Doing things you don't want to do?

lazer

I have been reading a lot of threads on here and discussions with my firends in real life too - is the general consesus seems to be against doing things you don't want to do regardless of the other people involved.


If a friend wants you to go somewhere - and it's not expensive and you can afford it, but you simply don't want to go - do you ever go?

I do tend to do things my friends want to even if i Don't want to do them, but I know other people don't.
I have been to concerts I have no interest in because my friend wanted company.
I would go to birthdays/christenings weddings etc if at all feasible.

I think this is my nature - and I can feel hurt then when people don't return my generousity (Time) and don't come to things I organise or my birthday parties or whatever.
Over the years however I have hardened to this, and now I appreciate the people that do come instead of moaning about the ones that don't, but it tool me a long time to acknowledge this and stop expecting things of other people.

Is it wrong to have some sort of expectation that friends should do things for you?

ellay864

I do't think you should do things just to expect others to do them back for you, but rather because you care about that person as a friend. But if that friendship is all one-way and they never put themselves out for you then I would be bothered and would consider whether that person really is a friend of mine, and really deserves my friendship. Being a good friend is not the same as being a doormat.
Whether I do something that I'm not so keen on would depend on who it's with and why, and a true friend would respect your wishes anyway

podperson

I would think it's fair to say that most of us compromise at some point and do things that we may not particularly want to do for the sake of a friend/family member. A lot depends on the circumstances though.

If I know it would mean a lot to someone for me to go somewhere/do something with them then if I can make it/afford it I will try my best. If it's just something general, or it would leave me short moneywise, or say there was a big group anyway so I wouldn't really be missed, then I may not bother. So things like weddings I would try my best to make it to - though I'm on a tight budget so if they involve expensive travel, accomodations etc then I either may not be able to afford it full stop or may need to balance out how short it would leave me for the rest of the month with my need to be there.

I agree though, I have friends who can rarely bothered to make the effort and it can be frustrating to feel that it's all one-sided.

missprice

lazer wrote: »

I have been reading a lot of threads on here and discussions with my friends in real life too - is the general consensus seems to be against doing things you don't want to do regardless of the other people involved.

I think this is my nature - and I can feel hurt then when people don't return my generosity (Time) and don't come to things I organise or my birthday parties or whatever.

Is it wrong to have some sort of expectation that friends should do things for you?

see the highlighted bit, this is where it all went wrong for me. My B day is sadly in the Aug bank hol most years. When I turned 30 I arranged a party from March onward I asked various mates and said 'I know its the bank hol I accept you may have other plans but can you make it if not no worries just let me know?' >>> some even put it in diaries and calendars
they all said yeah sure and then none turned up on the day. Wont be doing that again and it made me quite sad

so I would no longer put myself out for others which is a shame

Tiddlywinks

I sometimes do stuff I don't want to do because I know it will make the other person happy / cheer them up / return a favour or whatever.... isn't friendship all about give and take?

Now if someone is always giving and the others are always taking... that's where the problems begin as you don't have balance to the friendship.

Is there any particular situation that has made you ask the question?

lazer

missprice wrote: »

see the highlighted bit, this is where it all went wrong for me. My B day is sadly in the Aug bank hol most years. When I turned 30 I arranged a party from March onward I asked various mates and said 'I know its the bank hol I accept you may have other plans but can you make it if not no worries just let me know?' >>> some even put it in diaries and calendars
they all said yeah sure and then none turned up on the day. Wont be doing that again and it made me quite sad

so I would no longer put myself out for others which is a shame

My birthday falls over the Christmas Holidays - so its generally the same for me.

I hope you still had a lovely birthday!

It is most annoying when people say they are going to be there and then aren't - its very unfair.

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

I sometimes do stuff I don't want to do because I know it will make the other person happy / cheer them up / return a favour or whatever.... isn't friendship all about give and take?

Now if someone is always giving and the others are always taking... that's where the problems begin as you don't have balance to the friendship.

Is there any particular situation that has made you ask the question?

