Journey to the Emerald City...

EverTheOptimist

Hey abundant.

I did pop over yesterday, but really couldn't add to anything that had already been said, or say it any better than had been said.

But i wanted to pop back and wish you good luck with your journey and to offer any support i can and subscribe.

Stick with the weekly challenge, and we'll all be supporting you over there too.

Just think of yourself as the 'Lion' who has found the courage to stand up and put yourself out there, to deal with the difficulties you face.

And we'll all be Dorothy, the scarecrow and the tinman (and toto) supporting you on your journey until you can find your way back to yourself. and i am sure there will be the odd witch, sorry glitch, on the way, but you will overcome it.

Good Luck.
xxxxx

abundant1972

Hi again everyone...

It came to me the other day... somewhere reading, that love and money are closely connected... or to be precise - one's attitude towards love and money. So - with that in mind I decided to explore them both...

For a long time - I have experienced a lack of both money and a relationship... I've been in debt since I was about 23 (it has grown progressively larger until my light bulb moment back a few year back). Don't get me wrong - I've dated, had partners - but none that ever lasted much... If I'm 100% honest with myself - I stopped believing in love...

Growing up - love and relationships were portrayed as boy meets girl and fall in love, and after a few ups and downs live happily ever after... So what happens when you realise you're a guy that likes other guys? That template didn't fit at all. The chance meetings portrayed in films never came... the teenage romances and double dates never materialised... I felt for a very long time that I must be the only one! From an early age - I was bullied, called all number of names... even my own family openly scathed gay people when they were on TV... I don't think they knew I was gay - but I remember thinking and believing that if they knew I was - they would surely feel the same about me. I lived in fear of ever 'admitting' I was gay in case I lost my home...

I believe many of the patterns we develop about ourselves form a kind of blueprint for life. As an adult I've come to learn that mine contains elements of self loathing, feelings of worthlessness and lots of regret over missed opportunities. I've done a lot of work on myself to get to the point where I can recognise these patterns for what they are - but changing them, and living a different way is a constant struggle - and breaking free of my old conditioning brought up periods of deep depression, whose demons still occasionally rise up to do battle.

When I came out and moved away to University - my life changed - definitely for the better - but my recklessness with spending started. It was like I was trying to fill a hole inside with money - yet I realise now that it was like pouring water into a bucket with a hole in. Until I learned to love myself - no amount of money - or anything else for that matter - would fill my soul.

When I think of love... of having a boyfriend... of living with someone... I can't imagine it. I have set up so many 'criteria' that a partner must meet - that it makes it almost impossible to ever meet anyone. There is a part of me that is cynical about the whole thing - that it must be a lie perpetuated by the media to sell films and books... and yet I know that not to be true because I have been in love - even if my inability to accept it jeopardized it... Where is all this leading?

I have believed love is unobtainable for me
I have believed happy relationships happen to other people
I have believed I do not deserve to be loved
I have believed I will always be alone

If I follow this through for money...

I have believed financial happiness is unobtainable for me
I have believed financial happiness happens to other people
I have believed I do not deserve financial happiness
I have believed I will always be financially unhappy

That certainly explains why I am in debt... Now of course - not everyone who is in debt is gay or was bullied - but I wonder if many of you can identify with a love-money connection? Just wondering...

So - where does this fit in with my story... Well - when Dorothy met the tin man - he wished to experience all the things people did in love... He longed for romance and to feel... to have a heart. As I am at the moment - I feel like the Tin Man. In many ways strong - but also hollow inside. Somewhere in the far reaches of my mind - behind the facade of 'not needing anyone' and 'being better off on my own' is a young teenager who still dreams of meeting Mr Right and living happily ever after... I've just got to find a way to reach him and rekindle those dreams...

It is my belief - that the more I learn to value myself - the more likely I am to start attracting love into my life, and the more likely I am to build a happy financial future. I went through a few years of counselling on and off which has helped enormously - so that I am fully aware of my conditioning - it's just very hard to go against what you intrinsically believe to be true... But I've made progress - and I want to keep that up. Being on anti-depressants at the moment doesn't help - in so much as they blunt my emotions - but hopefully I will be off those soon - as they were just to help me through several difficult life events that triggered an episode.

