Journey to the Emerald City...

abundant1972

Meeting the Wizard was like having the carpet pulled out from under me... What should have been a time for celebration - and freedom from my old life, turned out to be something quite different.

I moved in with my friend. I should say our 'friendship' had been somewhat strange... first friends with benefits... then boyfriends... then just friends... although we texted every day, and would cuddle up and watch movies - even though we no longer had a sexual relationship... We moved in together as mates... but a week after signing our contracts, he told me he had met someone. 2 weeks later he was in a relationship on Facebook - and I was devastated.

I am a commitment phobe... I've had a few bad relationships and never believed I deserved to be loved... My Tin Man syndrome I guess. Looking back - maybe on some level - this was me trying to move forward to a new level of commitment - but without knowingly doing so. To admit I was getting into a relationship would have been too scary to face. Anyway... things went from bad to worse. Trying to be adult, I realised I needed to move forward and just meet his boyfriend and get it out the way. He invited him around, and my first introduction to him was having to listen to them having sex. My World fell apart and our friendship - or whatever it had been, disintegrated...

In the space of a month, I'd gone from feeling well, empowered, optomistic that a new life was just around the corner - to being depressed, back on medication, back in debt (having loaned some money off my parents for the deposit and having used my credit card to buy some basic furniture) and despairing.

When Dorothy met the Wizard and realised her way home would come at a price, she too was deflated. Just when she thought her ordeals were over - she faced her greatest challenge yet. The Wizard after making them all feel inadequate and incapable - charged her with retrieving the broom of the Wicked Witch of the West, as proof she had been destroyed - a task that seemed unsurmountable.

If I wanted my new life - I now needed to prove to myself that I was prepared to battle my darkest demons and once and for all vanquish those things that had stopped me all my life from feeling worthy of love and abundance. On some level - I know I am on the verge of a breakthrough - I can be debt free - and I realise that I do want love... However - it seems before I break through, I must break down...

abundant1972

On the way to the Witch's castle, Dorothy and her companions had to pass through the Haunted Forest. My life right now feels dark, and bleak and I am full of fear. I am haunted by regrets, and thoughts of despair, and feelings of failure.

At this point - Dorothy and Toto were snatched by the Wicked Witch's winged monkeys, and carried off to the castle and imprisoned. Suddenly she is seemingly without her friends. There is no plan (Scarecrow) or hope of a better life (Tin Man) and her courage has left her (Lion).

Whilst I have stood firm and negotiated a way forward - my flat mate has moved out and I am holding him to his contract to pay his share of the rent - I am now paying for all the bills. I can meet the payments, but am not saving anything, as for the next few months I will be repaying my parents' loan, and clearing my credit card again. I feel like I am all alone in a prison. Whilst my room is furnished partly - the lounge is empty, my friends room is now empty - and I'm faced with moving out again at the end of May to find somewhere new, and there's always the chance my flatmate will not pay his share meaning I'll have to pay the shortfall too, or think about taking legal action. It all feels a bit hopeless... bleak... The hourgalss has been upturned, and it feels like time is running out. Whatever happened to that dream of finding my way back to a life where I was happy, and full of life and laughter and in love, feeling abundant and full of joy?

I may be a prisoner of my own insecurities and demons... but they haven't been able to take away everything. Just as the Witch failed to remove Dorothy's ruby slippers - so somewhere deep inside - I have a sparkle - that though all seems black - my true power cannot be taken. It was at this point Toto escaped the castle, and was able to bring Dorothy's friends back to save her.

I think I said Toto, for me, represented my spirituality - and it's true that during all of this turmoil - I have asked the Universe and Spirit for answers and a way forward when I could see none. Maybe - just maybe - like Toto - that prayer has been heard - and my friends - rational thinking, hope and courage and returning to help me. Certainly - finding my way back to this blog - feeling ready to write and continue my story - feels like the first positive thing I have done in months...

So I've escaped my prison - but am surrounded by guards and finally come face to face with the Wicked Witch of the West... Threatening to harm her friends - setting the Scarecrow on fire - Dorothy throws a bucket of water over him to dowse the flames - melting the Witch in the proccess...

In facing my fears, and reuiniting the parts of myself I have discovered so far, I realise that it has only been me keeping myself prisoner... There is a way forward, and hope - and tonight I feel like I have found the courage to face the future and grab that new life with both hands!!!

The Wicked Witch is dead... so it's back to see the Wizard... again...

abundant1972

Well it's been an age since I wrote anything on my blog... and my story was left unfinished...

I was living in a flat - my flatmate and I fell out bigtime and he moved out leaving me in an uncertain position finacially and in the depths of depression. My fears were overwhelming and yet I faced them... In my analogy - this was me at my lowest - held captive by the Wicked Witch. With the help of my friends the Scarecrow (rational thinking), Tin Man (emotional strength), the Lion (my courage) and Toto (for me - my spirituality) - I overcame my fears and destroyed her...

And so my jouney was nearly over. Just one more trip down the yellow brick road to meet the Wizard and find my way home... The end of my tennancy... leaving behind a failed relationship, and finding my way back to a debt-free way of living and a new start... This was my hope.

Upon reaching the Emerald City it was revealed that the Wizard was a fraud - not an All-Powerful being but just a man. A man from Kansas who also was carried to Oz a long time ago. He was able to reward Dorothy's friends and give them what they most desired. The Scarecrow a diploma, The Tin Man a heart that ticked, and the Lion, a medal for bravery. However - his plan to help Dorothy home failed and he flew off in his hot air baloon leaving her stranded in Oz.

To have come so far and still feel like you have failed is something I could relate to. I'd worked hard - faced my debts, my bad spending habits, gambling, depression... I'd moved into my 'dream' home with a guy I discovered I loved only to have him cheat and betray my trust, and leave me stranded. The story didn't end there... He did pay me his share of the rent... and I decided I needed to leave the flat - I couldn't afford to carry on living there alone. So where to now...? Where was home? How could I get there...I felt angry... that surely the Universe owed me a break. I had worked damn hard to get myself debt free and I'd finally realised I was in love only to have it all snached away at the last minute.

The Wizard for me represented the part of me that thought it knew best and had the answers. The part of me that was sure this was the way forward. Just when it seemed I was to get the answer to my dreams - it was taken away... and I was left seemingly stranded. What I thought was good and right for me - wasn't. I didn't have all the answers... but this is when fate intervened...

Glinda arrived in the shape of a new friend - a gay guy (there's a fairy joke in there somewhere, which I see the funny side of, also being a gay dude haha).. He appeared out the blue - offering a way forward. In less time than it takes to click my heels three times and say 'there's no place like home'... I was whisked away, and landed in a place that has been home now for nearly 2 years. I had company, found myself with people that cared, I had an adopted cat, and a beautiful house with my own bathroom, and study... and my finances quickly returned to a healthy positive place.

The End...? Was this my Happy Ever After...? Not quite...