Helping husband with ADD... ad helping myself

londoner1998

Hi All,

I have looked around the forum for something about this but can not find it.. so here we go:

It seems my husband is quite likely to be suffering from adult ADD/ADHD (Attention Deficit Disorder), which goes a long way to explain his forgetfulness, untidiness, inability to complete tasks or keep focused in a conversation and difficulty in handling his finances (we are doing it together for the past year and is getting much better).
He has gone to the doctor, done the tests and is in the process of getting an appointment with a counsellor...but it is taking time.

But in the meantime, how do it handle it? He is not in denial (he was quite shocked to discover that his behaviour is not normal, as he thought, and immediately decided to look for help through counsellors at work), but he has been under a lot of stress at work recently and his behaviour has got more erratic and difficult to manage at home (his tolerance to frustration when dealing with banks, HMRC, etc... is almost nil. His impulsive behaviour is quite startling). He is a very hard worker but having two different jobs has become a challenge in terms of managing his stress levels and logistics of the finances.

We have been together for over ten years and married for almost one: in the last year it as got worse. How do I help him but also help myself (there are days like today that my patience is running low)?

If anyone has experience of this, insights will be much appreciated.

Thank you

Sommer43

Well, you've grabbed my attention. My husband is a nightmare when it comes to dealing with any bank, hospital, DWP. He cannot bear it if I so much as put the washing machine on anything other than a fast wash. He slips into a rage and they are completely uncontrollable.

His bank charged him for slipping over his overdraft and it was my fault entirely. I pay money into his bank account for bills and he refuses to believe that anything goes in. He will actually stand there and deny it, when every Monday, I transfer money and it is there in black and white that the money is in. It has gotten me to the stage where I am finding the situation stressful. I did speak with his doctor when he went last week for his knee injection and his doctor told me that his chronic pain is what causes the aggression.

My patience today is running low. Can I ask, how old is your husband? Mine is 54, yet when he's calm and relaxed, he is wonderful and loving and funny and we have a great time. I really have to bite my tongue... YOur husband is not in denial, mine would very much be so. I am not convinced anything is wrong with my husband, only that cognitively he is unable to manage his anger.

It's a very difficult one, but you have a diagnosis. Is there a support group you could join? Even if online, it will mean you can have a place to let off steam.

I so feel for you. Understand a little what you're going through. it's so hard when we see the ones we love in this state. Does he ever take any of his frustration out on you? My husband was medically retired six years ago and he has never been able to come to terms with this.

SavingPennies_2

londoner1998 wrote: »

Hi All,

I have looked around the forum for something about this but can not find it.. so here we go:

It seems my husband is quite likely to be suffering from adult ADD/ADHD (Attention Deficit Disorder), which goes a long way to explain his forgetfulness, untidiness, inability to complete tasks or keep focused in a conversation and difficulty in handling his finances (we are doing it together for the past year and is getting much better).
He has gone to the doctor, done the tests and is in the process of getting an appointment with a counsellor...but it is taking time.

But in the meantime, how do it handle it? He is not in denial (he was quite shocked to discover that his behaviour is not normal, as he thought, and immediately decided to look for help through counsellors at work), but he has been under a lot of stress at work recently and his behaviour has got more erratic and difficult to manage at home (his tolerance to frustration when dealing with banks, HMRC, etc... is almost nil. His impulsive behaviour is quite startling). He is a very hard worker but having two different jobs has become a challenge in terms of managing his stress levels and logistics of the finances.

We have been together for over ten years and married for almost one: in the last year it as got worse. How do I help him but also help myself (there are days like today that my patience is running low)?

If anyone has experience of this, insights will be much appreciated.

Thank you

Sorry to be controversial in the first post but could he is letting things slip more now you are married, perhaps he doesnt feel the need to make so much effort anymore, im referring to things like tidyness, completing tasks at home etc. I can see how this could be so frustrating. would it help him to contruct a list of jobs, so he can go through them methodically and ensure they get completed (ticked off) by the end of the day.

londoner1998

SavingPennies wrote: »

Sorry to be controversial in the first post but could he is letting things slip more now you are married, perhaps he doesnt feel the need to make so much effort anymore, im referring to things like tidyness, completing tasks at home etc. I can see how this could be so frustrating. would it help him to contruct a list of jobs, so he can go through them methodically and ensure they get completed (ticked off) by the end of the day.