No nothing particular, I have just noticed it more and more in general.
I used to live in the city but have moved a few years ago and have just noticed how few people ever make the effort to travel (Its only about 30 mile - so not actually far!) and yet they always expect me to be at their events back in the city.

I am very content with my life now, so it doesn't really bother me now and I have a good night no matter how few people turn up!

Person_one

lazer wrote: »

No nothing particular, I have just noticed it more and more in general.
I used to live in the city but have moved a few years ago and have just noticed how few people ever make the effort to travel (Its only about 30 mile - so not actually far!) and yet they always expect me to be at their events back in the city.

Ah, when you're the one that moves away from everybody else, generally you have to be the one that does the travelling. That's just how it goes.

I lived away from my home 'area' for a few years, friends and family visited a couple of times a year but generally it was me who went back to see them, when you choose to put the distance between you then its your responsibility to 'bridge the gap' more than it is theirs.

Also, how old are you and your friends? As people collect more responsibilities and ties like partners, children, demanding jobs, elderly parents, mortgages, in-laws etc. then its just part of the natural progression of life that your friends are less able to drop things to do you a favour.

Don't let it get you down, as long as you know they'd still be there for you in a pinch.

System

Ages and ages ago i was asked to go with my SIL to see the Moody Blues. I didnt really want to go but only went because she didnt want to go on her own and no one else wanted to go with her.

I am glad i went though as i enjoyed it (even if the only song i recognised was Nights in white Satin).

Tiddlywinks

Person_one wrote: »

Ah, when you're the one that moves away from everybody else, generally you have to be the one that does the travelling. That's just how it goes.
...................

Also, how old are you and your friends? As people collect more responsibilities and ties like partners, children, demanding jobs, elderly parents, mortgages, in-laws etc. then its just part of the natural progression of life that your friends are less able to drop things to do you a favour.

Don't let it get you down, as long as you know they'd still be there for you in a pinch.

I definitely agree with this... people are less inclined to travel if you are the one that's moved away... UNLESS you've moved to sunnier climes or have moved into your new mansion that you bought with a lottery win - in which case, you are inundated with offers to visit .

Lots of things factor into how much I give and take... friends who are ill, have young children or where finances are tight might be less able to do stuff than some others... it might be years of giving with nothing in return but I'm a great believer in the fact that friends will be there when needed (if at all possible) otherwise they are not friends, they are just acquaintances.

lazer

Person_one wrote: »

Ah, when you're the one that moves away from everybody else, generally you have to be the one that does the travelling. That's just how it goes.

I lived away from my home 'area' for a few years, friends and family visited a couple of times a year but generally it was me who went back to see them, when you choose to put the distance between you then its your responsibility to 'bridge the gap' more than it is theirs.

Also, how old are you and your friends? As people collect more responsibilities and ties like partners, children, demanding jobs, elderly parents, mortgages, in-laws etc. then its just part of the natural progression of life that your friends are less able to drop things to do you a favour.

Don't let it get you down, as long as you know they'd still be there for you in a pinch.

I am actually back in my own home area - and a lot of the friends have moved away from the city life (Only so much you can take of it after university!)

TBH I am not bothered at all by it - what I have now far outweighs anything I had living in the city - I have a wonderful relationship, live close to my family and have people I can call on if I just need a wee pick me up.

I am 30 (Eek - only turned 30 in december, so don't like writing that!)

I wasn't really talking about anything specific - and the thread was more becasue a friend is feeling a bit down as his 30th birthday is coming up and people won't make the effort despite him making the effort for everyone else and making sure to always go to their birthday if invited. - so its not really about me.

Hermia

lazer wrote: »

If a friend wants you to go somewhere - and it's not expensive and you can afford it, but you simply don't want to go - do you ever go?

Yes, as long as it's not something I would absolutely hate. Actually, a few of my interests/likes are the result of accompanying someone to a class or concert. I like to keep my mind open to new experiences so will usually give something a go. I would expect some give and take though. If the other person would never do the same for me I might limit it.

I admit I probably wouldn't go to weddings/christenings etc. If you don't know anyone else there it will be a tad awkward. And weddings/christenings are pretty dull unless you know the people involved.