confused - looking for relationship advice

[Deleted User]

The exact same thing happenend to me. The guy was into me in a big way and said so, then out of the blue he said he wasnt ready for any relationship. He ended it after 5weeks, this was 5months ago now. He too had a birthday a week later, i did infact send a Happy Birthday txt to show there was no hard feelings. I never contacted him after this, but hes sent me a few random txts over the past months, asking to meet me for a coffee, the last txt was a week ago. I havnt met him again, but feel at the time he was being honest with me and wasnt ready for a relationship. why he was on a dating site ile never know. He subsequently went back on the dating site a few weeks after he ended it with me. Im not sure whether he had any dates. Im not sure what he wants in contacting me again. If i were you i wouldnt contact him, give him space and see what happens. If he doesnt contact you again then it wasnt meant to be.

Scorpio33

I think if he is saying "I am not ready for a relationship", I would be hearing that he wants no strings sex... a f buddy. ie: he can't see a romantic future with you, but is still hoping for a bit of nookie.

Either way, keep him out of your life permanently.

sportbeth

after several months of kicking around with online dating I seriously wouldnt give this a second thought, I've had one guy who just disappeared out of the blue , 4 weeks into seeing him!

The prevalence of online dating now has given people way too much choice and you'll often find people you dont click with back online a week later searching out other people again. My Motto is "if you want to play games, I'll show you the rules".

There is also an element there of a great number of people who think they want to date but arent quite ready for it yet. Having an app on your phone that enables single people to chat whenever they are bored or sat at home feeling a bit lonely is a great temptation for people to get back into the swing of things but you're not going to know that someone is serious until you both meet the right person at the right time. That's like trying to find a needle in a haystack but there are plenty of genuine people online, you just need to grow some thick skin and get back out there looking for them.

I dated 3 people that really weren't right for me before I found someone I was interested in. it'll come in time!

System

Scorpio33 wrote: »

I think if he is saying "I am not ready for a relationship", I would be hearing that he wants no strings sex... a f buddy. ie: he can't see a romantic future with you, but is still hoping for a bit of nookie.

How utterly selfish if thats the case.:mad:

Scorpio33

Judi wrote: »

How utterly selfish if thats the case.:mad:

Exactly, which is why he will never say "lets just be f. buddies".

Also one to avoid....

Tish_P

I don't think he's asking to be f buddies - or that there would be anything wrong with that, if he was honest about it. He's been very clear in both words and actions (stopping contact) that he's not interested in a relationship with the OP. Which, as much as it hurts, is honest and direct and lets the OP know where she stands and what to do next i.e. move on with her life.

Rejection sucks, we've all been there - but remember, if you never get rejected you aren't aiming high enough.

Teeniepops

If it were me, I'd not get in touch. I say this only as a friend at work is currently using dating sites and this seems to happen a lot. Worse yet, when she stays in touch like this, she's often ignored which upset her. Then, she's had them get in touch months later wanting to meet up. It smacks of 'ha, you're interested therefore you can be there when I have an itch'.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but when someone says 'I'm not ready for a relationship' it generally means 'I don't want a relationship with you'. It upsets you to realise this - been there myself - but in trying to save feelings it can cause more upset.

I'd suggest move on and not waste time - you might miss out on your Mr Right in waiting for a Mr Not-Right to change.

If you text or email you'll feel worse waiting for a reply that may not come. Hope you're ok and find a nice bloke

miss_independent

MysteriousStranger wrote: »

I know that i should be able to get honest answers from the forum even if it is not want i want to hear, sorry it is so long

Background - met someone on a dating site and started messaging, met up and seemed to hit it off and we went out on a few dates - with regular contact over the phone both text messages and calls during this period.

However over xmas contact with this person seemed to slacken off I put this down to other family commitments due to the time of year but did have fears that this person might have lost interest in me and just after the new year i got a text message telling me that they had decided that they are not ready for a relationship at this point and that sentence i did not want to hear that it had nothing to do with me.

Thinking it might have been easier if i was told that they were just not interested in me!

This has hurt me (maybe more than i am willing to admit) as all relationships I've been in have ended in the same way, with me being told that it is not me but issues that they have with not wanting to be in a relationship at that point in time. They do however go on to have relationships with other people and the timescales are not normally more than a few weeks/months

So I'm thinking it must be something about me, anyway i told this person to keep in touch, not sure if they will but my question is would you try to remain in contact with them?

They have a birthday coming up in a few weeks and my heart is telling me to send an email wishing a happy birthday but then my brain tells me not to bother.

Am i wasting my time hoping that when they decide what they want they will contact me?

MysteriousStranger, I don't know if you are a man or a woman or if it's a man or woman you are referring to but I do think age, gender etc could be factors that come into play.

I agree with Seany - maybe you are somehow choosing "emotionally unavailable" people and that is why this isn't the first time you've experienced this kind of rejection...

I also agree with others that I would not waste my time pursuing people who don't seem to want to be with you.

It's really difficult to know why this has happened without knowing you. It could be that "It's not you, it's me" is just a gentle way of letting you go and they find you desperate/clingy/boring or from their side of things they don't feel that there is chemistry OR it could be totally genuine and they have their own issues.

Sometimes you can be 100% that you want a relationship and then Mr Perfect walks into your life and he's absolutely everything you've ever wanted AND he wants to be with you too and all of a sudden you feel.....freaked out and like you want to run a mile! :rotfl: In that case, it isn't Mr Perfect's fault, it's a case of the other person not being able to handle a relationship at that time.

So, it might not be you after all. If I were you though, I'd ask some of your real life friends (preferably of the opposite sex) for some honest feedback, to see if they feel there is anything they feel you could improve on. And PLEASE don't let all of this knock your confidence, because confidence is incredibly attractive in a potential partner!

Learn from your time with this latest person and move on. Try and look at it as though you have been saved from a relationship with this one so that you can be with someone even more special.

an9i77

OP have you heard of the book 'he's just not that in to you?' it's a quite ruthless way of saying that unless a guy really is into you, in which case he'll be showing it and you'll know it , then don't make excuses for him or try and persue it, just move on.
I'm assuming that you are a woman and he is a guy by the way!
That old line 'I don't want a relationship right now'. I heard this all the time when I was dating! Most often, it means they don't want a relationship with you. Its easier for someone to say they don't want a relationship than they don't want a relationship with you. There could be the odd time when someone's getting over an ex and really not ready for a relationship, but I heard it so often that in the end I just mentally added 'with you' to the end whenever I heard it.

System

OP have you heard of the book 'he's just not that in to you?' it's a quite ruthless way of saying that unless a guy really is into you, in which case he'll be showing it and you'll know it.

So very true