My finances have improved - and I've stopped hemorrhaging money - and my debts are slowly diminishing. That's a good sign... a sign I'm on track. Every now and then I slip - I had a low ebb emotionally just last week and I blew money on gambling, undoing some of the good work I'd done - leaving me feeling bad about myself - reinforcing the old patterns. Recognising that connection is valuable indeed... I just need to learn to catch my mood and feelings - and set an alarm ringing - or get something in place to stop the spending to try and lift my mood. Perhaps post-its with affirmations on? All suggestions most welcome!!! Anyway - if my financial attitude is changing - hopefully there will be a shift in my attitude to love also...

I *am* full of love and am financially abundant
I *am* a magnet for love and prosperity
I *am* beautiful in every way - fully deserving of a fulfilling relationship and financial happiness
I *am* enjoying a new way of living - my life is full of love, good health and abundance from now on
It's ok to feel low sometimes - I am breaking old patterns and releasing the sadness I have carried for so long. At these times...
I *am* acknowledging the feelings and I *am* releasing them - making way for feelings of self-love and appreciation

So - as well as my Scarecrow learning to sensibly manage money, and be responsible... (get a brain) and Dorothy... who longs for a new life - but also to return to a life of being debt free...(returning home) I now have the Tin Man who longs to feel - and be able to love and be loved... (get a heart). Phew...

"We're off to see the Wizard... "
(and probably a counsellor en route!)

uptheleft

And again, I am in awe!!
Keep recording in your Diary!! It will make a great Book, or maybe a difference in some young fellows life who is quite possibly going through the same thing you have went through, and is now thinking, it gets better!

My DS struggles with education, or should I say he doesn't like being told what to do! I tell him, University is a three year party... the hardest part is getting there! Sometimes I ask my nephew to come and have a word with him, about this 3 year party, just to show my son that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I would urge you, to tell your story (so far) to as many people who will listen, you have been through the mill, yet you are coming out the other side of it, so much better and so much stronger!!

32b3in2013

I actually think you could sell your diary. You write so wel and with such feeling.

Any man would be lucky to have you.

All the best

32b3

PurpleJay

Hi Abundant, just popped over from UFC to say hello!

I have read your diary and love the way you write. You got me thinking, why are we the way we are with money...

I grew up an only child with parents who believed wholeheartedly in saving up for everything. Money was tight when I was growing up as my parents had stretched themselves with the mortgage not expecting to have a baby. My mum was 39 when she had me and they had long given up on the idea. Mum gave up work for 4 years and then went back evenings and later school hours to make ends meet. We had holidays but some of them were out of season in Mablethorpe when most things were shut, you get the idea. We used to take our library tickets and go to the library - you couldn't make it up :rotfl:

I remember when my dad had a small bank loan for a car it was a big deal for them. Every piece of furniture they bought, the cash was put away week by week and great deliberation took place as to what they wanted and then where to get it the cheapest. Neither mum or dad were afraid to haggle!

I am an only child. I left home at 20 and moved into a house with a friend. I was offered and applied for 2 credit cards from my bank, one mastercard and one visa. They were for £1500 each. I was like 'yay free money!' I had no idea but I went shopping. My dad lent me the money for my driving lessons and first car.

When I got engaged and wanted to save up for a house I moved back to my parents and took out a consolidation loan. We were offered a deal on a new build and moved in with no money. We bought new everything on credit. Carpets, curtains, sofas, bedding, kitchenware. We ran up the credit cards again. I was so overdrawn, my bank closed my account. We split up. I took out a new consolidation loan. We sold the house and I moved back to my mums.

I thought never again. My lightbulb moment was when my bank refused to have me as a customer! :eek:

I met my now husband. I saved up, paid off the loan and a year later bought another house. Soon after he moved in. This time it was an old house and to start with we managed with what we had or bought cheap. Hubby who I thought was fantastic with money when we met has also got in a mess with credit cards too a couple of times. It is so easy to overspend and then having to make the payments just makes it worse.

