Adoption and the future - Help please!

Kayalana99

I actally agree to a point, Id find it quite a normal feeling to want to know where you come from...but for these ones feeling 'incomplete' I would think if they had a 100% happy home that feeling wouldn't be thier...obvouisly knowing your life could of been complety differnernt if brought up with someone else allows a childs mind to wander but if the child was happy surley thier would be the 'what if factor' but not the 'I dont belong with these people'.

Obvouisly everyone is differnert and every case will be differnert but I do think thier is some truth in what he is trying to say.

not*sure

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I actally agree to a point, Id find it quite a normal feeling to want to know where you come from...but for these ones feeling 'incomplete' I would think if they had a 100% happy home that feeling wouldn't be thier...obvouisly knowing your life could of been complety differnernt if brought up with someone else allows a childs mind to wander but if the child was happy surley thier would be the 'what if factor' but not the 'I dont belong with these people'.

Obvouisly everyone is differnert and every case will be differnert but I do think thier is some truth in what he is trying to say.

I had a 100% fantastic home life but the fact of the matter was that my mum who brought me up for 23 years before she passed away did not give birth to me and therefore I had a feeling of incompleteness. I think really unless you are in that situation then there is no need for a "wonder" so to speak. Some adoptee's feel like that some don't. Doesn't mean that we love our adopted parents any less just there is a piece of you missing iykwim.
EG. My DD was born 2.5 yrs ago when I had my first midwife appointment they asked a lot of family history etc that I was unable to answer. It has made me constantly think of the future medically wise and it prompted me to find my birth mum. It was a horrendous experience that left me with twice as many unanswered questions as I got the door slammed in my face. ho hum nothing I can do about it now.

OP - I think your are doing a great thing by registering on as many sites as you can. Also the social worker who dealt with your case should be able to point you in some sort of direction. I hope it all works out well for you xx

jinty271

It must be very difficult for anyone who is not adopted , to understand the impact the process can have on the child. I do know that in the majority of cases, it works out very well - especially nowadays when the screening processes are more thorough.

Sadly, I am also one of the disillusioned, bitter, rejected and restless few, but this is probably more to do with me being adopted by people who should never have been allowed to be parents.

But for once in my life, I have read something that has allowed me to view the process from the other side - I think my adoption made me very selfish and introspective, but the OP here has touched a chord and seems straight form the heart.

I genuinely do believe you did what you felt was best for your son, and I am quite taken aback that I do feel that way.

My advice would be to do everything you can to put your name out there and to make it as simple for your boy to find you , should he wish to.

Keep every birthday card, that you don't get to send him, write him letters, and you never know, one day he may want to find you, and I would imagine it would mean the world to him to know that you marked the date, every year, and never forgot him.

My very best wishes

x

kingfisherblue

OP, I wish you luck for the future, if and when your son decides to contact you.

A word of warning, though, it might not be all sweetness and light. My mum had to give up her daughter for adoption in the 1950s. Many years later, in the early 1980s, they made contact with each other. I don't know how it came about. Before then, my mum had always had a black and white photo of her daughter, but she told us when we were young that the photo was our cousin. Obviously before meeting my sister, we were told the true relationship. I was about 12 at the time, and my younger sister was about 10.

At first everything was wonderful. We met up regularly, both at our home and at hers. She lived with her husband and children in a city not too far away (less than an hour drive). However, she did have some problems with the fact that she had been 'given away'. The 1950s were a very different era regarding single parenthood, but my sister couldn't get past the fact that she had been given up for adoption.

Every time something wasn't quite right in her life, she threw it back in Mum's face. If she had an argument with her husband, she would rant at Mum that it was her fault as she couldn't develop normal relationships because she felt abandoned. If she had a problem with one of her children, it was Mum's fault because she hadn't been there when my sister was growing up.

This went on for several years. I did love my sister, but as I grew up a bit more I could hear what she was shouting to Mum. Mum was already feeling guilty for giving up her child, even though she didn't really have a choice back then. She became a nervous wreck and began to dread seeing my sister.

