Hypothetical - their dead relative, not seen for 5 years, how sympathetic are you?

Puddleglum

I think that guilt would be the overriding factor. If for some reason a person had not visited or contacted another person for four years then, whatever the reason or how valid it was, they would be distraught at their own neglect and try to rationalise it as justified in their own minds.

onlyroz

There are a number of reasons why a person might not contact a relative for four years, but still be upset to hear of their death. Perhaps they are mourning the relationship that "might have been" if circumstances had been different?

If somebody hasn't been contacted in four years are we to assume that *they* are blameless?

helen80

I registered to reply to this.
My much loved Mum died on her own in her house and was not found for nearly a week.
It'a absolutely heartbreaking and not a day goes by when I don't think of her. I find it really hard to accept that she was lying there for days when I was getting on with my life, e.g celebrating my husbands birthday. Its utterly devastating and does not mean I didn't love her. She was very young, I live 5 hrs away from where she lived and I spoke to her on the phone the day I believe she died. Could I have done something to prevent it? Maybe, and I will live with that for the rest of my life.
She taught me to be happy and enjoy my life so I try to carry on as she would have wanted, its all I can do.
So to answer, I would be sympathetic.

ognum

I had the weird experience some years ago of receiving a call from an heir hunter!

I had never even heard of the person who had died, they were a distant relative who had gone abroad in the 50s and lost contact with the family.

I suffer real guilt not only because he died alone without any family but also because we received some of his money. It was a very odd and difficult feeling.

We gave the money to a homeless charity!

Captain_Charisma

I would be very understanding, I think in a different way this could be as bad as a close relative dieing but in a different way. The person could become overcome with guilt that they could have made more of an effort in the past years and now they haven't got the chance

Kili

A relative of my OH's died 2 years ago, reasonably young. We have family scattered all over the country but one particular 'great niece', who'd not actually seen him for about 4 years and lived the opposite side of the country suddenly became 'griever in chief'. She was about 17 at the time ant it became so utterly ridiculous and OTT that other family members had to have a word.

She started a facebook page, wrote him poetry, posted to it every day how much she missed him. It was quite bizarre considering she actually hadn't seen him for so long and they were in no way close, it was probably fair to say they barely knew eachother.
At the funeral she sat in church and howled all the way through it.

To this day we can't really understand it at all. We thought it might be an attention thing but who knows. I do know that her outbursts were especially upsetting for those who genuinely were close to him.

londonsurrey

Helen, I'm very sorry to hear about your mother, and in no way compare a week of non-contact that is perfectly normal in every day living to 5 years of non-contact.

Captain_Charisma wrote: »

I would be very understanding, I think in a different way this could be as bad as a close relative dieing but in a different way. The person could become overcome with guilt that they could have made more of an effort in the past years and now they haven't got the chance

It's fine that they feel guilty - that's a personal choice.

However, guilt is self indulgence - it's all about them, yet again.
Yet again, they're sitting there, not actually doing anything, which is ironic, given that it was them not doing anything that they're guilty about.

There's nothing in there while they're wallowing in guilt and demanding sympathy for the wallow that actually helps anyone else.

They didn't help the relative, and it's not as though during the wallow that they're volunteering to help someone else's abandoned relative. So it's 5 years of doing nothing, and now wanting sympathy for an extension of the 5 years of doing the same?

pigpen

I'd think they were lying. After a month or so the smell of rotting corpse would be noticable on walking past the house, there would be unpaid bills etc.

4 years of lying dead in a house would not ring true.

And in terms of sympathy I would tell them it was a shame they didn't have that much concern about them while they were alive and they might have been found sooner, how long does a call take or to pop for an hour. It is not grief it is their own guilt!

The same as was said to my uncles girlfriend when he was left rotting in his bed for 6 weeks... until the neighbours complained about the smell.

Pennywise2012

It would depend on the type of grief. There's the 'guilt grief' - I think that would be genuine. We'd all feel bad if a neighbour or someone we knew by sight died and wasn't found for ages. It's sympathy, horror, fear that it could happen to us. It's not the same as bereavement grief, but it is genuine.

Then you get the tragedy queens (and kings), who revel in the misery and make it all about them. It sounds like the people OP mentioned would be this type. They get involved purely so they can tell other people about how involved they are. I would have no sympathy for them!

missprice

sooty&sweep wrote: »

Have to be honest and say not very sympathetic. Even if you don't have time to visit surely you can find the time to pick up the phone.

I have a relative who lives about a 3 hour drive from me and I call him at Christmas only and have not actually seen him in the flesh for 12 years. but if he did not answer his phone when I called I would assume he was busy and probably not think about him again til next Christmas which could in theory mean he was dead for nearly 2 years (He has family that live nearby so I dont think this would happen )

Kili wrote: »

A relative of my OH's died 2 years ago, reasonably young. We have family scattered all over the country but one particular 'great niece', who'd not actually seen him for about 4 years and lived the opposite side of the country suddenly became 'griever in chief'. She was about 17 at the time ant it became so utterly ridiculous and OTT that other family members had to have a word.

She started a facebook page, wrote him poetry, posted to it every day how much she missed him. It was quite bizarre considering she actually hadn't seen him for so long and they were in no way close, it was probably fair to say they barely knew eachother.
At the funeral she sat in church and howled all the way through it.

To this day we can't really understand it at all. We thought it might be an attention thing but who knows. I do know that her outbursts were especially upsetting for those who genuinely were close to him.

I was once in a similar situation and although I didn’t faceache or write poetry (it was not around then as its easily 25 years ago now). I was devastated when An aunt died. And I was not even told she was ill before she died. I was so shocked that she had died and yet for everyone else it was not so big a shock as they knew she was ill and in a hospice.
for a week I could not stop crying and everyone probably thought I was mental as we were not close (I spent a few summer hols at her house as a child )
but looking back I can see people thought I was overreacting.

:rotfl: