Supposed to be getting married....

jen1301

I'm not usually one to ask for advice and I'm new to the forum but i'm hoping you might be able to help.

Everything between me and my fiance had been great up until today.

Bit of background, we met Dec 2011 and quickly fell in love, became inseparable and we both soon admitted that each other were 'the one'. We moved in together in September and he proposed in November. It didn't at all feel too fast until now and we've got an appointment with the vicar tomorrow to set a date for November :S

So the problem? I was going through some paperwork today and came across a notepad which had a draft of a 'love letter'. It was addressed to one of his female friends telling her that he loved her and was completely infatuated etc..

I calmly confronted him when he got in. He said it was from a few years ago,he had feelings for her, that he now realizes it wasn't really love and he never sent it anyway.

I believe this but i'm still struggling with it. I've sat in the same room as this person, or next to her at the pub or whatever and i just feel a little bit weird, i can't really explain it.

When we first got together and he introduced me to people i thought he was abit different with her but i just told myself i was being daft. It never really bothered me that much that i would have said anything.

He says any feelings he had for her have completely gone and i'm the one he wants blah blah, He got really upset and was panicking that i was going to leave etc.. I told him i couldn't just not say anything. I explained that i understand everyone has a past, i just shouldn't have to come across things like that in my own home. It wasn't really hidden- just bundled with other random paper.

I'm left not really knowing what to do, I'm worried that we're not ready to marry if something like this has affected me in this way. I feel quite hurt and i guess that is because he's always told me i'm the only one he's ever loved etc.. I know you might think i'm gullible for believing that but i did because he'd always been quite unlucky in love before. Never introduced anyone to his family, apart from first proper girlfriend when he was 18.

He's such a lovely guy and I'm completely in love with him and i know he loves me too i'm just confused about the marriage thing.

I hope this makes sense. Sorry for rambling on

I appreciate any advice x

Scrapaholic

Hi, you believed him when he told you that he thought he loved her but realised he was infatuated . His feelings for you probably made him realise that it wasn't the same as his feelings for her . It's a shame that you found the letter . If you've no cause to doubt him it may take a while but perhaps you can get over it . It'd be a shame to change your plans for something that means nothing . I hope he can reassure you and that things get sorted quickly . We've been married 36 years and I still have photos of old boyfriends ! They mean nothing , never bothered DH but I should really throw them away ! Good luck .

dacouch

It's in his past, no doubt you're had boyfriends in the past.

Surely only a problem if he had sent the same letter word for word to you

whitewing

I still have a valentine card from a previous boyfriend, a big card. I am not in contact with him any more and haven't been for years. DH suggests every so often when he comes across it that I chuck it, but I haven't. Can't remember the last time I actually looked at it.

It would have jolted me but as far as I can see your fiance said all the right things. I think it's probably of no importance to him since before he met you.

I expect it feels like bad timing and therefore may be "significant", but I think it is probably good timing - get him to burn it and forget all about it.

podperson

Hun, perhaps he told you that you're the only one he's ever loved because he'd realised by then that what he felt for this woman wasn't love. It sounds like a bit of a crush or maybe he was lonely was trying to 'look' for something with friends. Whatever it was though he didn't act on it, nothing happened and it would be shame for this to spoil things between you and him now.
I appreciate it was probably a bit of a shock to randomly find it in the house - but that probably shows that he had forgetten all about it and doesn't mean anything to him or he would have been more careful with it. I hope you can manage to feel better about this x

jen1301

Thankyou for the replies.

I guess it was the shock of finding it. Especially when we're just about to 'set a date'. I really don't want it to affect us. I'm not angry with him. Everyone has a past. I was with my ex for 7 years, I've always been honest about it but i did get rid of everything from him or things that reminded me of him before I've moved in with my fiance. It was my way of having a fresh start.

mgdavid

jen1301 wrote: »

........ i did get rid of everything from him or things that reminded me of him before I've moved in with my fiance. It was my way of having a fresh start.

that's your way; he's different. People treat these things in different ways.

Gloomendoom

jen1301 wrote: »

Thankyou for the replies.

I guess it was the shock of finding it. Especially when we're just about to 'set a date'. I really don't want it to affect us. I'm not angry with him. Everyone has a past. I was with my ex for 7 years, I've always been honest about it but i did get rid of everything from him or things that reminded me of him before I've moved in with my fiance. It was my way of having a fresh start.

Not everybody needs to physically remove all traces of former partners before they move on, it happens mentally.

I was married to somebody else in a past life. I still have photos and I even find the odd valentine card knocking around occasionally (they do get binned though.) I didn't feel the need to purge the house when I remarried because they mean nothing.

My wife isn't bothered by it at all.

jen1301

Yeahh i understand that.

I've just never had to deal with finding anything as he was never really with anyone for very long before me.

I haven't asked him to get rid of it, although i expect he has. To be fair he said he forgot about it long ago.

whitewing

Yes, in our relationship there are things like that that are different for me than DH. I can very occasionally joke about someone I know that I mildly fancy, but I would not be able to handle it if DH did the same about someone we both know. (I don't go as far as not expecting him to ever fancy anyone else again).

I actually don't know how many women DH has had sex with in his life. (No men, though, that was discussed for blood doning at one point). I would have thought that lack of info would have been a deal breaker, but it's fine. I do know that he's not in contact with any of them though as he's not from round here and also that was said at one point.

Seanymph

Are you a bit cold feety because the speed had already troubled you? That this sort of shouts 'you don't know this person as well as you thought you did?

IF that is the case then listen to your instincts, give yourself a bit more time - nothing good will go away if you give yourself another 12 months, you'll just be engaged for a little bit longer time. No rushing, no pushing, it's not an emergency........ you can get married any time.

Of course everyone else might be completely right, and I'm just a bit out of step. But I heard the voices you are hearing and didn't listen, and it turned out to be a very expensive mistake.

i expect if you gave it more time you'd just be more sure (which is what I did this time) by the time i got to 'i will' I was there 100%. It's a nicer feeling.

Give yourself time if you need it.