I always think I should have known better given how careful my parents were but then they were brought up in a different time. I was never warned of the dangers of credit cards. I never told my parents I had them or the loans. My mum would have been mortified!

Our current house was bought with my mum so she could live with us but as you know she had to move to a care home. Because of her putting equity in the property, our mortgage is affordable. We couldn't have afforded to live here otherwise. I sometimes feel guilty about it but we wouldn't have come here were it not to help her. After my lightbulb moment which was a few years ago now, I turned into a bit of a control freak about making sure I can pay the bills (not a bad thing at all IMHO) and that is why I have control of the household bills and hubby pays board. This was especially important after having our son and moving in with mum who by that stage (if ever) had no real clue about money.

I think having your lightbulb moment is the most important thing on the road to becoming debt free. Once you have had that, you know where you are going wrong and know that you want to do something about it. Once you have had that, you might have a few lapses here or there but at the end of the day, you are already on your journey and just need to get back on track. You have already made loads of positive steps and I know you can do it :T

I have been thinking about the Gambling and I can understand how it is very easy to get into the mindset where you think just a bit more and I might win back what i have lost. I did try out some of these sites a while back when there was lots of offers about (probably still is) where if you spend £20 they will give you £20 cash back. Anything I won, was ploughed back in and while I don't think I spent much of my own cash and got a bit of entertainment out of it, it was very tempting when the money ran out to pay just a bit more. Do you think playing the free games is good for you? I would worry about being tempted again. Just wondering if there was something else you could do instead.. have you tried any of the survey sites? They can be quite time consuming and you do get actual rewards. I keep meaning to make more of them.

Anyway, that is enough of me waffling on Hope you continue with your diary, I shall read with interest.

Good luck x

abundant1972

Hi everybody...

This post is long overdue... as are the thanks to you all. My apologies.

Bast - thanks for sharing your story. It does help hearing what you've said. I think you remind me that we never quite know what is around the corner... Part of being financially free is not just being debt free now - but also planning for the future. Thank you... I will keep this in mind and come back to it...

Rising - it will be *great* to have a fellow 40 year old along... Am going to nag you now to see how you cope with being 40 and well... where we are. Will have a proper read of your diary!!!

Uptheleft - thank you too. You made me think how different my life would be had I had someone like your nephew (ie younger and nearer my age) to guide me... When I read your post I thought of a few people I could maybe help or support - and that opens up a whole new 'role' for me - something as a single guy with no kids I am missing.

32b3in2013 - That is really kind. I am a nightmare to go out with though ha ha! I couldn't date me hehe!!! No - am kidding... am sure it will happen when the time is right... and when I have faced off a few demons of my own.

PurpleJay - Thanks for sharing this. Hearing your own personal story meant a lot... I can draw many similarities and knowing that I'm not on my own - that actually lots of parents lived that way (and still do am sure) helps me a lot. It normalises my upbringing.

I have never entered the murky waters of home buying (I still rent at 40) and I see it isn't without its challenges. The number of friends I know who have said once you buy a house it is a money sink, as there is always *something* that needs doing up/fixing/buying... certainly you echo that. What also struck me was how easy it is to think others are sorted (i.e you thinking hubby was great with money) but actually a lot of people struggle at times - despite what they may appear to be like...

I do believe life is a learning ground... for what I'm not sure yet... maybe an evolution of our souls - we get to try our hand at everything eventually so we can learn fully what it is to be Human... Who knows? All I can say is - you seem to have come through your challenges all the stronger for it... Life does move in mysterious ways - everything happening with your mum - well I imagine that this is bringing new teachings that you will grow from also. Gifts and blessings can come from many places - and her investing in you was just one. She wouldn't have done it had she not believed in you.

I'll come on to gambling shortly...

Last but not least... EverTheOptimist. I have been struggling - deliberating - trying to find something quirky and clever I could open my next step of the journey with... You handed me exactly what I needed to hear:

"Just think of yourself as the 'Lion' who has found the courage to stand up and put yourself out there, to deal with the difficulties you face"...

abundant1972

Full of enthusiasm after my last posting I seemed to have lost my way a little...

