Adoption and the future - Help please!

redfragglebiker

Hi,

I'm not sure where to put this thread so please feel free to move if it's in the wrong place.

To keep a (very) long story short I put a child up for adoption from birth several years ago.

I would love to make it as easy as possible for my son to be able to trace me should he so desire when he is old enough but I don't want to trace him as such as I feel it should be entirely his decision should he wish to find me as there may be questions etc he has and I feel he has the right to ask them of me if he would like to.

Is there some kind of national register or webiste where I could log all my details so if he ever does want to trace me he could do so easily? I have no desire to go knocking on his door with a "Hi I'm your birth mother" scenario - I just want to make it as simple and quick as possible for him to track me down IF it is ever something that he wishes to do in the future.

If anyone out there could help I would be most grateful

Upsidedown_Bear

I found this for you, hope it helps.

http://www.ukbirth-adoptionregister.com/resources.php

Errata

This site will be helpful https://www.gov.uk/adoption-records/the-adoption-contact-register

InsideInsurance

There are a number of registries that you can put yourself on and then you just need to keep them up to date as and when you move addresses. Some are free and others have a fee.

It certainly makes it easier if you have registered as it shows you are interested in making contact. I am adopted, I know who my birth mother was as she is a distant friend of a friend of a friend of the family, I know a number of facts about her from geneology research (never married, seemingly no other children, she herself was an orphan, she was a teenager when I was born etc) and I have heard she has asked questions about me in the past. She hasnt however ever registered with any of these resources and so I dont know if she wants contact or if contact would dig up old/ bad memories etc

redfragglebiker

Thank you, all of you for all your help. I had tried google but got a little overwhelmed.

InsideInsurance - Thank you for your input on the thread. It sounds strange but it's quite nice to hear from someone at his end of things so to speak.

I also hope for you that should you want contact you find a way to do so without there being too much pain for you both *hugs*

I feel if he ever has questions about his adoption or the reasons behind it he has every right to ask those of me in person if he wishes. I also think that from my end if I can make it easier for him to find me should he decide he does want contact then I should do so.

Again thank you all for your help with this. At least I know where to start. X

InsideInsurance

redfragglebiker wrote: »

It sounds strange but it's quite nice to hear from someone at his end of things so to speak.

I also hope for you that should you want contact you find a way to do so without there being too much pain for you both *hugs*

Getting to hear the other perspective is always a good thing hence why I posted.

From my point of view I would be interested in contact as my adoptive mother was never one to listen to if you wanted the truth so to hear another side of a story, find out who my biological kin are (esp as I have a strange condition, thinking of starting own family soon and no one knows if my condition will be hereditary or not), confirm if I have any other blood relatives etc.

Looking on paper she seems to have had a lot of challenges in life and I dont want to become another one for her (again). The friend of a friend of a friend of the family is no longer such so cannot use that route to sound things out and whilst I am sure one of these introducing agencies would do a better job than me of breaking the ice if she'd still rather forget then they are still going to dig up painful memories.

At the moment I am still deciding what to do.... I have an unusual name so would be fairly easy for her to find but then she may be sitting back and thinking she doesnt want to look for me in case I dont know about her/ dont want contact etc. I did register with the said agencies, but she hasnt.

Kayalana99

Sorry to take this off topic but do you think this is just a natural thing that adoptive kids want to do?

My MIL kids are adopted because she couldn't have her own after the first and we wonder sometimes are they going to want to find/meet thier birth parents one day.

I am slightly curouis why you put a child up for adoption that you obvouisly want a relationship with but realise that is a very personal question and these forums can be quite harsh sometimes so understandable if you don't want to say.

Gra76

Kayalana99 wrote: »

Sorry to take this off topic but do you think this is just a natural thing that adoptive kids want to do?

As myself and my brother are both adopted I can tell you that we both toyed with the idea of finding our biological birth mothers for a few years but ultimately that's all she'd have ever been to me. She gave me up to people who loved me and wanted me. Those people who adopted me are my parents as far as I'm concerned. They always will be and for me that was the end of it.

InsideInsurance

Kayalana99 wrote: »

Sorry to take this off topic but do you think this is just a natural thing that adoptive kids want to do?

As a kid I wasnt interested, my "mum and dad" were the people that brought me up though I had "always" know I was adopted.

As an early teenager my gran had one too many sherries one night and passed a throw away comment that my "birth mother" had sat exactly where I was sat in her flat. That peaked my interest slightly as I had assumed it was always a thing organised by a 3rd party and never had parties met.

Cut a long story short, it didnt really become much more than a passing curiosity until I started thinking about having own kids where it resurfaced especially due to my medical condition and it being unknown if it is genetic or not. I had a passing conversation with another relative who was asking about when will I have kids etc and it came up and she was the one that filled in the fact that my biological mother was vaguely known and that she had asked questions in the past.

I'm good with the net, had done some genealogy stuff before etc so got a lot of data from public records etc which is why I have a bigger picture. I have been where I am with knowing her details but having not made contact for about 2 years now.


Looking on other forums, I see a lot of adoptees talking about feeling incomplete, desperate to know where they came from etc and I can say I have never had anything close to those feelings. I do wonder if with at least some of these whether there are other issues and the adoption is just carrying the can for them rather than being the root cause.

So to the question above, I would suggest that it is probably common but is not universal.

redfragglebiker

Kayalana99 wrote: »

Sorry to take this off topic but do you think this is just a natural thing that adoptive kids want to do?

My MIL kids are adopted because she couldn't have her own after the first and we wonder sometimes are they going to want to find/meet thier birth parents one day.

I am slightly curouis why you put a child up for adoption that you obvouisly want a relationship with but realise that is a very personal question and these forums can be quite harsh sometimes so understandable if you don't want to say.

I don't mind telling more at all - I gave my son up several years ago now. (He'll be 13 soon) and as it's his birthday coming up I tend to have him on my mind a lot more.
13 years ago I had a concealed pregnancy and the first I knew of being pregnant was in the delivery room. I'd had NO symptoms at all - continued to have periods, no sickness and only gained around a stone in weight but had recently changed from an active to sedentary job so didn't think much of it. Along with the shock of it all I was in a bad place at the time and after holding him realised I could give him NOTHING he needed and in keeping him we would both suffer. Now he is getting older I would like to ensure he has the opportunity to find me if he wishes to do so.

I know some people never want to take that step and if he never does that is completley OK as I would never want to disrupt his life if he is happy and settled. I just think that if he ever does have questions I want to make finding me as hassle free as possible for him.

On that note if anyone has any questions for me regarding my side of things please don't be scared to ask. I'm happy to talk freely about my circumstances and the reasons why I chose to give him up. Incidentally I might think of him a lot but I don't regret my decision. Xx

Bluemeanie_2

I think giving a child up for adoption to give them a better a life is once of the most selfless things you can do. Anyone who can put the needs of a child before their own to this extent has my true admiration.
Especially when I see so many children being used as cash cows for benefits and poorly looked after/cared for/uwanted etc.

xxx