Unhappy Relationships

Sommer43

It's an interesting topic. I know from my first marriage that I was so poorly equipped to be a part of a family unit. I was desparately unhappy and fell apart. I simply didn't know what to do about it. That was in my 20s and early 30s.

Now, I am not always happy, things go wrong. My husband can be very difficult, he blows up very easily and chronic pain makes him quite irritable. He's an ex-builder and years of being with the "lads" bartering and haggling show up very much in him today. He hates banks and financial institutions and refuses to deal with them. I have to do all of that. Today he went and ordered his new car and he's as happy as sandboy. But he drives me to the point of insanity at times. Yet, we find our common ground and I am content with him and with myself and where my life is.

My friend on the other hand, has spent years on dating sites and has flings every three or so months. Searching, searching and bingo, she met one man last year, who she moved in after 5 weeks of knowing him and spends her life on facebook telling the world she loves him. I cannot bear him and am sure he's hiding something. Within weeks she had bought a ring (he cannot get any credit so she had to do it) and she wears that ring and that was all she wanted. A man in her home, a ring and to be able to tell the world that she has a man. He's about as entertaining as cricket... I am sure she would have moved Jack the bloody Ripper in. But alone, she cannot be happy. With a man she can convince herself she's happy by giving an airbrushed version of her life.

For some people, a little bit of something is better than nothing. I am content in my marriage. When I am unhappy about something he's done then I open my mouth and discuss it with him. We stated that right from the start. I trust him, I respect him and I trust his judgements and listen to his opinions. As he does me.

I feel as we age it's not so easy to just pack up and walk out, unhappiness is not always so easily felt. There's a lot more to walk away from when you're older and a lot more to sort out. My middle son is 21 and he has a whale of a time with girls and always seems to walk away unscathed and is having a great time. My brother was the same, yet at the age of 39 he married and had children and is a devoted father and husband.

Materialism plays a huge part now in happiness and I think that's a lot of why we see so much unhappiness within relationships. My granny and grandpa used to hide behind the sofa together from the rent man, they were skint and happy and saw each other through bailiffs, losing a business and cancer, they simply adored each other and had the "air raid mentality"

Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Plus people don't know that happiness is something only they can achieve for themselves, another person cannot make me happy. Only I can do this.

Great topic.

MissSarah151

vixarooni wrote: »

I think security comes into it. I wasn't happy towards the end of my 5 year relationship but i continued with it thinking it might be a phase. I also thought that 5 years was a long time to walk away from.

It was hard moving out on my in laws house, everything we shared and the life we had built together!

I agree - I was the same - unhappy towards the end of a 5 year relationship - think it's a mixture of believing it could be a phase and it will get better and being so used to/comfortable with each other that leaving is daunting especially after building a life together having had all the serious chats about the future. I think as well with any long term relationship there is the slight embarrassment/feeling of failure of having to tell everyone its all over, which seems like a big deal when you're in that situation! Even though it really isn't - but you don't think like that at the time - unless that's just me!

Now that I'm single and happy - I'd like to sit here and say I'd leave any future unhappy long term relationship (if I was in that situation again - hopefully not!) straight away - but who knows!

miss_independent

Being alone is hard. I've been single for six years and, as self sufficient, independent and busy as I am, now more than ever I crave the companionship, love and physical affection of a boyfriend or husband. And the older I get (I'm in my late 20's), the more I feel the ache of wanting children of my own. Its always been there, I'm extremely maternal and the "baby/child whisperer" of the family lol but now its actually a physical pain and longing that I feel and, the longer I've been single, the more I wonder if I'll ever feel my own baby kick inside me or give birth to my own children. I feel I need to be a mother and I have alot to offer children so I would consider adoption or fostering but, as a single woman, I don't know how selfish that would be of me. I think intentionally choosing to be a single mother is different to finding yourself in that situation through no fault of your own.

I have to admit, at this stage I feel I would settle for someone way less than Mr Right. Not someone "bad", just not the man of my dreams. I've given up on the fairytale - I'm no princess! I think marriage and children require sacrifices and I'd actually do pretty much anything to be a wife and mother. If anyone'll have me!

I can only really tell you about two of my friends who are in, shall we say "less than wonderful" relationships. One started off all heat, passion and romance - moved in within 10 days, engaged in 8 weeks, pregnant in 3 months. Currently together 7 years, one child, no marriage (and no longer any talk of marriage). He's an alcoholic, takes his anger out on my friend (who does, admittedly, have a selfish, moody streak) and their child, rarely affectionate, sex is always on his terms and...he has on several occasions been violent. In front of their little one. I think my friend is INSANE staying with him. She stays with him because a) he is the father of her child b) in her own words "you always hate the one you love" and c) his name is on the house, not hers and she has no financial rights - she claims to not be able to afford to leave him and that by staying, she can give her child a better standard of living (financially, not emotionally). Honestly? I think she is scared of going it alone with a child. Before she met him, she lived at home and had only herself to worry about. So she stays and is miserable, living in hope that he will change.

Friend two is married with two kids, aged 2 and 1. She has been with her husband 8 years, since she was 20. She comes from a religious family and became pregnant outside of marriage. Her husband wanted to marry her after she gave birth but, being the clever girl she is, she insisted they marry before. As she said, " I knew that if we left it until after the baby, he'd never do it." I feel they were at that stage where it was make or break and her getting pregnant (genuinely unintentionally) forced them into making a commitment they weren't sure if they were ever going to make. They are fine but the "spark" isn't there anymore. They aren't happy but they aren't miserable. Those initial butterflies rarely, if ever, last.

