Advice needed - elderly friend needs to go into care

Tiglath

DH has asked me to post this. He has a friend of 78 who has no family. She lives alone and it's got the point where she can't manage. She can barely walk, sleeps in an armchair and shuffles to the bathroom (when she makes it in time). She can't leave the house and a neighbour does her shopping and brings her meals. We take her out at Christmas for a meal but she barely made it this year and said she doesn't expect to be around next Christmas. She's currently in hospital with kidney failure (although this isn't life-threatening) and very low blood pressure. She also has severely ulcerated legs.

DH has just spoken to the neighbour who says really that M needs to go into some kind of care home. She regularly falls and the district nurses have to call an ambulance to get her up again, an she ends up in hospital a couple of times a year, but she's incredibly stubborn. The house is a hovel as she's a hoarder. Piles and piles of boxes and belongings with bedsheets over them. She basically lives in a small sitting room with a gas fire and a TV, and a kettle in the kitchen, and that's it. We've offered to get her further help from social services but it's always a resounding No because 'they'll want to pry into my bank account and then they'll steal from me.'

If he and the neighbour can get her to see that she can no longer live alone, please can someone advise on funding options and how much it's likely to cost? Looking on rightmove, her house is worth somewhere in the region of £280-300k but would lose some of that because of the state of disrepair. I know she gets a pension, and about 6 years ago she had something in the region of £25k in the bank - I doubt she's spent much of that, and I don't think she has any debts.

Would the council put a charge on her house if she went into a nursing home and then reclaim it from the sale of her house when she dies? Would she be expected to sell the house first? Is there a limit to what you're expected to pay towards care as a homeowner? DH would like to be in a position to explain to her her options in simple terms, so if anyone can help that would be great. Many thanks.

BitterAndTwisted

I don't have any personal experience so can't offer any sensible advice apart from sending you to the AgeUK website.

I have a feeling that medical care is funded by the NHS and it's the personal care (washing, feeding oneself etcetera) that attracts the big price-tag and that's what people are expected to fund from their own resources. I suspect quite a lot depends on precisely how much care this lady will require.

Person_one

Speak to the district nurses, they should be able to arrange for an assessment of her needs.

Tiglath

Thanks for that - I do have a current AgeUK pack here, coincidentally, to go through for my own Mum, so I'll have a read of that and check out the website. I think it's got to the point where she's not safe in her home even if carers came several times a day. The nurses come in every 2-3 days at the moment to change the dressings but that's it. She really needs to be in a home with people around 24/7 (although I pity them because she's an awkward hostile old wotsit!). She's got all her marbles but is intensely private and suspicious. The elderly neighbour who shops and cooks is having to cut back on what she does because her own health is poor, and she's been carrying the load for 7 years now. We live a long way away so we're not in a position to go down there to help. We'll suggest to the neighbour that she gets M's agreement to get social services to do a care assessment.

daffodil

My advice is to try to put yourself into her shoes if you are able.

I have worked as a carer in a home and in the community and I would say that she will be happier being looked after by friends.

If you do decide on a home for her then keep an eye on her and visit very regularly and when not expected.

Blessings to your friend, I hope things work out for her.:A

jackyann

Yes, that is correct, and the council would regard care as a priority, to be repaid out of the sale of the house.
This lady is at the most difficult stage for those around her. That is, she obviously needs help, is not really dealing with the issues, but is not so irrational as to need intervention against her wishes.
The only approach really is to explain that if she takes charge herself, she can choose to have care at home, or choose the nursing home she goes into, so retaining some control. If she waits until it is forced on her because she is in danger, she will have less say.
It is a very good idea to talk to AgeUK (or a local, similar organisation) as they often have local knowledge that may help. Sometimes they have visitors who will explain how things work and are used both to dealing with elderly people, and with what is on offer locally.
My sympathies. Some elderly people do prefer to wait until care is forced upon them as they hate making the choice themselves, and don't realise how hard that is for their family & friends.

Person_one

You do have to remember OP, you aren't her family and ultimately it won't be up to friends and neighbours, if she has the capacity to understand her decisions then it will be up to her.

mountainofdebt

I'm not being funny here but if she has no family then why on earth won't she spend some money (even if that means selling her house) to make however long she has on this planet more comfortable??

Even if she did then my comments would still stand.

Can you not suggest that she goes into a nursing home until her legs are better? Hopefully that way she will see that she can have some creature comforts and be more willing to go into one permenantly.

Couldn't your OH tell her that as she would have to pay no one would need to pry into her financial affairs and that your OH would keep an eye on things for her so no-one would steal from her?

Person_one

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I'm not being funny here but if she has no family then why on earth won't she spend some money (even if that means selling her house) to make however long she has on this planet more comfortable??

Some people are terrified of going into a home and being entirely dependent on unqualified young carers, lots of whom are absolutely wonderful but some of whom leave an awful lot to be desired.

It would terrify me too!

Tiglath

Exactly - I think she should spend it on herself, but basically she's been waiting to die since her son died a few years ago. As far as I know, anything in her estate is going to an animal charity. She hates the idea of being cared for by non-white people (I did say she was awful).

I like your last paragraph - I'll pass that on to him.

Tiglath

Thanks everyone for your suggestions - at the end of the day it's her decision, and I suspect she'll say No to everything (and that will be her choice). DH is treading warily because he wants to be respectful of her personal boundaries, but she sees him as a kind of surrogate son because her son was his close friend.