Gambling

LTP123

Hi everyone,

As short as possible, together 10 years, married 3 years. 1 child, 1 on the way.

Husband only one working for last 12 months. We have enough coming in but not for holidays or clothing or anything. Very basic. He moans if we need anything for DD, socks, shoes, toys. If its eating out he will spend that. Quite a naturally selfish person which we have discussed before, he doesn't recognise his behaviour.

Not the easiest marriage over the years. Every penny we spend is scrutunised. I have found out this week, he has been gambling online since October and spent £450 we desperately needed for other things.

Where do I go from here? Don't know if I have the energy to help when he so clearly thinks very little of my daughter and I to start this in the first place. I bend over backwards for him too, no-one will love him like I have/do for so little in return.

Sorry for long post.

fluffnutter

Putting aside the issue of the gambling for a moment, you seem very unhappy and put upon generally. You say you 'bend over backwards' for him and that he's 'selfish'. The first question that springs to my mind is why you invest so much in a relationship that's not very healthy for you. To my mind there's a far bigger issue than the gambling, as distressing as that is.

If you want to tackle the gambling you need to do the usual - limit the opportunity, i.e. take control of the household funds, perhaps even limit internet access; encourage him to seek help etc. Like all negative behaviours/addictions it won't make any difference unless he actually wants to stop.

TBH, it sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back. I'd be looking at the wider relationship rather than just the gambling and asking myself what changes were needed to be happy. With a little one and another baby on the way it would be a terrible shame and hardship to think about splitting up, but I think it's something you need to explore, quite honestly.

I'd advise what I always do in situations like this - counselling.

LTP123

Thanks. He comes from a selfish upbringing and I always make allowances for that but its starting to wear thin. He will never leave us, he wants me to say go. That's because he will make himself look hard done by. He constantly tells me he hates his life.

dundeediva

hmm. You don't sound like a very happy person to say the least. To be frank it sounds like he has been able to treat you like this for so long that he thinks this is "normal" behaviour. Ask yourself this- can you/do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Can you see yourself living with and loving him for the rest of your lives? If you can then fair enough, but i would be having a serious chat with essentially an ultimatum of "you change or you go" kind of thing.

Re. Gambling. I don't think gambling is an issue per-se BUT if he is moaning about spending money on your DD (btw is it his dd too or your from another relationship?) but he is happily throwing it away gambling then that's a MAJOR issue for me.

I tend to find that people write on forums for advice when they either have nowhere else to turn or are at the end of their tether. Please remember you deserve to be happy, for your sake and for DD and your unborn child. x

LTP123

No his child. Example: he moaned the other day that DD needed shoes so the cheapest I could get for her (her feet are very narrow) were trainers he moaned they were £15 but samed day had spent £40 online betting.

This my only relationship. We've been together since 18. He has turned out like his mother. She dislikes me because out of his whole family, he is the only one with his own home, married and working. They don't like people to better themselves.

I am not the easiest person, I constantly need to explain things to him why he should care about certain things like the welfare of his family coming first but it goes in one ear and out the other. I keep thinking it will click one day.

HappyMJ

LTP123 wrote: »

No his child. Example: he moaned the other day that DD needed shoes so the cheapest I could get for her (her feet are very narrow) were trainers he moaned they were £15 but samed day had spent £40 online betting.

This my only relationship. We've been together since 18. He has turned out like his mother. She dislikes me because out of his whole family, he is the only one with his own home, married and working. They don't like people to better themselves.

I am not the easiest person, I constantly need to explain things to him why he should care about certain things like the welfare of his family coming first but it goes in one ear and out the other. I keep thinking it will click one day.

Do you have your own money?

It won't click...people addicted to low level gambling will always do it. It's very hard to wean someone off it. Is the computer yours? Install RGManager. http://www.rgmanager.com/ Don't tell him the password. It'll block all gambling websites from use by others.

LTP123

I have taken his smartphone and bank cards like a little boy. He will have to have a regular phone. The moaning about money is relentless thats why its so infuriating. What an idiot, he just doesn't care.

HappyMJ

LTP123 wrote: »

I have taken his smartphone and bank cards like a little boy. He will have to have a regular phone. The moaning about money is relentless thats why its so infuriating. What an idiot, he just doesn't care.

Playing devils's advocate here which you may not like....Just how much money is spare in your budget each month for non essential spending. If he has been able to spend £450 over 3 months it shows to me that there is spare money available.

Create a SOA using http://www.stoozing.com/msoc/soacalc.php

Post it here if you want our opinion and when it's all refined print it out and show it to him. If it shows a surplus then say right that's the surplus let's split that 3 ways. One part for you to spend on anything you want, one part for me and one part for our child.

Make sure on payday every single essential bill is paid even if it's before due dates and overpay a little on credit cards if you have them....i.e rather than paying 3% always pay at least 10%.

It's a bit hard to know without seeing your budget if there is enough spare money or not. Yes he is complaining about spending money on shoes for a kid...I would too...they hardly last 6 months and the kid grows out of them....waste of money. But that's my upbringing and opinion.

Now...hoilday budget...everyone deserves a holiday budget including those who are bankrupt they at least get £20 per person per month. So you take control of that and go and book one and pay £60 a month towards it. Might be quite a few months before you go but at least you'll have a holiday. Even if it's just a cheap week away in the UK.

fluffnutter

LTP123 wrote: »

Thanks. He comes from a selfish upbringing and I always make allowances for that but its starting to wear thin. He will never leave us, he wants me to say go. That's because he will make himself look hard done by. He constantly tells me he hates his life.

He sounds rather depressed. Would he consider seeing someone? His GP? A counsellor? Unhappy people make for unhappy relationships. Until he sorts himself out, I don't think he's going to make you and your children's life very happy.

Sambucus_Nigra

LTP123 wrote: »

No his child. Example: he moaned the other day that DD needed shoes so the cheapest I could get for her (her feet are very narrow) were trainers he moaned they were £15 but samed day had spent £40 online betting.

This my only relationship. We've been together since 18. He has turned out like his mother. She dislikes me because out of his whole family, he is the only one with his own home, married and working. They don't like people to better themselves.

I am not the easiest person, I constantly need to explain things to him why he should care about certain things like the welfare of his family coming first but it goes in one ear and out the other. I keep thinking it will click one day.

Well, if that's the situation [in bold] with everything I'm not sure I could cope. I don't think it will click one day. Do you really want to spend another 20 years hoping it does?

LTP123

But I'm already ten years, 2 kids in. That's a big investment! I hear what your saying though. No need for an I & E I know that there is probably one hundred pounds surplas a month but life never works like that. We have had charges the last few weeks due to him gambling what little was there.

Not to mention the one month arrears I thought we were eager to pay off..