Now what? Family trouble threatening me and my son!

wiggywoo9

I have a very confusing family situation- I live at home with two sisters and mother. I moved back at 7 months pregnant where a bad relationship unexpectedly ended. My son's 19months now and I'm at uni commuting, we share a large room and pay rent too.

My sister (17) just had her own baby, which was unplanned. My mother, who can be very manipulative and has anti-dad issues, has placed pressure on her relationship with the baby's dad (lets call him Bob). He's fantastic guy and has actually got involved, loves the baby and we all like him around. He's also my son's only role model 'uncle'.

Now, they decided to not put him on the birth certificate. I argued, saying he had a right to be on it and had pulled his weight, and was now invested in their relationship and baby. They ignored me. I texted Bob saying he had to talk to her, his only other option was court. He agreed and I said he had to show her he had plans for their future and could do it for the baby (get job, etc).

Now, after the birth cert. day, he didn't say anything. Then I found they were giving him parental responsibility later IF he got a job, etc. Which I think is fine! Somehow, the texts came out and now I'm threatened with homelessness, being a 'betrayer' and a general b**ch by mother. Sister slapped me and I've been ignored for the past 3 days.

What to do now? I don't deserve this at all, I just wanted to help Bob (he's not the brightest tool in the box) and my sister's relationship. Maybe it wasn't my business. But one word every day to threaten throwing us (me and son) out leaves me not knowing whats happening, WHY evereyone's so angry and unsure what the hell to do!

I haven't held my son 'hostage' (no hugs/kisses/contact at all)but they have with the baby. I resent it and I have a history with suicide and severe PND. I'm getting near to that stage again and I don't think I've done anything to deserve it, other than mediate, to prompt talking!

Please PLEASE help!

gizmo111

Get your own place and avoid them.

wiggywoo9

I'm asking for help, not snide comments, keep it to yourself

krlyr

Maybe there is more to Bob than you know about (for example, and not saying this is the case but just a possibility, maybe your mum knows of an incident in the past that puts a mark on Bob's glowing halo - you only see what people want you to see and you may not know Bob as well as you think) or maybe not, but you interfered and went directly against your mum's views, so that is why she is upset. Your parents aren't obliged to put you up and you've upset them a lot. You can either apologise (you don't seem to feel like you've done wrong, so maybe you haven't said sorry) and hope they change their mind, or stick to your guns and realise they have the right to kick you out if you want. You might find the council will provide housing if you can show you've been made homeless - would your parents write a letter to state they are no longer able/willing to house you?

DUTR

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I'm asking for help, not snide comments, keep it to yourself

It's not a snide remark, as Gizmo points out, get out of it, the family is dysfunctional and the pattern will remain whilst you are in it, graduate and pave a positve path for you and your young one, that should be obvious. I too am from The West Midlands, so am only to aware of the snide remarks people can get especially single mums and dysfunctional families. People can tell you what you want to hear or tell you what you need to know, the final descision will always be yours.

tea_lover

Is it feasible for you to get your own place? They sound very immature tbh.

wiggywoo9

Well, I commute coventry to northampton for uni so I don't know if I can afford a place. My mother is stuck in the cycle of having just enough to live on but once child-related benefits disappear so does the house etc. I was told it's better to get a mortagage and not get into the cycle as theres no money left to save for it in council housing. Once on mortgage, you can keep it up til you actually own it? I've got a bond with 3,000 in for the mortgage, but then I'd have to save more (and how long for that?) plus have a job for 6+ months
as I understand?

krlyr

You would need a lot more than £3000 for a deposit on a house nowadays. Most of that would be eaten up with your solicitor's fees alone, and the days of 100% mortgages are long gone. You'd be lucky to get 95% or 90% and to get it on a single wage would be difficult too. I have a friend near Nottingham who bought a place for herself the other year, she put about a £16000 deposit on a £63000 house in order to be able to afford the mortgage and bills by herself - and she was lucky to get a bargain and a good mortgage deal and be on a semi-decent wage. It's not simple to get a house in today's climate.
Also, a mortgage can cost you less than rent if you're lucky but often it's about even, or sometimes more if you don't have a great mortgage deal (e.g. only have a small deposit so can't take advantage of better offers). Plus you then have to take on all the maintenance costs of a house - boiler goes, you have to replace it. Driveway is damaged, you have to fix it.

http://www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx
See what you're entitled to. A council house doesn't have to be a longterm solution but it's probably going to be the best option you have if your parents really do want to make you homeless.
Otherwise look into what benefits you may be able to get in a houseshare/lodger situation - that may lower your costs and allow for some savings.
Check out the house buying/renting section of MSE if you're serious about it, and there's sections for benefits etc. too I'm sure.
You're fortune enough to be in a country with a benefits system to help people like you, so look into what help is available.

podperson

They do sound rather immature but at the same time it wasn't your place to interfere with other people's relationships. Your mother doesn't have to put you up, she's doing you a favour, so you should respect her views and wishes while you are living with her. Does she also watch your child while you're at uni?

I would say your options are either to apologise to them and stay out of their relationships, or look for your own place. You say you're waiting to get a mortgage but you're also at uni? Are you waiting until you graduate and find as a job - as this seems to imply that you'll be with your mum a while then. If this isn't acceptable then you may need to look at renting for a bit.

wiggywoo9

Thanks, and no, I have a nursery for my son.

balletshoes

theres nothing wrong with renting, and this sounds like a pretty dysfunctional situation you're in right now, so in your shoes I'd be looking at moving out and into my own place.

You shouldn't have got involved with the Bob and parental responsibility situation, certainly not without telling your sister thats what you were doing. Of course that was going to come back and bite you on the bum, I can't imagine why you thought that wouldn't come out.

I realise you don't think you did anything wrong - but you went behind your sister's back from the sounds of things, and for that you should apologise to her.