My sister then left her husband and two older children. She moved into our house with her youngest. I don't think Mum felt that she could refuse. The situation just worsened, with my sister leaving her youngest with us while she went on weekends away (sometimes we would find out when she rang from a phone box, telling us that she'd be back in a few days - she was only supposed to be going to the shops).

It all came to a head when I was 18. Mum was trying to explain that she didn't mind looking after her youngest, but needed to know at least a few days before. Dad was quite a bit older than Mum, so was retired by this time, and my sister used this to leave her daughter with us - she would say that the little one would be ok as Dad could look after her while Mum was at work and my younger sister and I were at school.

Mum told her that she couldn't carry on like this, and that my sister had to make proper arrangements. Sometimes we would have the little one when she should have been with her own father, but my sister hadn't informed us. My sister threw a right strop one day, over the phone (she was away for the weekend at the time). Mum came away from the phone in tears, but didn't put it down on the cradle. Dad was out, I can't remember where.

I picked up the phone and told my sister that she had gone too far this time. She was constantly throwing the adoption in Mum's face, almost every day at this point. Mum was in a dreadful state. She had suffered depression for years, and had reached the point that she couldn't carry on. I told my sister that I no longer had an older sister and that I didn't want to see her again.

I can't remember what happened after that. I assume Dad came home and took charge of the situation. My niece was returned to her father. I didn't see my sister again. For many years, there was no contact between us. A few years ago, my sister wrote to Mum - I'm not sure whether it was before or after Dad died. I just know that Mum told me she had written, and Mum had replied that we were all well. Mum still gets an occasional letter, once every two or three years.

I was 18 the last time I saw my sister, and I'm now 44. What happened was sad, but she hurt Mum too much and too often. I can see my sister's point of view to a certain extent, but I can't forgive her for hurting Mum so much. Mum tried so hard to make up for giving her up for adoption.

I have three children myself, and cannot imagine what birth mothers must go through when they give their children to others, for a better life that they themsleves can offer. It must be a dreadful decision to make.

OP, when the time comes for you to meet your son, I sincerely hope that things turn out better for you both than they did for my family.

geoffky

My mother spent many years searching for her father and eventually found him,,Then found out she had not missed out and he was a idiot.

Lady_Tara

redfragglebiker wrote: »

Hi Ladt Tara,

I just wanted to say thank you SO much for sharing your side of the story with me. As a mother who chose to put her child up for adoption I am constantly curious as to how the child who was given away feels and how my son is doing.

Part of the reason I wanted to be so easily accesible to him should he decide to make contact is so he doesn't ever feel rejected and I hope that is she should he ever have any questions about why I did what I did that he can ask me himself.

I truly hope you find peace within yourself and that you can get over the feelings of rejection. From my own personal point of view I would like to say that I never felt I was rejecting my son and that I honestly thought (and still think) that having him adopted was the best thing I could do for HIM. I'm sure your own birth mother felt the same at the time and that you will always have been loved by her, even if you didn't know it.

If you ever want to talk to try and get a persepctive from "my side of the fence" as it were please feel free to PM me. I know how much talking to others in your situation has helped me see what "your side of the fence" is so to speak and it has helped me understand a lot more how my son MIGHT feel if he ever decides to contact me.

Much love

Hi, thanks for the reply x

Lady_Tara

jinty271 wrote: »

It must be very difficult for anyone who is not adopted , to understand the impact the process can have on the child. I do know that in the majority of cases, it works out very well - especially nowadays when the screening processes are more thorough.

Sadly, I am also one of the disillusioned, bitter, rejected and restless few, but this is probably more to do with me being adopted by people who should never have been allowed to be parents.

But for once in my life, I have read something that has allowed me to view the process from the other side - I think my adoption made me very selfish and introspective, but the OP here has touched a chord and seems straight form the heart.

I genuinely do believe you did what you felt was best for your son, and I am quite taken aback that I do feel that way.

My advice would be to do everything you can to put your name out there and to make it as simple for your boy to find you , should he wish to.

Keep every birthday card, that you don't get to send him, write him letters, and you never know, one day he may want to find you, and I would imagine it would mean the world to him to know that you marked the date, every year, and never forgot him.

My very best wishes

x

hi jinty, I agree x