Thanks for your post: it s actually his mood that seems to get worse, and the non-existent tolerance to set backs and frustration. He has got better with his finances: we now go through them weekly or every two weeks together, as I run the household and I am helping him to clear his overdraft (today he is in the clear for the fist time in two years). He is even saving and manages his credit card very carefully (with my help). But the impulsivity has got worse: two days ago he kicked a chair in anger and it feel over a lampshade, breaking it (it was only Ikea paper, but still). He never takes it out on me, other than raising a voice (it is then a kick to a chair or something like that, but it startles me how disproportionate the reaction is)

He is doing lists these days (on post-its... sigh) but he just threw something at me (jokingly) that fell on my foot , and it wasn't light... I lost it with him (that was after he put the wrong kind of milk in my coffee just after he asked me and got his and mine mixed up too)

Joons

I take my hat off to both of you, I don't think I could do this. As has been said, with regards to the tidyness, perhaps notes he can tick off as he does things?

Sommer43

My husband is not untidy. He hoovers three or four times a day. It helps with him exercising his spine, but hell, it drives me potty.

But, with finances, he's a spender alright. On rubbish. It's complete rubbish. Crap from poundshops. I can't stand it.

But, the anger is immense and I don't think he has what the OP's husband has, mine old man is just a cranky git who hates being told what to do. He hates the fact he claims DLA, he hates the fact that the bank do come up with charges, yet for a period of a year, he had none because I was managing it for him, then he wasn't happy with that and wanted to do it himself. Which of course, I have to do, its his bank account.

But, when he is looking for something, he pulls everything out and it is left there for hours till I get hacked off and put it away again.

Sommer43

londoner1998 wrote: »

Thanks for your post: it s actually his mood that seems to get worse, and the non-existent tolerance to set backs and frustration. He has got better with his finances: we now go through them weekly or every two weeks together, as I run the household and I am helping him to clear his overdraft (today he is in the clear for the fist time in two years). He is even saving and manages his credit card very carefully (with my help). But the impulsivity has got worse: two days ago he kicked a chair in anger and it feel over a lampshade, breaking it (it was only Ikea paper, but still). He never takes it out on me, other than raising a voice (it is then a kick to a chair or something like that, but it startles me how disproportionate the reaction is)

He is doing lists these days (on post-its... sigh) but he just threw something at me (jokingly) that fell on my foot , and it wasn't light... I lost it with him (that was after he put the wrong kind of milk in my coffee just after he asked me and got his and mine mixed up too)

Yes, I can understand this.

Wow, were it not for the diagnosis, you could be writing about my husband. How bizarre.

RAS

Hi

Your helping him in practical terms means he is making strides in your terms but is tightening the traces as far as your OH is concerned.

You are putting far more pressure on him than I suspect you realise and
1. he finds the restrictions difficult
2. he associates the discomfort with you.

The sort of aggression he demonstrates is not acceptable and I am surprised that you tolerate it.

Sommer43

RAS has a point there, OP.

I have cut myself off from helping mine with his finances slowly over the last few weeks and I simply help if he asks me. He only has two bills to pay each month physically, the rest is direct debit and he knows the dates, they have been the same since before I met him.

londoner1998

RAS wrote: »

Hi

Your helping him in practical terms means he is making strides in your terms but is tightening the traces as far as your OH is concerned.

You are putting far more pressure on him than I suspect you realise and
1. he finds the restrictions difficult
2. he associates the discomfort with you.

The sort of aggression he demonstrates is not acceptable and I am surprised that you tolerate it.

That makes sense RAS- I think I would be more helpful if I cut him a bit of slack...

His aggression is tolerated because I know what kind of person he is and I had my own issues dealing with PTSD for years due to the death of my mother: I'm not justifying it, but when the diagnosis came up, things started to make sense. He feels very bad afterwards but now he is aware of how 'not normal' this is. When he got the diagnosis the first ting he said: 'well, I thought my way of behaving was normal'. He was quite down for a couple of days but he is now more practical about it (he is down the doctors as I type trying to get an appointment with a counsellor).

RAS

Hiya

One of the things to recognise is that with diagnosis comes relief and often some sort of grief.

He thought the way he saw the world is normal. Now he can never again be normal. That is a big thing to take on; he needs time to let go of his idea of himself as a normal person and accept himself as a person with a specific disability.

I would not be surprised if he found the diagnosis physically shocking and only now is beginning to get his head round the altered perception of self.