Adoption and the future - Help please!

redfragglebiker

Bluemeanie wrote: »

I think giving a child up for adoption to give them a better a life is once of the most selfless things you can do. Anyone who can put the needs of a child before their own to this extent has my true admiration.
Especially when I see so many children being used as cash cows for benefits and poorly looked after/cared for/uwanted etc.

xxx

Thank you for your kind words bluemeanie - TBh it semmed like the only sensible thing to so at the time. I've never felt love like it before and I sure as hell wasn't going to screw his life up before it had started

Butterscotch-

If you are on Facebook I suggest using the name on the birth certificate so it is easier to search. Men are less likely to search than women. I would also register on any sites so if he does get curious he will see you are happy to be found. My birthmother didn't search for me as she didn't want to butt in on my life but was happy when I searched. I know there are adoptees out there who think it is up to the parent to search so that is something to think about. I know it was nice to think that my birthfather had tried to search over the years.

I never felt like I needed to know or had any questions. I was curious about it all and got talking to a bunch of birthmothers online. I found out about horrible practices years ago and how mothers were forced to give up their children. That was my reason for searching, in case that was what happened to my birthmother. Thankfully it wasn't.

My parents will always be my Mum and Dad but I don't see the harm in extra family.

dizziblonde

I would have suggested the keeping a facebook profile open and searchable as well - it's quite likely to be the first resort of a quick and curious search for a load of people these days.

I'm not adopted - but I do have huge holes in my family tree from various acrimonious splits - and that need to fill in those holes mentally, even in terms of really basic things like family medical histories, IS always niggling away there.

Bangton

redfragglebiker wrote: »

I don't mind telling more at all - I gave my son up several years ago now. (He'll be 13 soon) and as it's his birthday coming up I tend to have him on my mind a lot more.
13 years ago I had a concealed pregnancy and the first I knew of being pregnant was in the delivery room. I'd had NO symptoms at all - continued to have periods, no sickness and only gained around a stone in weight but had recently changed from an active to sedentary job so didn't think much of it. Along with the shock of it all I was in a bad place at the time and after holding him realised I could give him NOTHING he needed and in keeping him we would both suffer. Now he is getting older I would like to ensure he has the opportunity to find me if he wishes to do so.

I know some people never want to take that step and if he never does that is completley OK as I would never want to disrupt his life if he is happy and settled. I just think that if he ever does have questions I want to make finding me as hassle free as possible for him.

On that note if anyone has any questions for me regarding my side of things please don't be scared to ask. I'm happy to talk freely about my circumstances and the reasons why I chose to give him up. Incidentally I might think of him a lot but I don't regret my decision. Xx

Bless you...really that's all I wanted to say. What a selfless thing to do..I cannot imagine

gallygirl

redfragglebiker wrote: »

Thank you for your kind words bluemeanie - TBh it semmed like the only sensible thing to so at the time. I've never felt love like it before and I sure as hell wasn't going to screw his life up before it had started

What a wonderful, selfless thing to do. Good luck, whatever happens.

Lady_Tara

Hi redfragglebiker,

I think it is great that you are wanting to make it as easy as possible for him to find you.

I'm afraid I am one of the "adoptees talking about feeling incomplete, desperate to know where they came from etc". From being tiny I wanted my mother. When I was about 4 years old I would wait on the front door step hoping she'd walk past and get me.

I was adopted at 4 weeks old so could not remember her, but my feelings have been very strong from being tiny. Afterwards I found out she had written to the agency when I was about 4 asking if we could be reunited but she was refused.

I'm from the 1960's "baby scoop era" when unmarried teen mothers were coerced into giving their babies up if there was no help from their parents. The great shame is that, yes she was in a situation where she couldn't keep me at the time of my birth, but within 3 years she had a settled, loving relationship, a home, work etc and I could have been reintegrated into that, and grown up with my younger siblings.

We reunited 20 years ago and it would have helped me to find her more quickly if she had registered on the uk contact register someone else has linked to.

I'd recommend joining a lot of the facebook adoption groups, they have been a huge support for me and there are some brilliant birth/first mother ones.

