should I keep quiet...

basically

Before I got married to my husband I was engaged to be married, we split up and went our seperate ways because he went to work abroad and it was so hard to keep the relationship, we were young, my first love so in love but we drifted.

I met and married my husband and he his wife, between the two marriages we have 5 kids.

we always kept in touch, all these years, never got together but saw each other, talked a lot, always knew we let go the best love.

now he has got fed up waiting, told his wife he can't live with her with not being in love with her, she is devastated , he is all steam ahead to get us together, I have frozen in fear, I should be elated but can't think properly, the kids, the marriages will go, the houses, everything for what could be a huge mistake?

Now he says he will tell my husband, there has been plenty of chats, texts etc I know I am guilty, I can imagine people will think my behaviour is worse than well the lowest of the low, i have nothing good to say about me.

My husband if he tells him will never forgive me, we are going to destroy a good man, kids, marriages, this is bad.

I'm in this for my own doing. He says he has come clean for us, he feels betrayed I am not doing the same, my husband will feel worse for knowing what has been happening, I dont know what to say or do. I should tell my husband?

I should have known, now what we always wanted seems so destructive.

74jax

I'm a bit confused sorry.

Come clean about what? Have you been having an affair? Or just kept in touch and the other guy read the situation wrong?

maddeningly

First love or not, this behaviour is threatening and controlling. He may have left his wife, but for him to expect the same from you is something else. Deciding to end your marriage is your decision and not one to be taken lightly. The way I see it is he is trying to control you and force you to make a decision and this is what your relationship with him would be like. If he truly loves you he will let you make the decision what's best for you and will give you time to make this decision.

Sambucus_Nigra

What are you guilty of exactly?

If he is behaving like this, is this really the sort of man to leave your husband for?

whitewing

Sounds like you are having an emotional affair, pretty much as destructive as a sexual affair.

It doesn't necessarily mean the end of your marriage. It does potentially mean a huge amount of hurt.

Whatever has or hasn't happened, I would want a full explanation from you and the opportunity to probably ask the same questions a million times over. And I would need time to process that without you running back and forth between the two people.

I can't actually see that there is any future with the non-lover, myself. It's too messy a situation for much good to come out of it.

Teeniepops

maddeningly wrote: »

First love or not, this behaviour is threatening and controlling. He may have left his wife, but for him to expect the same from you is something else. Deciding to end your marriage is your decision and not one to be taken lightly. The way I see it is he is trying to control you and force you to make a decision and this is what your relationship with him would be like. If he truly loves you he will let you make the decision what's best for you and will give you time to make this decision.

I agree with this.

It sounds like there has been an affair, at minimum an emotional affair.

That said, do you want to tip your life upside down for a man who is forcing your hand?

I don't think anyone here can really give you advice as we don't know the details, you or your family and at the end of the day, nobody can advise anyone about this.

All I'd say is get some time out to get head together.

Remember, all exes are exes for a reason. Try to remove him from equation and ficus on your marriage. Is it over with or without this ex being about?

Good luck

meritaten

so HE has declared his love for you - told his wife and broken up his marraige.
He wants you to do the same - and if you dont - HE is going to tell your husband!
nice guy! and that is the reason you are hesitating I think - a person who really loves would NOT do that to you!
only thing to do is call his bluff - break it off and defy him.
only you know if you can confess all to OH and the marraige survives or whether you have to lie and say its all in his head you have just been friends with him! I dont normally advocate lying - but, sometimes needs must.
what I wouldnt do is go against the gut instinct that has you hesitating and asking for advice on here. If you were sure of him you would be off wouldnt you?

balletshoes

this other man will tell your husband what? What is there to tell? Only you can decide about this, only you know whats gone between you and this man, and how your husband would feel about it if he knew about it.

Also, something else to consider - if you were your husband, in the same set of circumstances, would you want to know, would you want your spouse to be the one to tell you?

Mojisola

basically wrote: »

we always kept in touch, all these years, never got together but saw each other, talked a lot, always knew we let go the best love.

Now he says he will tell my husband, there has been plenty of chats, texts etc

What happened when you met up with him? Did you lie to your husband about where you were going?

What did you say in the texts?

I would rather end up on my own than with a man who could throw over his marriage and try to blackmail me into leaving mine.

pigpen

I'd be cutting all contact with him right now.. he sounds a right catch and you may well have had a lucky escape! His poor wife and children! He has thrown them into total disarray and is trying to break up your marriage too.. such a gem! Would you really want to spend the rest of your life being controlled and manipulated like this?

You should really tell your husband now. He will be hurt and confused, especially if you have lied about your whereabouts to meet this guy.

Leaving your husband and getting with this guy both of you on the rebound is a big big mistake.

You already know all this.

DannyBo

I love these threads where the OP posts and rushes off to do something more pressing.