mother getting too involved yet again

raq

Hi all

Try and make it brief

I am one of three children and my mum and dad have always been close to me. Never got involved in my brothers lives ( loves them to bits nevertheless ).

Anyway on thursday we had to make a decision within my own family, hubby and kids and I feel much better about it. Feel more relaxed, feel my home is my own and so forth.

Mother got to hear about it and now blaming my husband and saying I should have told her. BASICALLY GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH HER. She has rang my aunty, and brothers and trying to twist things. Blaming my husband for it all. When It was actually MY decision to do what I had to do. I was gutted yesterday when I heard this. Both my sister in laws and aunties said I done the best thing and to ignore my mother has she and father got problems in their lives but just want face up to it. Basically lets pick on mine as its easier.

make matters worse I got to walk past the house everyday to take the kids to school. Blinds where closed to do so I thought, how childish. This is a grown person. Apparantely my dad haven,t got involved, its just my mother.

I thought I was calm last week and getting better with myself but all this now I feel like telling them where to all stick it.

WHY Me?? Why does she do it. Is it because I have always let her. ?? Oh and to top it up when my youngest brother went on a bender for a few hours and managed to start a row over the christmas day/night, she never got involved. Said let them all get on with it. So why can,t she do that with me??

londonsurrey

It sounds like the rest of your family have the measure of your mother, and have given you good advice, i.e. ignore her.

The woman is drama llamaing and trying to meddle. Both these things require an audience. If no one reacts, all that annoying activity from her doesn't get fed. It's a bit like dealing with a troll - it wants a break from its own messy life, so pokes at other things instead - just ignore it, and all it can do is have repeated tantrums without the gratification of feedback.

Your brothers probably are favoured, but they probably also do the male thing of not trying to persuade her that she's wrong - they just leave her to it, so it's not so satisfying to poke at them.

raq

thanks londonsurrey

We all get on but I always think my brothers have always got away with major things in their lives and when I do something , omg it is war.

It,s really difficult as we spend a lot of time together and am sure she is hurting but again it is her own fault and shouldn,t poke her noise in. Its our home and our lives as my hubby states.

Its my 3 little ones that will feel it as I know she will keep away cause of this now.

go_cat

You maybe need to take your families advice and ignore her. She is obviously looking for a reaction on account of how many people she is trying to get involved.

As with a child ignore bad behaviour, reward good

londonsurrey

raq wrote: »

It,s really difficult as we spend a lot of time together and am sure she is hurting but again it is her own fault and shouldn,t poke her noise in. Its our home and our lives as my hubby states.

Its my 3 little ones that will feel it as I know she will keep away cause of this now.

Well, it's good that she's solved the problem of you having to put her in "time out", as she actually removes herself for that!

Just don't make the mistake of playing into her hands, and running after her. And get a proper apology before she's allowed out of time out.

Errata

Is it because you've always let her? Yes it is, you've changed the rules and haven't told her.

Counting_Pennies_2

It sounds like you might be a little too much in one anothers pockets.

I had to move towns because my parents were too suffocating. Poking their noses in where it was not needed.

Even now my mother manages to worm her opinions into my life.

You need to look at what value she adds to your life. Does she add to your wellbeing, the childrens lives, do you all get along. If so then you clearly want to stay in one anothers lives. Perhaps you need to set some boundaries. If you are to get more of your privacy in your life and make the choices in your life without her stropping, you need to look at what maybe you rely on her to do for you, having the children, looking after you in other ways and reduce that reliance.

If she does not add any value to your life and you want to to break free then start giving longer gaps in meeting up, but I think from what you say you are all close. Perhaps just a little too close.

sassyblue

raq wrote: »

WHY Me?? Why does she do it. Is it because I have always let her. ?? Oh and to top it up when my youngest brother went on a bender for a few hours and managed to start a row over the christmas day/night, she never got involved. Said let them all get on with it. So why can,t she do that with me??

Maybe because you see her more than they do so she's more involved with your life?

In any case, ignore, ignore, IGNORE. She'll get over her tantrum.

balletshoes

raq wrote: »

thanks londonsurrey

We all get on but I always think my brothers have always got away with major things in their lives and when I do something , omg it is war.

It,s really difficult as we spend a lot of time together and am sure she is hurting but again it is her own fault and shouldn,t poke her noise in. Its our home and our lives as my hubby states.

Its my 3 little ones that will feel it as I know she will keep away cause of this now.

will she huff/ignore you for weeks, months, or just days if you don't poke her with a stick? Its been years now since my Mum did something similar, in fact it was when I decided to move out and into my own place, so it was a couple of decades ago! However, she went in the huff with me and actually refused to speak to me. But she came out of her huff after about 3 days, and it was like nothing had happened.

I would let her come round in her own time - do you think she will (ie has she done it before?).

Oh, and to be honest, I think its fairly natural on first hearing bad/shocking/disappointing news for a Mum to blame her child's partner and assume it must be them, making the decisions in the background etc. If you've already made it clear to her that it was your decision, not your husband's, then I don't think theres any point revisiting that.

raq

thanks , you are bloody correct

raq

we are very much in each others pockets. I mean everything. Think this is where the problem lies. My dad does nothing, I have for the past 12 years always taken them shopping. They have got no car ( dad won,t buy one cause he,s mean and plus he got me to do it ).

Adores our 3 little one,s. She doesn,t like my hubby, even after 16 years. Nothing has ever happened there, but like my aunty have always said, if you married prince william it would still be wrong.

My hubbys parents live about 20 minutes away and hardly ever see them but if we need anything there with us in a flash. It is so nice too.

My sister in law says, my mother is just jealous and cannot get out of it.