Caring for my Mothers Dementia.

Lincs_poacher_2

My Mother is nearly 86, suffers from dementia and has been living with myself & Wife since My Father died nearly 3 years ago.

As She won't contemplate a care home, I gave up a fairly well paid job to stay at home with her, while my Wife works part time.The arrangement, hasn't exactly destroyed our 40 year marriage, but has put a strain upon it.

As my Mother is fairly comfortably off, and has a good income from various pensions etc. what would be considered a fair weekly payment from her to help with the extra costs involved against our much reduced income? She does pay something and is willing to increase the amount.

Many thanks.

CH27

Does she get Attendance Allowance? If yes do you claim Carer's Allowance?

RAS

Anything up to the amount you have lost in salary or the amount that it would cost for her to be in a care home.

Watch out however, as is she has dementia you need power of attorney sharpish and once that is in place the attorney can only spend money on things that directly benefit the donor.

Mojisola

If it's possible for you to get back to work, do that and your mother can pay for carers to come and look after her.

suki1001

Hi,

Why not get in touch with social services? They can come round and help assess and I think you can pay them for assisted care (or you night be entitled to help). Don't leave it too long. I worked for an agency and often just sat with people who needed it, more to give their families a break. I loved doing it too (not all care workers are bad). do get some help. The families I worked with were only too happy to have a bit of help. It can become very stressful if you don't get time out - you need to look after your needs too.

Alternatively, when my grandmother was in a nursing home and I was working full time and the only relative who could visit her, I contacted an agency that offered a service where they'd just simply go in and keep her company, because her care needs were already met.

Does she get attendance allowance etc?

Person_one

Sometimes a care home is the best answer for everybody, don't completely rule it out. Remember that you have to consider yourself and your wife too.

Advanced dementia can make it incredibly difficult to care for somebody at home and maintain any semblance of your own life.

suki1001

Person_one wrote: »

Sometimes a care home is the best answer for everybody, don't completely rule it out. Remember that you have to consider yourself and your wife too.

Advanced dementia can make it incredibly difficult to care for somebody at home and maintain any semblance of your own life.

Agree with this.

You could also try respite, so it doesn't have to be permanent. Not sure how the costs work though.

Lincs_poacher_2

Thanks for the replies.

Yes I get carers allowance, (£50+ per week) my Mother gets attendance allowance.

I can't really return to work, as I'm nearly 65 and lost all confidence in the last 3 years of doing nothing (I did have an awful interview last year)

I have POA and look after my Mothers accounts.

We do have a few days away every so often, but it's a fight to get my Mother into a care home even for that sort of period.

What would you consider a fair weekly contribution?

Thanks.

suki1001

Lincs_poacher wrote: »

What would you consider a fair weekly contribution?

Thanks.

Rather than working out a contribution first, I think you need to see if you are entitled to some care assistance that you don't have to pay for. Whether it's a night sit, someone coming in one afternoon a week. This is where I think the social workers come in. Don't quote me on it though.

Mrs_Boo_Boo

Goodness me you need a break.
caring for someone with dementia is no easy task and most people in the end have to move to a care home because even having a team to look after them is exhausting,especially when they have day /night reversal. congratulations to you.
Yes as others have said you need to put things in place legally. If your mother is still able you need a Power of Attorney to cover when she no longer has the capacity to manage her own finances. This does not have to be registered with the Court of Protection until she no longer has capacity and believe me this will happen. Dementia is a progressive disease and doesn't get any better.

Like others have said if she has the means then what about a sitting service/befriending to take the pressure off you. Care agencies can also take people out for leisure activities such as Singing for the Brain or even just sit and talk to them. Introducing 'carers' now will mean your mum will accept them easier when she really needs them. Will she attend a 'lunch club' don't mention day centre! This may ease her in gently and mean she has company and activities.

Would she contemplate a small holiday as respite? If she is willing it will introduce her to moving to a home eventually.

I would contact your local Alzheimer's Society and Older Person's Mental Health team for advice. I used to run a group for carers of people with dementia and they always said they struggled on for too long. Don't let it ruin your marriage either.

Good Luck

On average here residential dementia registered homes start from £600 a week and nursing from £700 to over £1000 a week!

RAS

Start by taking the household expenses and dividing by three. Try and get a formal assessment and get some respite support; which can be paid for from her account.

For all your sakes consider getting a part-time one day a week or couple of evenings work to get you out of the house, into another world and raise a little independent income.