Caring for my Mothers Dementia.

Errata

What would you consider a fair weekly contribution?

As you have POA you need to tread carefully as your MIL doesn't have capacity to decide for herself. In your shoes I would seek informal guidance from your local Age UK at this stage and see what that flags up.
My aged aunt lived with her daughter and gave her all her Attendance Allowance and state pension, only keeping back around £20 a week for herself, which was more than adequate.

lindens

is there a dementia day unit nearby? my father used one of these for over a year(5 days a week), it gave the family a break for several hours a day and importantly for him it gave him a routine which we found helped with his disease.

Frith

Have you spoken to Admiral Nurses? They are very good with matters to do with dementia.

onlyroz

You should certainly consider getting carers in to help you with day-to-day needs, and so that you get a break a few times a week. Being a full-time carer of a relative with advancing dementia is no easy task and you have to consider your own health before that of your mother.

datcat

I would start by asking the good people on http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forum.php
Not that people here aren't knowledgeable, but the talking point forum is fab because all of them in someway have been there, done it and cried about it.

Tiddlywinks

You mention that your mother is well provided for and that you have POA... do you have any siblings or others that may eventually have call on her estate?

I'm sorry to mention this but you do need to be very careful how you spend this money and the allowances you claim from her funds... one day you may have to defend those figures if the value of the estate is disputed.

You chose to give up your job which you said was well paid, I don't think it would be acceptable for you to claim a comparable salary to be honest. At best, you could claim for accommodation and personal care costs but I would ask Age UK for help in assessing these.

Mojisola

RAS wrote: »

Start by taking the household expenses and dividing by three. Try and get a formal assessment and get some respite support; which can be paid for from her account.

Agree - it's got to be at least one third of the household expenses and the full cost of any professional carers and that would include the cost of a cleaner or gardener, if you have them.

If you don't have help, think about getting at least a cleaner.

The stress involved with being a full-time carer creeps up on you because the person's needs usually increase steadily. You won't realise how stressed you are until you stop caring. Take advice from those of us who have been there before you and get help in whatever form takes the pressure off you.

katsclaws

datcat wrote: »

I would start by asking the good people on http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forum.php
Not that people here aren't knowledgeable, but the talking point forum is fab because all of them in someway have been there, done it and cried about it.

This is an excellent forum.

Lincs_poacher_2

Thanks everyone.

I'm going to look into obtaining some care during the day, as I haven't left the house for 2 weeks. It would be nice just to tinker around in the garage for a while, as I have an old car for my retirement. LoL
No, I don't have siblings, therefore can't share the load, nor does anyone else have any call on the estate.
I wouldn't dream of charging for my lost wages, I was a freelance draughtsman/engineer, most of my working life, but I wouldn't think say £150 per week would be unreasonable, as the heating is on all day, she eats very well & we also have costs if we go away for 2 or 3 days, for respite
Haven't had a break since October.

Thanks again.

lallysmum

Mojisola wrote: »

The stress involved with being a full-time carer creeps up on you because the person's needs usually increase steadily. You won't realise how stressed you are until you stop caring. Take advice from those of us who have been there before you and get help in whatever form takes the pressure off you.

This. Exactly this. I stopped "caring" for my mum when she went into a care home a year ago. Slightly different situation, as I had cared for her for 10 years and I'm only 35 now, but at the time I thought I had some sort of heart condition. I'd get palpitations, missing beats, could feel my heart beating all the time.. it was awful. 3 months after she'd gone and it had all stopped. I was *this* close to a breakdown and heartless as it may sound, would never look after anyone in that way again. (Mum also had dementia as well as other long term health issues)

i would go for a third of the monthly expenses, mum never gave me anything to care for her as I was *paid* to do so with Carer's Allowance..

On another note, mum initially didn't want to go into a home, she went in for respite after getting pneumonia and me having a mini meltdown when she was about to be discharged from hospital... and although she doesn't now love it there, she is happy and content and well looked after.

I hope it all gets better for you, I really, really do.