InsideInsurance "I can say I have never had anything close to those feelings. I do wonder if with at least some of these whether there are other issues and the adoption is just carrying the can for them rather than being the root cause."

I disagree with this for my own situation - adoption is definitely the root cause for me, feeling rejected has been a lifelong struggle for me, and even now I'm middle aged and been reunited for 20 years I'm no further forward in "fixing" myself!

Best wishes

redfragglebiker

Lady_Tara wrote: »

Hi redfragglebiker,

I think it is great that you are wanting to make it as easy as possible for him to find you.

I'm afraid I am one of the "adoptees talking about feeling incomplete, desperate to know where they came from etc". From being tiny I wanted my mother. When I was about 4 years old I would wait on the front door step hoping she'd walk past and get me.

I was adopted at 4 weeks old so could not remember her, but my feelings have been very strong from being tiny. Afterwards I found out she had written to the agency when I was about 4 asking if we could be reunited but she was refused.

I'm from the 1960's "baby scoop era" when unmarried teen mothers were coerced into giving their babies up if there was no help from their parents. The great shame is that, yes she was in a situation where she couldn't keep me at the time of my birth, but within 3 years she had a settled, loving relationship, a home, work etc and I could have been reintegrated into that, and grown up with my younger siblings.

We reunited 20 years ago and it would have helped me to find her more quickly if she had registered on the uk contact register someone else has linked to.

I'd recommend joining a lot of the facebook adoption groups, they have been a huge support for me and there are some brilliant birth/first mother ones.

InsideInsurance "I can say I have never had anything close to those feelings. I do wonder if with at least some of these whether there are other issues and the adoption is just carrying the can for them rather than being the root cause."

I disagree with this for my own situation - adoption is definitely the root cause for me, feeling rejected has been a lifelong struggle for me, and even now I'm middle aged and been reunited for 20 years I'm no further forward in "fixing" myself!

Best wishes

Hi Ladt Tara,

I just wanted to say thank you SO much for sharing your side of the story with me. As a mother who chose to put her child up for adoption I am constantly curious as to how the child who was given away feels and how my son is doing.

Part of the reason I wanted to be so easily accesible to him should he decide to make contact is so he doesn't ever feel rejected and I hope that is she should he ever have any questions about why I did what I did that he can ask me himself.

I truly hope you find peace within yourself and that you can get over the feelings of rejection. From my own personal point of view I would like to say that I never felt I was rejecting my son and that I honestly thought (and still think) that having him adopted was the best thing I could do for HIM. I'm sure your own birth mother felt the same at the time and that you will always have been loved by her, even if you didn't know it.

If you ever want to talk to try and get a persepctive from "my side of the fence" as it were please feel free to PM me. I know how much talking to others in your situation has helped me see what "your side of the fence" is so to speak and it has helped me understand a lot more how my son MIGHT feel if he ever decides to contact me.

Much love

Mojisola

Kayalana99 wrote: »

Sorry to take this off topic but do you think this is just a natural thing that adoptive kids want to do?

Many do - not necessarily to have a relationship with their birth parents but to get to know family history. It can also help if you know what illnesses are common in the genetic family.

Tropez

The fact that my birth mother has not made any apparent attempt to contact me is one of the reasons I have not contacted her, even though I have had information which would have made it quite easy for me to do so for several months now.

I'm just throwing that out there because leaving it up to the son as entirely his decision could actually make him think that he isn't wanted as any part of your life, because that is the overwhelming feeling I have had for the past near-twenty years that I've been aware I was adopted.

I think registering on the contact register is a good step.

Craftyscholar

InsideInsurance wrote: »

Looking on other forums, I see a lot of adoptees talking about feeling incomplete, desperate to know where they came from etc and I can say I have never had anything close to those feelings. I do wonder if with at least some of these whether there are other issues and the adoption is just carrying the can for them rather than being the root cause.

So to the question above, I would suggest that it is probably common but is not universal.

Some adoptees do want/need to search, others don't.
I'm not sure why you think there would be 'other issues' just because they feel differently to you.