After the initial burst of energy that got me going on my journey to become debt free... and having already met and started to integrate the aspects of myself represented by the Scarecrow I felt hungry for a challenge.

Not long after Dorothy meets the Scarecrow she comes across an orchard and is attacked by some trees after inadvertently taking a lunchbox from one of them, believing it to be a normal tree. It occurred to me that sometimes things aren't always what they seem - and something that looks good and enticing may not always be what you expect...

This was my promotion. I opened every door I could to bring in more money and opportunity knocked and I let it in. However - the job was more than I bargained for - and in many respects this last two months I do feel I have literally had stuff thrown at me left right and centre. With a new job comes new responsibilities - and a whole new set of rules. I *definitely* keep forgetting I'm not in Kansas anymore! There was a time I could have shied away from these, and let someone else shoulder the work - but equally the rewards would never have improved. Now there are new, bigger rewards - enticing me to become debt free quicker - but they aren't there simply to be plucked and taken - I have to work for them.

This is something new for me. I am lazy. I want everything to land in my lap - in many ways I still carry much of the naivety of youth! Though being 40 - having never had a family (as in a wife and children) and the responsibilities they bring - I just had to look out for me. This new job is stretching me in ways I haven't been tested yet - longer hours, teaching new staff, learning new skills and going on difficult courses. It is my mind (Scarecrow aspect) that is now being put to the test.

My gambling temptations mentioned in part 1, really are the part that wants reward with no effort. Easy money - but not without risk... On that score an update...

Have I looked up gambling support groups/counselling - half heartedly. I think when my new job hit and the amount of work hit me - the lazy part of me thought - there has to be an easier way. Everybody else makes earning a decent wage look so easy...

In my Scarecrow post I mentioned that I *did* cap my spending allowance - placing a spend limit of £10 per week (the minimum they allow). Whilst not going cold turkey - it was a step in the right direction. What this meant was, I could have a play on free games - but the risk of a huge blow out was removed. I have been quietly watching my behaviour... and I have been tempted to lift the cap (which takes a few days to lift so you can't impulse spend when caught in the grip of gambling)... but I have told myself - if I do that - I *know* I have a problem. That has kept me at £10 (which has to come from my weekly spends). Interestingly I note I *have* spent that £10 *every* week though - but then I haven't felt much like going out. I now have a £10 'night in' with some chance of winning a bit as opposed to going to a pub and spending £10 on drinks with no return... Is that the way the mind of a gambler works though? Am I fooling myself?

Maybe I can answer my own question. After a really grueling week - I got in and found myself signing up to a different site. I ploughed in money on an apparently fool proof scheme... I spent the whole evening (7pm - 2am) playing - and at one point I had deposited £310.00 - which was money I had saved in my annual expenses account for stuff like car tax, insurance etc. A small part of my mind was strangely alert and detached, watching with horror at the ease at which I ploughed in another £100 an placed bets of £5, £10, £50 on a single spin of a wheel. There was a rush - but the stress of it was immense: anger, fear, despondency, desperation - imagine all of those heightened and experienced as a single emotion. Even as I played - and the rush turned into despair - I found myself thinking - why am I doing this? It's just not worth it. Then the bargaining behaviour returned... 'if I can just win back x amount I promise I'll stop'... That is addiction - if ever I saw it.

Somehow - I got my money back + all the money I had originally gambled + a bit extra. Then I stopped. I imagined lying in bed and how I would feel if I had had this amount and then lost it all again. How dejected and disheartened and stupid would I feel? I withdrew it and the slate is now clean.

Am so annoyed for even going there in the first place - and I *have* to learn from this. This time I was 'lucky'... it could so easily have ended differently - with me losing everything and being left financially ruined... and worse - emotionally depressed.

When life seems tough - I have to just somehow put my energies into looking at what is challenging me and not take the easy way out. The Coward's way out...

abundant1972

The following are some deeper musings - at first, not seemingly related so much to the Wizard of Oz theme as such - but as they have surfaced whilst I have been writing... I felt it would be good to share them... Hang in there!!! I've scattered in some quotations I found and really liked... I hope you enjoy them too.

