Frustrated parent

james67

I am sitting here feeling really disapointed in myself.

Just ruined a great weekend by loosing my temper with my dd aged 12. We attended her parents night this week and consistently heard from every teacher that whilst she was doing ok she could do better. A similar story which we have heard year after year. She ended up not getting into the school she wanted because her marks from primary school were not good enough (we still have a transfer system in n ireland). She did get into her second school and was in the 2nd of 5 streamed class but is now in danger of slipping down.

We had a chat on tuesday night about the need for her to dedicate herself to her homework. She always looks to get homework done as quick as she can to watch tv or go on ipad or whatever. I hoped we had an understanding.

Anyway tonight we came home from the cinema at 7pm (sunday), my daughter had a friend stay over for a sleepover last night getting to sleep at 4am having lazed around most of Saturday and friday evening. Anyway 7pm tonight she asks for help with her maths and spanish homework!!

To say I couldn't believe it was an understatement. This then resulted in a stressed scenario in which i was angry at the timing and trying to squeeze this into a busy sunday evening, bathing other kids etc and lost my temper raising my voice and shariing my disapointment with my daughter.

Here i am now at 9.15 feeling guilty for shouting, my daughter went to bed apologising for ruining my sunday evening. I didnt say that but in reality this has. I worry that my wife and i have spoilt our daughter. She is mannered and polite and i am proud of her but at the same time she wants for nothing and spends too much time on her ipad and watching tv and homework has been an after thought. I feel like such a failure for shouting and for having allowed such bad habits to go for so long.

Am i alone, do others have similar challenges with their children or frustrations about how they manage it?

Sorry for the rant.

January20

I think being a parent is guilt most of the time lol! You are a human being, not perfect and nobody expects you to be so don't worry too much about it.

It could be that although you had a chat about homework she is having problems managing her time. I think you have to take control for a while ie perhaps ensure than homework is done before friends are allowed to come for sleepovers, cinema dates are arranged and the ipad could be removed and only allowed for a certain amount of time.

I think it's good she came to you for help with homework and again perhaps you could take control of that by asking to see her homework planner, the tasks when they have been done, etc. Do the school say how long should be spent on homework for each subject?

A bit of work for you but perhaps she just needs to be guided into a routine?

At least she was trying to do her homework...

balletshoes

Apologise to your daughter for being frazzled/short-tempered this evening. Then, when both of you are calm, and if you feel you need to, sit down with her and talk over the homework issue again.

Mine is the same by the way as far as doing stuff at the last minute is concerned - and she has the typical tween's selective hearing as well. Talking at her when she's clearly not listening is just frustrating for me, its in one ear and out the other for her.

eta - I do ask my daughter every day after school if she's got homework, what it is, and when its got to be back in. Asking the question focuses her, at least a little, to realise she has the work to do.

kingfisherblue

I have to sign my son's homework planner at the end of each week, so it is easy to keep up to date with what he has had to do in the previous days. That can be too late, though, so I ask daily what homework he has. I allow a snack when he gets in, but then ask for any homework to be done before any evening clubs start. Some homework will obviously take a bit longer, so some each day until complete is fine with me.

So, boring though it is, asking what homework she has each day and getting her to do it before going out, TV or Ipad, is probably a reasonable way forward. If she has a lot, maybe allow a half hour break between two longer sessions.

And don't feel guilty for shouting - we all do it. It sounds as though your daughter may have learned something from your reaction as well, as she realises that she has certainly put a dampener on your evening. Maybe it will encourage her to ask for help at a less hectic time in the future.

michelle2008

I was just about to ask if you look at her homework diary! I know by her agr most schools expects pupils to manage it themselves - but she is still young and just might needs little help.

You sound like a great parent, I don think she will suffer from being snapped at. I remember bing exactly like her and scribbling away at my homework at 9pmon a sunday night! I sort of grew out of it - but still frequently pulled all nighters at uni after leaving things o the last minute!

sulkisu

As you are both probably feeling pretty rotten at the moment, I would nip upstairs (right now), apologise for shouting and tell her that you will discuss this calmly tomorrow. You will feel better if you do .

james67

thanks everyone, i did go up and we had a hug and i apologised and said I would help her to manage her time better and reassured her that i had a great weekend with her.

i still feel guilty for yelling. I do that more than I should. I know deep down that all 3 children experience a loving and caring environment for 99% of the time but i do hate myself for loosing my temper like that.

thanks for all the words of support.

Mojisola

james67 wrote: »

thanks everyone, i did go up and we had a hug and i apologised and said I would help her to manage her time better and reassured her that i had a great weekend with her.

And did you get an apology from her for not starting her homework before 7pm on Sunday night?

james67

yes she apologised and was sorry.

I think we both feel guilty. Dount Ill sleep well tonight. Knowing the kids she will wake tomorrow like nothing happened

Mojisola

I wouldn't worry about it. If you've been too easy on her in the past, this may have been the wake-up she needs to make her realise that she has to change her ways.

Sambucus_Nigra

Mojisola wrote: »

And did you get an apology from her for not starting her homework before 7pm on Sunday night?

I used to do the same. I work to deadlines you see. Still managed to get all sorts of quals, degree, post grad diplomas, been management, director etc etc.

OP a lot of inter family issues can be resolved with a simple white board, days of the week down one side and ask her each night what homework she has and when it's due, write it on and don't rub it off til it's done. You can also use it for menu planning