Uh-Oh, Mother rant ahead!!!

victory

Own_My_Own wrote: »

OP, why don't you just tell her you don't want the stuff, and she can get rid off it if she wants.
The game she is playing, can't be played alone. She needs you to keep playing it. Walk away and the game has to stop.

True it takes two to play the game but it takes the strength of an ox to say no, no more, it is a control thing.

Own_My_Own

victory wrote: »

True it takes two to play the game but it takes the strength of an ox to say no, no more, it is a control thing.

Having been bought up by an alcoholic mother, I am perfectly aware of that.
Thank You.

(try reading all the posts next time)

LannieDuck

eliviajen wrote: »

Uh-Oh, mother rant ahead!!!

We have been having alot of problems with our Housing situation recently but thankfully things appear to be getting better and we have been offered another property- YAY

Unfortuantly the new place is a couple of doors away from my Mother... - we have quite a voltatile relationship at the best of times and at the moment I am feeling very negative towards her.

So we are packing up and sorting out ready for our move next week, and she has decided now after 8 years of me not living there that she wants to sort out my old bedroom (which I have only left a few books and a couple of uni files in - all of which I dont want/need anymore) she has filled my room to the ceiling with "stuff" that she has hoarded and she keeps calling twisting for me to sort it out, I took the couple of things belonging to me but apparently its not enough!!!

My partner has taken almost 50 wheely bin bags of stuff and sorted in the recycling skips, along with several pieces of furniture which we really dont need in our our new place but she is complaining that i havent taken all this stuff to mine - why I need more bedside tables, or tv units or more sets of curtains I have no idea?

Anyways, todays complaint is she's throwing out all the childrens toys and books that I have (at her request) bought to stay round there - toys such as a dolls house and a rocking horse amongst many other expensive items and beloved toys, which I certainly dont need a double of. She wont hear of letting me sell them on, they either have to come to my new house or the skips - not even the charity shop!!!

My new house is a little big bigger but Im not filling it up with her stuff!!!!!!

My mother, has also been complaining of how my children are going to "run riot, with the other (4) children on the street" - my children are not old enough or responsible enough to play out unattended yet :mad:

My mother has a history of trying to mar every good memory I have, and turning it round to be all about her. I am already severly depressed due to the situation I am living in, and I really dont need all this additional stress whilst trying to sort my own house out. Im certain that my partner has better things he could be doing in MY house rather than spending HOURS sorting out unsorted rubbish at the recycling site.

Sorry for the rant - I just needed to get it off my chest

I don't understand. You say that your old room only has some books and uni stuff, which you don't want. But then you talk about toys and bedside tables etc. The stuff your Mum wants sorting out, is it yours or hers?

If it's hers, just tell her to do what she wants with it and ignore her. If it's yours, then maybe she sees this move as an opportunity to get some space back in her house. You say you don't want to store it in your new house, but maybe she doesn't want to store it in her house anymore? If you really don't care about it, tell her to bin it. Or take it off her and into your garage, and sell it.

skintchick

I agree with LannieDUck. I actually read your post yesterday but was unsure how to reply so I wanted to wait before I posted.

I think the issue here is that you feel, for whatever reason, that you have to do what your mum is asking.

But you don't.

And it doesn't have to be a big deal either, unless you make it one.

Take what you know to be yours, and do with it what you want (bin, sell, keep, store).

Ask your mum what else she wants you to take. Make clear to her that you will not be a storage repository for her, and that whatever you take will become yours, for you to do with what you want.

If she says "you have to take it but you have to keep it" then tell her you won;t take anything that comes with strings, that you will happily help her by removing stuff from her house, but that it will then be sold/binned as you see fit.

Tell her, nicely, that if she wants to store items outside of her house then she will need to arrange that. You could offer to help her do that if you want.

If she kicks off about it just let her. Tell her you're sorry she feels like that but you can't be responsible for her items, then leave it and ignore whatever she says.

Keep repeating your message like a broken record, which is "I will take anything you want me to but I will then bin/sell it as I see fit. If you don't want that to happen you need to make your own arrangements to store this stuff".

If you don't feel able to do that then get your OH to do it.

And if neither of you feel able then I would suggest some counselling to hep you both work through why you aren't able to say no.

System

I know what i would do. I'd just take the lot that she wants got rid of and skip the lot but thats cause i wouldnt stand up to her.

Its all about control though, the more she asks of you the more she will demand.... Trust me ive been there.

I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl about control. Thats why i wont go and see my Mother.

You see i believe in respecting ones parents, i'm a good woman with a warm heart. I believe that the people who gave birth to you are supposed to love you. Then there are some people who take that love and just milk it for all its worth.

Funnily enough she never excersised that control over my brother.

Own_My_Own

Judi wrote: »

I know what i would do. I'd just take the lot that she wants got rid of and skip the lot but thats cause i wouldnt stand up to her.

Its all about control though, the more she asks of you the more she will demand.... Trust me ive been there.

I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl about control. Thats why i wont go and see my Mother.

You see i believe in respecting ones parents, i'm a good woman with a warm heart. I believe that the people who gave birth to you are supposed to love you. Then there are some people who take that love and just milk it for all its worth.

Funnily enough she never excersised that control over my brother.

Now I would do the opposite, to spite her.

I would sell everything and let her know I had.

The harder you make it for her to control you, the less she will be able to do it.

When my Mum phones here now, I tell her she has the wrong number and put the phone down.
I don't with her any chance to be nasty or controlling.

System

Now I would do the opposite, to spite her.

... and of course that is something i should do but i cant. I always back down. I'm a fool of course.

londonsurrey

Own_My_Own wrote: »

When my Mum phones here now, I tell her she has the wrong number and put the phone down.

The moment I hear her voice on the phone, saying "Ah, LondonSurrey..." (she always starts trying to start chatting as though we're on speaking terms, even though I've taken her to court to STAY AWAY), I just put the phone on the table, and get on with stuff, be it chatting to a friend, playing with my cats, listening to the radio or tv.

She's then left with nothing to do but listen to background noise, running up her phone bill, until she gives up and hangs up.

She stopped calling.

cheeswright

could you clarify that i've got this right

you had almost nothing at your mothers
but
she had persuaded you to spend your money buying toys for your children to play with when they are at her house...? some of theses are copies of "beloved" toys they also have at home

she has also horded some things like bits of furniture with some intention of passing them on to you in your future life at some time perhapse, even though she has never asked you if you wanted them

there is also a large accumulation of things that she really dosnt want at all

she dosnt want you to throw away the toys or furniture but does want to be shot of the rest...

is that right?

samejh

cheeswright wrote: »

could you clarify that i've got this right

you had almost nothing at your mothers
but
she had persuaded you to spend your money buying toys for your children to play with when they are at her house...? some of theses are copies of "beloved" toys they also have at home

she has also horded some things like bits of furniture with some intention of passing them on to you in your future life at some time perhapse, even though she has never asked you if you wanted them

there is also a large accumulation of things that she really dosnt want at all

she dosnt want you to throw away the toys or furniture but does want to be shot of the rest...

is that right?

That's how I read the OPs post.

Don't let her bully you into tidying her mess.

Take what you want out of your own things, and anything you paid for for your kids. Do with them what suits you best. Sell/donate/recycle.