether.
He is highly functioning at work and he also often works from home, never has a porblem putting as many hours as needed. In fact , he often gets lost in it for hours on end (he does the same with his music: time disappears). He is never , ever late for work ( he is incredibly good at getting up extra early and leaving with plenty of time just in case) and I think he trained himself to manage that side of things to keep in employment. He was in his last (p/t) job for 5 years and I think changing jobs a year ago has proven challenging for him (his manager is a bit of a handful and he has struggled to get his overtime paid). It is only when you look at how he 'files' his receipts and bills, how he deals with his clothes and things at home and how he switches from conversation to conversation that you realise something is off. But I have noticed he is making an effort and trying to be more 'present' when we talk. I just sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed.

I think I might go and get some books on the subject specifically for couples , just to help myself. He is a generally positive person and I have tried to be really encouraging regarding his finances, as things are really getting better for him on that side. I guess I will have to keep in mind my times with PTSD and accept that he is capable of just so much at a time and try to have a bit more compassion: after all he doesn't do it because he doesn't care.

Thank you all for your advice: it does help- yesterday I was feeling a bit ragged.

xx

I found this such a touching post, londoner. You're clearly aware of him and his needs.

He doesn't do it because he doesn't care, just like you are trying everything because you do care. As meri pointed out, support for both of you through this is vital and you also need to be cared for. I don't know much about ADD, so I can't really offer you anything constructive in that respect. But I can see that you're completely devoted to your husband and he is clearly to you. But, while you're doing everything to ensure his needs are met, don't forget your own needs... You're important in all of this and as we are advised on planes, in the event of an emergency make sure you put the oxygen mask on you first, before you attempt to help other people.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

londoner1998 wrote: »

Hi Jojo,

My husband doesn't smash offices, or bus stops or the pub, so before you pass a judgement like that, I invite you to read my post properly.

My post is not about abuse (and nobody in it has said that it is ok to abuse others, BTW), it is about how can I help my husband and myself to navigate an ADD diagnosis, so let's keep to the topic: have you got any suggestions regarding that?

We have met here before and it seems you are always more than ready to jump in making comments that are more often than not insensitive and almost always your own projection of reality.

If you have something useful, or previous experience of ADD that might help my husband and I to deal with the diagnosis, I will be glad to hear it. Otherwise, please talk about domestic abuse somewhere else, because this is not the place for it: sadly there are people out there being abused, both men and women), but I am not one of them and I don't think passing judgment on my husband and marriage is something you can do.

Fair enough.

My brother has it. He has NEVER kicked a chair, shouted at his wife or thrown a paddy that scares her. Because its unacceptable and he knows it. One of my boyfriends had a severe case, was medicated as a child and went to a special school because he couldn't cope with normal school. He never took out his frustrations on me or my home.

My eldest's first boyfriend has it. He never kicked off at her, but he would at his parents, because he knew he could get away with it with them, but not her.


If anyone's oh is leaving them feeling like they're treading on eggshells, because they might explode at any minute, then that is unacceptable.

If they're capable of controlling themselves outside the house, they're capable of doing it inside.


But hey, if the poor love gets mad, he can't really help it, can he? It's not his fault somebody made him kick the furniture around, is it? And nobody else can possibly understand him like his partner does, he's special because he's not the violent type, he just leaves family scared of what's going to send him off again next time.

So on the basis of that experience, I would say that clearly defined boundaries of acceptable behaviour give them something to be going on. A new normal, making it clear that such things will no longer be tolerated would be a good start. Rather than attacking other people for saying stuff you don't want to hear.

Sommer43

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Aggression should never be tolerated.

NO diagnosis makes it OK to scream and shout or smash things up. It's insulting to other men with ADD/ADHD to suggest that things which come under the umbrella of domestic abuse are normal for them.

It ISN'T.


They do not smash up offices. They do not smash up pubs or bus stops. Because they know it's a criminal act and don't fancy the consequences, ie, a criminal record. Don't fall into the trap that he can't help it.

Jojo

Are'nt we faced with aggression in many ways? My husband has an aggressive streak in him, but he has never hit me and I do find it hard at times to deal with. He does manage his anger very well. Londoner has not stated that her husband is smashing things up, she has stated that her husband can become aggressive in his nature and underneath she knows that it is borne out of frustration. She's coping, but asking for guidance on how to find her way through... She certainly doesnt strike me as a woman who is abused. Quite the opposite, she strikes me as a woman who loves her husband and that she is supporting him in his diagnosis.

Just like when I asked my husband's GP about his aggression, his GP explained to me that due to the chronic pain, it can cause irritability, when I thought it was perhaps the mountain of medication he was on. I don't think Londoner just takes the aggression, just like I don't. But I know for sure my husband would never hit me. He gets angry about certain things and can be strident in his discourse and verbally, he can be quite nasty, but hurt me? No, I can safely say that.

While domestic abuse should not be tolerated, abuse is now such an ambiguous issue. Financial abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse are all huge umbrellas for many, many situations. What may frighten one woman, may well be handled totally different by another. There are no clear guidelines where abuse begins. There are also many women who abuse men. Emotional abuse is not a criminal offence, as isn't financial abuse (unless one partner has committed fraud and that's another area which is very hard to prove between a couple) physical abuse and sexual abuse have aspects of what is considerd criminality. Let's not forget, people can stand up for themselves and work through their problems without it being abuse.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

There will be other people reading who also think getting the odd dig from their partner isn't abuse because he has ADD/ADHD.

Or that throwing stuff about, screaming abuse for what isn't their fault or responsibility isn't abuse because hey, well, he's never actually hit me, so it's ok, he's just a bit stressed.


Chronic pain can make you feel irritable. But it doesn't make you verbally tear someone into little pieces.

If somebody truly had no control over their actions, they'd be in residential care of some description. Or prison. For everybody else, whatever their starting point, they have enough control to behave appropriately. And no disability, whether acquired, whether congenital, whether physical or mental or learning, is an acceptable reason to behave aggressively.