How would you feel about this?

Butterfly01_2

Hi, I have used this site previously and got some really good advice, but I've forgotten my details so had to set up a new profile.

A bit of background; I was previously in an abusive relationship, after the relationship ended I started seeing my current OH and we have now been together for 3 years. I have got 3 children with my ex and myself and OH have had our own baby 3 months ago. OH is in the forces and often works away.

My problem; OH was working away from July 12- Jan 13 while he was away we would message, email and skype as often as we could, during one conversation he told me that his ex had been in touch with him saying that she regretted that the relationship had ended and that he had blocked her so she couldn't contact him further. At the time it upset me, but I put it down to hormones being pregnant. Fast forward to him coming home and he was showing me and email off his dad and I saw that one of his ex's was emailing him. I had no problem with it as I knew they were friends on fb but was a bit peeved that he hadn't mentioned it to me. A few days after that I asked to use his laptop to log onto my skype account, as I went to log out of his I saw that he had his ex on his skype as well. I left it for a few days as I didn't want to confront him with my immediate reaction, but it just made things worse. We ended up having our first proper argument. I asked him if the ex he was emailing and on skype was the one who said she regretted the relationship ending and he confirmed it was.

I haven't seen any of the emails or messages but apparently she got in touch with him because she found out I was pregnant and decided to then tell him that she was upset that their relationship ended. He says he told her he was happy now and pleased that we were having our daughter and that he heard nothing more until just before he came home when she told him she was now pregnant as well.

The fact that he didn't mention any of this to me is what's upset me, if he had said 'oh by the way ex has emailed me' then I would be fine but it feels like he has lied to me by not mentioning it.

How would you feel about this situation?

claire16c

My DH used to be in the forces and so I know that sometimes things can get left because when you have limited time to talk, the last thing you want to do is spent it having an argument, because then god forbid something happened - or even not, youve spent the time in between being angry with each other. Would you have wanted each precious time you spoke to each other, have him going 'oh the ex is blimming emailing me again.'

So perhaps after the initial time of telling you, she managed to find another way to contact him, he replied telling her the stuff he told you, and that was it.

Unless you have any other reasons not to trust him I dont think it sounds like you need to worry. He told you initially so its not like he lied about the entire thing.

victory

Did they live together?
How long since they split up?
Do they have any children?
How long was the relationship?

Yes he should have told you and not 'engage her' in any communication unless as he will say its perfectly innocent and they are just friends?

Butterfly01_2

I can understand him not saying anything while he was away, as at times contact was limited as you probably know the phone lines are rubbish. However a couple of the emails were sent when he got back. Before this I trusted him 100% but this has made me doubt the trust, he said he didn't say anything because he didn't think it was important, but when I asked how he'd feel if it was the other way he said he would feel the way I do.

Butterfly01_2

victory wrote: »

Did they live together?
How long since they split up?
Do they have any children?
How long was the relationship?

Yes he should have told you and not 'engage her' in any communication unless as he will say its perfectly innocent and they are just friends?

No they never lived together.
They split 4 years ago.
No, she had 2 children of her own but they never had any children together, our daughter is his only child.
The relationship ended after about a year as she asked him to leave his job- she couldn't cope with the fact that the job comes first, and he refused.

Another thing that made me question the situation is that for the past 12-18 months they were friends on facebook then not friends and she would request him again and they would be friends again, then not friends.

Northern78

My DH is in the forces and was also away from July 12 to Jan 13!

I was in a similar position as I was pregnant, DS was born 3 days after he got back.

With them being away I think it leaves us with a lot of time to dwell on things and make more of them than they actually are. I totally understand how and why you feel like you do but I also think that men just sometimes think it's not worth mentioning.

DH and I have had words before when things have happened that I've found out about via a 3rd party. Nothing to do with ex's or anything like that but it was still a case of "Why didn't you just tell me", his response is always the same, "I just didn't think or telling you".

Like claire16c said, when they are home you don't want to spend your time arguing so often things do go unsaid.

Sit down, have a chat with him, explain why you feel like you do and how he can help by being more open with things, he probably doesn't even realise it's an issue for you.

Butterfly01_2

We have sat and spoken about it, he offered to give me his passwords for his email and fb- which I refused, I want to trust him not check up on him, he has also changed his phone number so she can't contact him that way. He has said he will do anything to get the relationship back to the way it was and even offered to hand his notice in. I think normally I would have got over this quickly, however we are due to get married in just over a month and I keep worrying that I am doing the wrong thing. Maybe it's just nerves I don't know, but this feels like it's a major issue at the moment.

Any

It seems to me that he finds it unimportant and that is why he didn't even mention it to you.
They split 4 years!!!! ago and as he is happy you are pregnant she gets pregnant too?
She sounds a bit bonkers to be honest, she lets him know she is missing him and as he turns her down she then felt she had to let him know that she is happy without him... Low confidence issue.
He as a man probably just thinks "oh well, happy you are happy" and then draw a line behind the whole episode and gets on with his own life...

Any

Butterfly01 wrote: »

We have sat and spoken about it, he offered to give me his passwords for his email and fb- which I refused, I want to trust him not check up on him, he has also changed his phone number so she can't contact him that way. He has said he will do anything to get the relationship back to the way it was and even offered to hand his notice in. I think normally I would have got over this quickly, however we are due to get married in just over a month and I keep worrying that I am doing the wrong thing. Maybe it's just nerves I don't know, but this feels like it's a major issue at the moment.

That is a massive sacrifice on his part, it seems he is trying making you feel confident about the relationship and is willing to put work into it..
I personally think you are making mountain out of a molehill.

Northern78

It sounds like you have a lot going on at the minute, new baby, wedding, hormones all over the place. I'm sure everyone has had a moments thought of "Am I do the right thing" but it sounds to me like he loves you and is committed to you.

They just don't think like us Life would be far easier as a man, us women tend to over analyse things

Claree__x

I wouldn't worry about it. My ex has tried to add me on facebook and followed me on twitter before and I've said nothing to my husband as it would just cause unnecessary stress - even though he was promptly declined