confused - looking for relationship advice

miss_independent

an9i77 wrote: »

OP have you heard of the book 'he's just not that in to you?' it's a quite ruthless way of saying that unless a guy really is into you, in which case he'll be showing it and you'll know it , then don't make excuses for him or try and persue it, just move on.
I'm assuming that you are a woman and he is a guy by the way!
That old line 'I don't want a relationship right now'. I heard this all the time when I was dating! Most often, it means they don't want a relationship with you. Its easier for someone to say they don't want a relationship than they don't want a relationship with you. There could be the odd time when someone's getting over an ex and really not ready for a relationship, but I heard it so often that in the end I just mentally added 'with you' to the end whenever I heard it.

That book changed my life. I realised I'd been pursuing men who really "weren't that into me" since I was 12.

VestanPance

Agree with the last couple of posts 'I don't want a relationship right now' is pretty much the male version of 'you're a nice guy but...'. It's an attempt at a gentle let down.

I personally think male or female is someone is interested in someone else they'll show it in their actions. No games, no messing about.

System

miss_independent wrote: »

That book changed my life. I realised I'd been pursuing men who really "weren't that into me" since I was 12.

You dont really need to read a book to tell you he aint making enough effort though do you?

marisco_2

MysteriousStranger wrote: »

Background - met someone on a dating site and started messaging, met up and seemed to hit it off and we went out on a few dates - with regular contact over the phone both text messages and calls during this period.

However over xmas contact with this person seemed to slacken off I put this down to other family commitments due to the time of year

Am i wasting my time hoping that when they decide what they want they will contact me?

In answer to your last question yes I think you would be wasting your time. Why hang around waiting and hoping for someone, who cant even call off seeing you face to face, to get in touch again.

To be completely honest I think it is very telling that over Xmas the contact slackened off. This is a time when most people spend time with their families and loved ones. A time when you want to see the new person you are dating. Unless of course being home with family means a wife and kids

miss_independent

Judi wrote: »

You dont really need to read a book to tell you he aint making enough effort though do you?

Maybe not if you've grown up with a healthy amount of self esteem and people around you who love and appreciate you but if you haven't sometimes you need to see all the signs & signals written down in black & white. Growing up, nobody talked to me about relationships or love or how to protect myself from getting hurt. I didn't realise I was a mug, I just thought I was being a good girlfriend and I had no frame of reference for what a loving relationship in any form was like. Sometimes its easier to play pretend rather than face up to the fact that no one has ever loved you. Maybe it sounds pathetic, and I'm certainly not someone naive who hangs on every line of every schmaltzy self help book there is, but in this case it was an eye opener and it helped me.

Also, I'm still in my twenties now and it's a good few years since I read the book so I was pretty young at the time. It isn't uncommon for girls in their late teens and early twenties to have unhealthy relationships.

Katgrit

Haven't read all this thread, but just replying to your initial post.

I've been in your shoes (and so have a lot of people!) and I've felt the "Whats wrong with me? Why does it always end the same?" and one day something just dawned on me - and its helped me every time I get myself in the hole that you're in right now. Heres what I remind myself:

Say someone is cooking a meal. They might have the finest ingredients, very expensive prime cuts of steak, safron and the finest spices, organic potatoes and veg, prepare by a top chef using the sharpest knives worth hundreds, and cooked at the perfect temp in a top of the range aga, following grandma's well loved recipt that has been handed down through generations. Say someone cooked me that meal. I might just not like it. Its nothing agains the chef, theres nothing wrong with the ingredients and it looks lovely and is cooked to perfection. So many people would appreciate that meal. But me? All those things don't matter, if I don't like it I don't like it. The chef shouldn't go away crying or feel he's done a bad job. Its just me, what I like, and I don't like that particular meal.

Might be a stupid analagy, but its got me through holes at the end of relationships many a time. Doesn't mean I'm not right, that I'm lacking in any way, or poor quality - just that I wasn't what that one person wanted.

Hoep this helps.

MysteriousStranger

Thank you all for your advice i know that i should try and forget about this person, it was not exactly a long term relationship just a few dates, just my luck i suppose that the same thing keeps on happening and i see it as being something wrong with me.

I only say that because of past experience and it is hard to not let it hit my self esteem, i have removed myself from the dating site as don't feel that i am emotionally able to handle any more rejections at the moment so that i can think about what i want and look at the types of people i have been in relationships with.

As for contacting this person i will not initiate anything with them as i fear it will only end up hurting me more if i find out that they are seeing someone else, so brain wins over heart - again thanks to everyone who took the time to reply and for being so kind.