should I keep quiet...

abailey54

Hi basically

IMHO You may have kept friends with him all these years, and he may seem like mr perfect but he'd have all the same irritating habits etc that we all have when living together, so I think there might be a bit of rose tinted specs going on. If the relationship was so special, why weren't you following him abroad? Why didn't he cancel working abroad because he was so in love?

You don't actually mention in your post any dissatisfaction with your own marriage. I think if you are unhappy in your marriage then that's a different issue, but surely one that you and your husband should be working through - not one that some outsider has to dictate the fate of. Is the ex providing something that you wished your husband provided?

FBaby

I am assuming that you fed him with talk about leaving your husband too and living the perfect life with him too, that at the time you indeed then it was what you intended to do, but whereas he had the guts to go along with it, you got cold feet?

If you never gave any hints that you intended on breaking up your family for him, then he is a fool and probably self-centered. If however, as I suspect above, you did make plans together, but now that it is your turn to do it you are having second thoughts, then I think you quickly need to think on your feet because you are about to risk to lose everything.

You made your bed and you now need to lie in it. The life of security with your husband mixed with the excitment of imagining a life of perfect love with your boyfriend is about to be destroyed no matter what. You are left with no choice. You go ahead with the plans, lose the security and hope that in the end, it will be all worth it because you will be much happier with your boyfriend and you won't do too much damage to everyone else, or, you backtrack, pray that your husband forgives you, pray that both you and husband can move on, and get over the guilt that your boyfriend will have lost everything.

You are too far in it now to backtrack without some consequences.

Pollycat

basically wrote: »

now he has got fed up waiting, told his wife he can't live with her with not being in love with her, she is devastated , he is all steam ahead to get us together, I have frozen in fear, I should be elated but can't think properly, the kids, the marriages will go, the houses, everything for what could be a huge mistake?

basically wrote: »

I should have known, now what we always wanted seems so destructive.

I think you've egged him on and now that he's fed up of waiting and has actually done something about his situation, you've got cold feet.

basically wrote: »

I have frozen in fear, I should be elated but can't think properly, the kids, the marriages will go, the houses, everything for what could be a huge mistake?

Now he says he will tell my husband, there has been plenty of chats, texts etc I know I am guilty, I can imagine people will think my behaviour is worse than well the lowest of the low, i have nothing good to say about me.

My husband if he tells him will never forgive me, we are going to destroy a good man, kids, marriages, this is bad.

Are you seriously saying that you never, ever considered what impact this would have on your OH, your kids, your lifestyle?
You're right - it is bad.

basically wrote: »

I'm in this for my own doing. He says he has come clean for us, he feels betrayed I am not doing the same, my husband will feel worse for knowing what has been happening, I dont know what to say or do. I should tell my husband?

You ask if you should tell your husband?

Well, dear, it sounds like if you don't, he will.

ValHaller

Pollycat wrote: »

.....You ask if you should tell your husband?

Well, dear, it sounds like if you don't, he will.

I agree. At least if you do it yourself, you can retain a sliver of control of your destiny.

fluffnutter

It's incredibly easy to romanticise our first love. In reality if it were he you were married to with the kids, the getting the dinner on the table each day, the putting the bins out every week, the mundane and banal detail of family life, you'd soon lose this idealised notion of how perfect this guy is.

You were together but you split up. If the relationship could have gone the distance it wouldn't have ended in the first place. You say you 'drifted' for heaven's sake, hardly the language of two people destined to be together.

Cut the contact and concentrate on your marriage. Unless you and this guy want to destroy nine people's lives.

Pollycat

I wonder if the OP was at least honest with her OH and told him that she was still in touch with her 'first love' and was texting him and meeting up with him.

Or was it all done in secret?

meer53

If you play with fire, you'll get burnt. When you were in touch and "texting" where did you think this was going to go ?

If you want to save your marriage, and you haven't said whether you do or not, tell your husband. Better coming from you than anyone else.

fluffnutter

I'm not sure if I'd fess up to the husband. I'm ambivalent really. If it was all going to be exposed then far better it come from the OP than anyone else. But having said that, I'd be loathe to discuss anything with my husband simply because someone's threatening to expose me.

I'm also not convinced that 'coming clean' is always the best policy. If you can guarantee that you'd never see someone again and you were genuinely going to commit to your marriage then why hurt someone? Does he actually need to know? Sometimes people confess to things merely because it makes them feel better, to assuage their own guilt. Pity the poor other half who was none the wiser, would never by any the wiser, was perfectly happy and now has to deal with the pain, confusion and worry of someone saying 'Oh, I nearly had an affair, but don't worry, I'm not going to now'.

busiscoming2

I think you've been wearing rose tinted specs all these years! I daresay the contact kept you amused during the boring routine of domesticity.

IMO I don't think this ex is worth leaving your husband for, you certainly don't sound unhappy with your marriage. If he is threatening you with exposure, what sort of man is he?

It may be a case of his wife getting fed up with him, dumping him and he is panicking and that's why he wants you now.

It's your call whether you tell your husband or not. Only you have an idea how he will react.

LandyAndy

DannyBo wrote: »

I love these threads where the OP posts and rushes off to do something more pressing.

Yep. Still not come back.

And people still fall for it.