She takes a great interest in my love life (or current lack of it lol) and recently, we came to discussing my childhood sweetheart and my unrequited love for him. She asked me what I would do if he ever kissed me and I described how I thought I'd feel. I did and after she sighed and said what she'd give to feel that way again, for someone to give her butterflies, saying quietly, "Its not like that with L anymore."

I don't think thats a sign of unhappiness though, I don't think you would feel that way after 8 years. There is, IMHO, a massive difference between friend A and friend B. Friend A is desperate for me to meet someone and have babies too - nagging me about it. When I gently point out, where do I meet this amazing man she has imagined for me, she admits she wouldn't know where to start and thats part of the reason, sadly, she is with her man. She actually thinks she is lucky to have found him.

lori64

shaz77 wrote: »

Hi All,

As of late I've been more and more surprised at the number of people in unhappy relationships; I mean people who are not married and have no kids.

Is it a fear of being alone or a stigma of society that dictates people should be in relationships that leads to this?

Some people just have to be with someone, anyone rather than be single. I cant think of anything worse! Have lived alone for over 20yrs, i like living alone and prefer sleeping alone.Im not maternal either and had no kids. I got all the usual comments when i was younger "What, you dont want kids"?:eek:
"You'll be left on the shelf". Like I was a plate or something. lol
I dont really think Im marriage/living together material. My ideal situation would be seperate houses, but being there for each other, a best mate, companionate thing whatever you want to call it. I see so many people smothering there true needs and personality to fit in with someone. I know some woman who is great on her own, funny and great company...the minute her husband turns up, she clams up and becomes a different person. I know im in the minority, but i have never followed the crowd, I always stuck by my feelings and have never been easily influenced by what society thinks is the done thing.
Freak? Yes, probably!:rotfl:

System

Maybe with some people its 'easier' to stay together than to seperate.

Deep_In_Debt

I was in a relationship for nearly 20 years and we broke up in 2005. We just drifted apart for the last few years of the relationship and tried to carry on and then realised it wasn't going to work so went our separate ways and very amicably - he is now my lodger and has been since 2009 and we get on better now than we ever have I think!

I then got into a relationship in 2006 which ended in 2008 and I'm still single and loving it and I have no desire for another relationship at the moment.

ostrichnomore_2

'Is it a fear of being alone or a stigma of society that dictates people should be in relationships that leads to this?'

For me it was a combination of things but neither of those reasons. I've lived alone before, and quite like it in many ways. I'm not aware that there is any stigma any more in being single.

I stayed too long because
1) I loved him and hoped it would get better
2) It's complicated to split up at our age with all our connections, sometimes it's just easier to go along with inertia as you can't face all the upheaval
3) I would hate to be someone who gives up on a relationship at every blip, you have to work at them at times, and every relationship has its ups and downs. Sometimes staying pays off with a better relationship, sometimes it doesn't.

geoffky

If i was unhappy i would be off traveling the world with a blink of the eye...
Life is too short to be in a unhappy relationship...I spent far too long in one in my mid 20s never ever again..

marisco_2

shaz77 wrote: »

Hi All,

As of late I've been more and more surprised at the number of people in unhappy relationships; I mean people who are not married and have no kids.

Is it a fear of being alone or a stigma of society that dictates people should be in relationships that leads to this?

I think it depends greatly on how you have been raised and what you accept as being normal in a relationship. Some people grow up in a household where their parents are loving and supportive and treat each other with respect. Others grow up in the middle of a battlefield type environment.

A cousin of mine has a very tempestuous relationship with her partner. The amount of arguments and drama that constantly seems to surround them would drive me barmy. We got chatting about it one day, aka she was moaning about him and I was trapped in a car with her on a long journey having to listen. In the end I could take no more and suggested if he made her this unhappy why did she just not jack it all in with him. Her response was 'better the devil you know'. Uh no not always, fool!!!

Maybe I am really old fashioned but I think alot of people run into problems because their relationships move way to fast. They go from a first date to moved in, living with each other and apparently all loved up in the blink of an eye. It is small wonder that many end up unhappy quickly, when they haven't had enough time to get to know a partner.

I would rather be on my own than with the wrong one. Life is way too short to be anything but happy and content.

marisco_2

miss_independent wrote: »

I have to admit, at this stage I feel I would settle for someone way less than Mr Right. Not someone "bad", just not the man of my dreams. I've given up on the fairytale - I'm no princess! I think marriage and children require sacrifices and I'd actually do pretty much anything to be a wife and mother. If anyone'll have me!

I find this so incredibly sad. Has someone done a real number on you in the past, to leave you with such low self esteem?

You deserve to be loved and respected by someone who becomes your life partner and who you would want to have children with. Your husband should love you and treat you better than anyone else. That is not living life with rose tinted glasses on or wanting 'the fairytale'. It is a realistic expectation of being happily married.

If you settle for being with anyone who will have you then that sets the standards of your relationship at such a low level. Not someone I would want to be a wife to or the mother of their children.

Respect yourself and aim high.