What to say to teenagers about someone dying :-(

mummybearx

My husband is on his way to pick his nephew up. His step gran, his step dads mum is dying, probably dying tonight if she isn't already gone

What do I say to him? I'm really upset myself just now, trying to have a cry alone before he gets here. He is 14, old enough to understand it all, but he hasn't really experienced loss like this before.

I'm rubbish at dealing with things like this, I come from a family of people who don't talk about anything. Any words I can say to him are much appreciated

X

mrcow

How close are they? Has he seen her this week?

Or is it a complete shocker?

You just need to say that she's very unwell and will probably pass away very soon. Anything else will just come.

But do tell him asap. i.e. before it happens if possible.

Sorry you're having such a rough time.

balletshoes

will he have been told already about his stepgran's true condition by the time you see him? If yes, just hug him, and let him cry if thats what he feels like.

Own_My_Own

I am really sorry for your loss today.

When my Nan died last year , I simply told my dd she was too tired to carry on. I explained my Nan was very old and had seen everything she wanted to see.

My niece 2 years ago and dd understood she was unwell and in pain, and that after death the pain had gone.

lollipopsarah

Poor you, there is no easy way, but a lot depends on their relationship.
Honesty is best though and I would suggest you say it as it is (gently of course).
Maybe something about how you know step gran is getting on a bit and is poorly (he might already know) well sadly etc.etc.
Don't beat yourself up though, you may just see him and find the words anyway, and of course he may well guess that something is up.
Please don't get upset is he doesn't seem to, kids are very much matter of fact - when I told my youngest that my mum had died, he just said oh cr+p and went to his room.
My love and best wishes to you.
xx

mummybearx

Yes, sorry I should have said, he knew she was dying and that it would be soon. Its still a shock that it was so soon though. Weeks rather than months, just too quick.

His step dad is very close to his mum, she spent a lot of time with their family, so my nephew was really close to her as well.

Feel awful for him, and my sister and brother in law

Valli

I sometimes have to talk to children who have lost family (or pets) and often say 'some people believe...' and then fill in as best I can.

If the person (or pet) is old then the tired, worn-out bodies phrase comes in. I tell them it is sad, it does hurt but the pain lessens over time. I usually try to get the children to think of a nice or happy memory pertaining to the deceased.

If you are sad and are crying don't hide it from him - he may want to cry too but may need 'permission'; the fact that you too are sad and feeling bereaved will help him - she must be a lovely person to have this effect on you!

Other thing would be don't force him to go to the funeral, equally don't ban him, if possible, from attending. Depending on the child and the circumstances it can help a child come to terms if they are allowed to take part in all the mourning. (Actually this won't be your decision - just re-read your OP; but I will leave it in in case it helps anyone else). Plus it stops them 'imagining' a funeral - which is often worse than the reality.

Mind you, I speak as a person who has never been to a burial, whether I could cope with that, or ask a child to, I don't know.

ValHaller

Oh come on, he is 14. But some of the explanations of death which are being suggested here appear more pitched at 8 year olds. He ought to have a basic understanding of what death is. He should be treated as substantially an adult in this - addressing it in infant terms will almost certainly make it more difficult for him.

balletshoes

ValHaller wrote: »

Oh come on, he is 14. But some of the explanations of death which are being suggested here appear more pitched at 8 year olds. He ought to have a basic understanding of what death is. He should be treated as substantially an adult in this - addressing it in infant terms will almost certainly make it more difficult for him.

how would you pitch it for him at his age?

podperson

If he's already aware that she was ill and not going to get better than I would just simply explain to him that she's sadly taken a turn for the worse and it's going to be sooner than you'd all hoped. As mentioned above I would try and treat him as an adult when explaining it to him, but be there for support if he wants it.

pigpen

At 14 I would go with .. I am sorry I have some sad news for you. I know we all thought 'gran' had X amount of time left. However, it appears she is much more ill than we knew and it is probable she will pass away this evening or very very soon.

Then back off, let him process the info for a bit, in another room alone if needs be.. and go to him in about half an hour with a coffee and some bickies and ask if all is ok, if he needs to talk and reassure him when and if he does you will be there and you are all sad too so he might have to put up with you crying on him.

He isn't 5!! Treat him with respect!