What to say to teenagers about someone dying :-(

ValHaller

balletshoes wrote: »

how would you pitch it for him at his age?

More or less as an adult. Not shield him from bad news, not sugarcoat it with fairytales and euphemisms. Make sure he is informed in the same terms and on the same time scale as the adults. Include him in what ever the adults are doing to cope. But be sensitive to his reaction, address his questions at the level he asks them and just be prepared to give a bit of space if it is too much - as about the only concessions to his age.

The truth is there is no real shielding him from it. Unless he is still extremely immature, shielding him will be perceived as excluding him from the facts. The aduts are powerless in the face of death. He should just be there, see that and experience it for himself. It is a little part of becoming an adult.

ValHaller

pigpen wrote: »

At 14 I would go with .. I am sorry I have some sad news for you. I know we all thought 'gran' had X amount of time left. However, it appears she is much more ill than we knew and it is probable she will pass away this evening or very very soon.

Then back off, let him process the info for a bit, in another room alone if needs be.. and go to him in about half an hour with a coffee and some bickies and ask if all is ok, if he needs to talk and reassure him when and if he does you will be there and you are all sad too so he might have to put up with you crying on him.

He isn't 5!! Treat him with respect!

Yes, I go with that. It's on the same terms as an adult.

LittleMax

ValHaller wrote: »

Oh come on, he is 14. But some of the explanations of death which are being suggested here appear more pitched at 8 year olds. He ought to have a basic understanding of what death is. He should be treated as substantially an adult in this - addressing it in infant terms will almost certainly make it more difficult for him.

I agree. I think at 14 he will fully understand what is happening, but the biggest challenge at that age is he will be trying to be a man. I think it will be important that he understands that it's ok to be upset and to cry.

ValHaller

LittleMax wrote: »

I agree. I think at 14 he will fully understand what is happening, but the biggest challenge at that age is he will be trying to be a man. I think it will be important that he understands that it's ok to be upset and to cry.

Given inclusion into adult space over this, he will substantially succeed in rising to the challenge too. You don't wish for the situation to come, but as and when it does, deflecting the grief would throw away something precious.

Couchiex3

I am sorry for your loss.

The best thing to do here is just be straight with him. He is 14 years old, you don't need to use special words to make him understand this. Just tell him and make sure you let him know you're there if he needs you, give him a cuddle too, death is horrible and its always good to have support from your close ones.

Stephb1986_2

I don't have any advice I just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss. Thinking of you at this sad time.

Steph xx

loulou123

I'd say be as honest as possible with him.

I was just 16 when my grandad passed away - I lived with him and he was my "dad" in all but name, so it was a devastating time for me.

What made it slightly more bearable was being told the truth about how poorly he was and that he only had days to live, I couldn't deal with the members of my family who were trying to "sugar coat" what was happening, I wanted the truth even though it was hard.

Sorry for your upcoming loss.

seven-day-weekend

ValHaller wrote: »

Oh come on, he is 14. But some of the explanations of death which are being suggested here appear more pitched at 8 year olds. He ought to have a basic understanding of what death is. He should be treated as substantially an adult in this - addressing it in infant terms will almost certainly make it more difficult for him.

Absolutely agree. 'Poor Gran has not got as much time left as we'd hoped, she is very ill and will die soon, possibly tonight, very sad'. Then give him a hug and be available to answer questions and be supportive. Don't be scared to cry in front of him.

Mrs_Arcanum

zepsgal wrote: »

Yes, sorry I should have said, he knew she was dying and that it would be soon. Its still a shock that it was so soon though. Weeks rather than months, just too quick.

His step dad is very close to his mum, she spent a lot of time with their family, so my nephew was really close to her as well.

Feel awful for him, and my sister and brother in law

The truth is always best. Don't pretty it up too much either as this confuses the issue. My Father died when I was 13, just 3 weeks after going into hospital/hospice. I was not allowed to visit during this time as he was so ill. Nor was I allowed to go to the funeral, so ended up with a load of emotional problems. Especially as I was devoted to my Father & never really had the chance to say goodbye.

Also make sure if he wants to that he can go to the funeral and if possible see her to say goodbye. The bereavement officers in the hospitals are lovely if you need advice on this.

Both my children (aged 3 & 6) went to see their Granny to say goodbye and went to the funeral. She was hospitalised and died within 12 hours and we all lived in the same house. I do feel my children have a better understanding and acceptance of their Granny's death than ever I had of my Father's.

marisco_2

I lost my grandad at a similar age. My parents were completely honest with me about what was happening. They gave me the choice as to whether I wished to go and say goodbye. I was advised that his ilness was so advanced that I may well find it very upsetting and he wouldn't know I was there.

I chose not to go and say goodbye. I could remember the last time that I had seen him and I had chatted with him and told him how much I loved him then. I knew that I wanted that to be my last memory of him as seeing him in pain or distress would have been too much. I know that I made the right decision. My cousins were taken to see him and say their goodbyes. They told me later that it had been horiffic and very distressing.

Dont hide your feelings from your nephew. Grieve together. If he sees you upset that is okay. It will encourage him not to bottle his own feelings up and to talk things through with you. I saw my parents very upset when my grandad died. It was a little unsettling at the time to be honest as I had never seen either of them distressed before. However it taught me that grief is something you go through and that you can express that in front of family and turn to people for support. A very valuable lesson in life.

I am so sorry for what you are all going through and am sending you a massive (((HUG))).