confused - looking for relationship advice

MysteriousStranger

I know that i should be able to get honest answers from the forum even if it is not want i want to hear, sorry it is so long

Background - met someone on a dating site and started messaging, met up and seemed to hit it off and we went out on a few dates - with regular contact over the phone both text messages and calls during this period.

However over xmas contact with this person seemed to slacken off I put this down to other family commitments due to the time of year but did have fears that this person might have lost interest in me and just after the new year i got a text message telling me that they had decided that they are not ready for a relationship at this point and that sentence i did not want to hear that it had nothing to do with me.

Thinking it might have been easier if i was told that they were just not interested in me!

This has hurt me (maybe more than i am willing to admit) as all relationships I've been in have ended in the same way, with me being told that it is not me but issues that they have with not wanting to be in a relationship at that point in time. They do however go on to have relationships with other people and the timescales are not normally more than a few weeks/months

So I'm thinking it must be something about me, anyway i told this person to keep in touch, not sure if they will but my question is would you try to remain in contact with them?

They have a birthday coming up in a few weeks and my heart is telling me to send an email wishing a happy birthday but then my brain tells me not to bother.

Am i wasting my time hoping that when they decide what they want they will contact me?

sarymclary

If it were me, I would not bother pursuing someone who has tried to subtly distance themselves from me.

If they have discovered after a few dates and some prolonged contact that they don't feel you are fully compatible, then they have probably done you a favour by letting you off the hook, as opposed to stringing you along until they found someone else, and then dropping you for someone else.... I suspect you would find that far more hurtful.

Put it down to experience. It's hard to judge why this apparent pattern of behaviour may be occurring. It could be a multitude of factors, such as: your age group - they may not feel they want to settle down yet, or want to play the field a while longer, you might be far more interested in settling down into coupledom than they are, they could have just come out of long-term relationship and not want to get involved seriously too quickly.

From my experience, after a long relationship had come to an end, although I was ultimately looking for a new permanent relationship, I was realistic to realise that I may have to meet several different people to ultimately find that person. As it turned out, my online dating wasn't so successful (despite 2 marriage proposals - that scared me off!), and it was when I decided to not be bothered about relationships that I met my now partner in a carpark, of all places! It did mean I had to really think about whether I wanted to be in a relationship again or not, so a rather strange turn of events.

Don't give up on the internet dating though, if you can take the attitude that you hope to meet some new friends, and who knows what might happen. If you want something much more serious, then perhaps target being a member of a more suitable dating/match-making site instead. I did find that women were invariably honest(ish) in what they wanted from their membership, whereas a lot of the men turned out to be looking for 'fun', and some weren't even unattached! It made it harder to find a good 'un.

Seanymph

Rather than being you, could it be that the people you are choosing? Could you be consistently choosing people with the same sort of issues that then come out this way?

Just a thought.

getmore4less

Any common theme like sexual progress, life style, income mismatch, meeting family, distance...

go_cat

Don't be second best, this person is clearly trying to let you down gently

Don't make any contact leave it be, if he chases you then that's all good.

Keep yourself busy! Widen your circle of friends so you don't have time to think about them

Also don't assume that every relationship will end this way, ....do you come across as quite needy? Do you contact them constantly etc or are you quite laid back

Joons

No don't! With the occurrence of dating website, men have never had it so easy - and yes, to cheat on several women at the same time, my guess is he's probably been seeing someone else which has kept him busy over the festivities, who knows, maybe not.....whatever it is, forget it, it was a few dates, no biggie, if this person had even the slightest interest, you wouldn't have got a text message like that, sorry - just don't think you should waste any more time on it and move on, good luck, you'll come good in the end.

HeadAboveWater

sarymclary wrote: »

If it were me, I would not bother pursuing someone who has tried to subtly distance themselves from me.

Agreed. There could be any number of reasons why they've decided not to pursue a relationship with you. You do not have to be one of the reasons.

As it turned out, my online dating wasn't so successful (despite 2 marriage proposals - that scared me off!), and it was when I decided to not be bothered about relationships that I met my now partner in a carpark, of all places!

Marriage proposals?? Be thankful that was all you got - my 'offers' were a tad more risqu!... :eek:

Decided that after several unsuccessful attempts at online dating, I was giving up on men completely and utterly. That was it. No more men. Serious, casual or otherwise.

...Then I met my OH. He's the brother of my SIL!! Who'd have thought it?!?

Don't take dating too seriously. Have some fun and get to know different people. But still have your own life, your own friends, and don't sit about waiting for that call or text which isn't coming.

Life is for living so enjoy yourself!!!

mouseymousey99

As others have said, I'd leave it too. I know you aren't, but the other person may think it makes you a bit 'clingy'? Go out have some fun, get your hair done, buy an outfit, be nice to yourself. You'll prob meet the right person in the last place you think of looking. Having said that, I met 'Mr right' online, we are still muddling along 13 years later. Good luck

System

If it were me, I would not bother pursuing someone who has tried to subtly distance themselves from me.

Don't be second best, this person is clearly trying to let you down gently

Don't make any contact leave it be, if he chases you then that's all good.

That way at least you have kept the lines of communication open and you get to keep your dignity intact.

Nothing is worse than the foul stench of desperation.

podperson

I think perhaps you are taking this a little too personally. You had a few dates with this person so it's not like it was too serious and now they have realised that it's not going to work long term. Maybe they don't feel ready for a relationship, maybe they just don't feel that you two 'fit' - there could be a million reasons but since you got on well then it's highly doubtful it's anything that you 'did wrong' or that's personally about you. Surely it's much better that they realise this now rather then stringing you along - you can now move on and find someone better.

Regarding the contact, personally I would leave it. If you still have feelings for them then it's only going to confuse the issue and make it harder for you to move on with your life.

System