Unhappy Relationships

shaz77_2

Hi All,

As of late I've been more and more surprised at the number of people in unhappy relationships; I mean people who are not married and have no kids.

Is it a fear of being alone or a stigma of society that dictates people should be in relationships that leads to this?

VestanPance

No, I'd imagine it's a simple feeling of wanting something more. Someone to love, to be loved and as regards children for many there is a natural desire to have them.

I'm single and plan to remain that way due to issues I now have as a result of the breakup of my last relationship, but I'm honest enough with myself to know I was far happier with someone I loved even with the compromises a relationship requires.

I also know the joy kids can bring. Sure they will be hard work, you'd be a fool to expect otherwise, but the joy they can bring is something money can't buy.

I guess I've reached a stage in life that I view the simple things as those that have worth and pleasure. Love, friends, family and if you are lucky enough children. Everything else is just filler. The cars, holidays, fancy house, the career, nights out, hobbies etc are all well and good but they'll never satisfy the soul.

Some folk seem to be attracted to bad relationships, or very drama ridden ones for some reason. I imagine some will stay in bad relationships in hope things improve to what they once where, some may be afraid of single life, others it may be thinking better the devil they know.

sassyblue

shaz77 wrote: »

Is it a fear of being alone or a stigma of society that dictates people should be in relationships that leads to this?

Maybe it's just a fear of starting again, maybe they can't afford to split housing costs being what they are.

The reasons for staying are similar to those who have children l expect.

Hermia

shaz77 wrote: »

Hi All,

As of late I've been more and more surprised at the number of people in unhappy relationships; I mean people who are not married and have no kids.

Is it a fear of being alone or a stigma of society that dictates people should be in relationships that leads to this?

I wonder that as well. I would rather be on my own in a bedsit that in an unhappy relationship. What saddens me is when you get people who have years/decades of life in front of them, but they feel that it is too late to change their life.

vixarooni

I think security comes into it. I wasn't happy towards the end of my 5 year relationship but i continued with it thinking it might be a phase. I also thought that 5 years was a long time to walk away from.

It was hard moving out on my in laws house, everything we shared and the life we had built together!

VestanPance

To add to that in long term relationships there is also the extended relationships that can be lost in a break-up.

I was very close with my ex's family (probably got on better with them than my own if I'm being honest) and they had been part of my life for the almost two decades. I now have no contact with them at all. I lost a family as much as a partner.

fluffnutter

I think that many people love their partners despite the relationship being unhappy or unhealthy. They're still clinging on to the hope that things will change.

SailorSam

I suppose when you're a teenager or early 20s it's easy to go from one relationship to another, most of your mates are in similar positions and you've always got someone to go on a night out with and meet others of your age. But later in your 40s and 50s your friends are married with families and it's more difficult to meet someone new. Or perhaps you've got your own home and hesitant meeting someone who may have eyes on half of it, or at least just a place to live. When you're older you may have more material things to give up, and even though you're not happy you stay as you are.

Person_one

fluffnutter wrote: »

I think that many people love their partners despite the relationship being unhappy or unhealthy. They're still clinging on to the hope that things will change.

I agree. Those relationships weren't always unhappy. One of the hardest things about ending a relationship is letting go of the hopes you used to have for it, and the disappointment that it didn't live up to its potential at the beginning.

Some people take longer than others to come to terms with the fact that what used to be a happy and promising relationship no longer is.

TimBear

Person_one wrote: »

I agree. Those relationships weren't always unhappy. One of the hardest things about ending a relationship is letting go of the hopes you used to have for it, and the disappointment that it didn't live up to its potential at the beginning.

Some people take longer than others to come to terms with the fact that what used to be a happy and promising relationship no longer is.

Definitely agree with this. I split up with my partner of five years towards the end of 2012, and it was really hard, despite not being 'happy' for a couple of years before that.

I mean, I loved him to bits and he loved me too, but there were definite ups and downs and I did have doubts during our relationship about whether we'd last. I think for me it was that the good times were genuinely good that I could put up with the down - and it did get really 'down' sometimes.

Also, it was a daunting prospect starting again. I'm only mid-twenties but we had a (rented) house together, shared friends etc. Leaving would have meant living back with my parents which I really wanted to avoid! Thankfully, we did not have children together. Like another poster has said, too, my ex's family were as much mine as his by the end, we were really close. I am more upset now about losing them than losing my ex to be honest.

HOWEVER! Now I am single I absolutely love it. I have the exact same friends, am enjoying being more sociable again, and although I am now living with my parents it's not all that bad.

Fear of the 'unknown' is often what makes people stay I think.

FBaby

fluffnutter wrote: »

I think that many people love their partners despite the relationship being unhappy or unhealthy. They're still clinging on to the hope that things will change.

I agree with this and the fact that unhappiness is not black or white. I have friends who hopped from relationships to relationships, never being happy passed the first few months, never understanding why they always pick the wrong ones, when the problem is that they just can't accept that any relationship need some level of compromise to find true happiness.

Sometimes, staying in a 'unhappy' relationship whilst working on what is causing that unhappiness is the mature thing to do. Many relationships needs working on, that doesn't make bad ones. There are some issues that are likely to affect all relationships unless one implements some changes.

My father and step-mother were in one of those very 'unhappy' relationship for years, where I screamed at them to give it up. They didn't, for a number of reasons, and in the end, they managed to find their common ground. 20 years on, retired, they are truly happy together and there are now so lovey dovey, it is hard to imagine they are the same couple they were all that time ago.