Advice needed - elderly friend needs to go into care

whitewing

Come and join us on the Dehoarding thread - it isn't so that you dejunk her, but so that you can maybe get an insight into her thought processes on keeping stuff which may make it easier for you to put yourself in her position https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4366335

(I haven't worded that very well, I know you've only mentioned her hoarding in passing)

Torry_Quine

It's a difficult situation and she is fortunate that she has people who care. However if she doesn't want to go into a care home even if that seems what she needs then no one can make her.

meritaten

I suspect this lady distrusts the medical profession, social services, in fact, anyone in 'authority'!
makes it difficult to get her appropriate care doesnt it?
does your OH do the 'tough love' thing?
hhmmmm - he may get further with 'your son would have wanted to to get the best of care - and I am sure he would have done 'so and so'?
she sounds like she is in a bit of a bad way medically at the moment - could she not be treated in hospital? for a few weeks until she is better? she may be more amenable then to 'help'?
she may also become more accustomed to er, 'non white people'? I am not being racist, simply responding to the OPs remarks about this lady!
she is of an age where the workhouse was still a massive worry! she may equate care homes with those - perhaps a visit to some (when she is better) may ease her mind?

Purleygirl

She is clearly terrified and aware of her deterioration but elderly people do fare better in their own homes. She does need to up the care though. As far as shopping is concerned, could you order it on line for her if she says what she wants, that way it'll be delivered. How about meals on wheels? She'll get a meal delivered plus someone daily to check she's ok. An occupational therapist should visit to assess her home and see what aids can be put into place to help her move around.Is there a befriending service in your area? You could recommend a cleaner for her maybe, someone you trust. She's right though, your affairs are looked into, my father in law had everything scrutinized, bank statements, savings, shares, etc. Your friend is from that generation of mind your own business. It's a tough one, but often you have to wait until something bad happens, a fall, , scald or something of the sort until she will want to change things. But I so sympathize with her, you are clearly good sorts and someone once told me that in life you may regret many things, but being kind will never be one of them.

Tiglath

whitewing wrote: »

Come and join us on the Dehoarding thread - it isn't so that you dejunk her, but so that you can maybe get an insight into her thought processes on keeping stuff which may make it easier for you to put yourself in her position https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4366335

(I haven't worded that very well, I know you've only mentioned her hoarding in passing)

Thanks - a lot of it is her dead son's possessions, especially the stuff in the sitting room. She's never come to terms with losing him and has locked his former bedroom door since he died. She's asked DH to sell his stuff when she dies, with the proceeds to go to an animal charity, and has passed some of it to DH to store at our house in the meantime. We used to take her to the crematorium so she could put flowers in the garden of remembrance but she's not been able to do that for a couple of years now, and really really struggled to get down the single step of her bungalow this Christmas.

cte1111

Based on what's happened with my Gran: your friend will be expected to pay for a care home out of her cash, then when it has gone down to £3,000, she can apply for a bridging loan. Her house would need to be put up for sale in the meantime.

My Gran was very independent and managed at home for a long time with the support of lots of very good friends. After a fall, she agreed to go into a residential home for a short time. She then decided that she would like to stay there long term, so we then had to ask the council to do a financial assessment.

Hope you manage to get your friend more comfortable without her getting too upset about the changes.

NB people's feelings about who care for them can change too over time. When my Gran first needed help getting up in the morning, she was absolutely horrified when she was sent a male carer (this was when she was still in her own flat). Last time I visited her, I noticed that the carer she seemed to get on with best was a man, who she was quite happy to let help her go to the bathroom. Prejudices can wear off in the end.

Tiglath

meritaten wrote: »

hhmmmm - he may get further with 'your son would have wanted to to get the best of care - and I am sure he would have done 'so and so'?
she sounds like she is in a bit of a bad way medically at the moment - could she not be treated in hospital? for a few weeks until she is better? she may be more amenable then to 'help'?

Yep he's already tried that one. She's in hospital at the moment and I don't know when she'll be out. Unfortunately we don't live anywhere near her - we're several hours drive away.

Tiddlywinks

Could she employ a companion (or two) to live in and help her?

In the old days this is what elderly ladies did when they had no other family to take care of them.

Let's be honest, do any of us relish the prospect of going into a home? it scares the cr&p out of me - it can mean that you lose all control over your life and, if you have no one visiting regularly, you have no one to fight for you if the care is below standard.

At least remaining at home gives some control.

Tiglath

Purleygirl wrote: »

As far as shopping is concerned, could you order it on line for her if she says what she wants, that way it'll be delivered. How about meals on wheels? She'll get a meal delivered plus someone daily to check she's ok. An occupational therapist should visit to assess her home and see what aids can be put into place to help her move around.Is there a befriending service in your area? You could recommend a cleaner for her maybe, someone you trust.

I'd happily order online for her but she couldn't carry a single bag from the front door to the kitchen. She's always said No to meals on wheels, which is when the neighbour stepped in. She only lets the nurses in a couple of times a week out of sufferance, and then complains that they use the wrong cream/steal her scissors etc. It's very difficult but I don't think anything further can be done without her agreement.

meritaten

There does come a point when a persons 'agreement' can be overridden.
are you in contact with the hospital hun? who is her 'next of kin' on her notes?