In the film, Dorothy is walking through the forest with her new friends - the Scarecrow and Tin Man. They start to talk about what dangers there may be... "Lions and Tigers and Bears (oh my!)"... It occurred to me that these were imaginary fears at that point... potential meetings that could happen - but hadn't yet... This 'fearing the worst' is a very strong theme within me... The Lion himself when they meet him is all all bluster and actually scared of his own shadow...

In Shamanic terms - one's Shadow is a part of us that holds much power - it is our 'darker' side... it could be where our fears live - and is often a part that holds us in thrall if we let it. The Shadow is not something to be cut off and disowned... but faced and integrated... After all - it is a part of us... and is there for a reason. Once we can work with it - it is an enormous resource of strength.

"What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.”

J. Krishnamurti

Fear is a huge part of my Shadow-Self. I realise for the most part - I am afraid of life. Growing up I never felt safe (being bullied, and being gay and 'in the closet' playing a big part of this, as mentioned previously). I now realise I was, and still am - afraid of trying anything - in case I fail and because risk in life feels life-threatening. I am also afraid that nothing short of perfection will be acceptable... I lack the courage to live, and not only to try and fail... but to try and succeed... Where did this come from...?

I remember getting my GSCE results - 6 grade A's and 3 B's and feeling disappointed and barely getting a well done from my parents. I remember learning to dance and being criticised by my father who mimicked me and said if I wanted to be a real man he'd put me in the army. I think it seemed I was never good enough. Nothing I did ever merited any reward. I remember singing - I used to love singing, and being told to 'shut that racket up' - and I stopped... only to find as an adult - too late to do anything with it - that I could sing and dance - and could have done them well. I remember drawing and drawing well - and being told - 'you've not drawn that again'. I think in the end I gave up trying. What's the point - if for all your hard work - you're never going to get any recognition or praise from the people who matter to you. I love my parents - but I am sad they never encouraged me to do what I enjoyed - only what they decided was right for me. Yes I now have a stable job that pays a wage - but a life lacking passion, and a youth I can't ever get back.

So what's the lesson here. I gave up. I stopped trying. I dug my heels in and decided that I wasn't even going to bother trying. Of course - as an adult - the only person this hurts is me. Whilst my parents are still alive - I don't think I do things to please them. Quite the opposite if anything. Which makes me wonder am I still punishing them by 'not trying'? Am I using that as an excuse to stop myself ever reaching for anything? If I was to succeed at something it would mean having to face up to NOT being a failure... and that for the past 40 years I have lived a half-life and of my own volition - wasted some really good years.

“Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?”

Mary Manin Morrissey

I'm rambling I know!. What can I pull from all of this?

1) I have been a Perfectionist.

If I can't do something perfectly - I'd rather not bother. This again is another manifestation for me of an excuse to procrastinate and stop myself trying. It has its uses - when I do do things they are done really well - but on the whole - it just stalls me. It's about control too - when life is spiralling - it helps me retain a sense of control and order. Of course - it's also about fear of not being good enough... that anything less than perfection will be catastrophically disastrous... There is still that little boy inside who wants to please everyone... who wants to be told 'well done... we think you're amazing'. I need to remember this when I worry that my efforts may 'fail'.

“Let failure be your workshop. See it for what is is: the world walking you through a tough but necessary semester, free of tuition”

Steven Heighton

"Just because you fail once doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything.”

Marilyn Monroe

2) I have been a Martyr.

I find it all too easy to wallow in that horrible 'poor me' space... My upbringing was this or that... it's so and so's fault I never did this or that. I use it as an excuse not to move forward and live in the now, and take responsibility for today. I need to realise my issues may have a different wrapping paper on - but everybody has them!!! All of these things are a part of life...

“The process of living, for each of us, is pretty similar. For every gain there is a setback. For every success, a failure. For every moment of joy, a time of sadness. For every hope realized, one is dashed.”

Sue Atchley Ebaugh

3) I have never acknowledged my successes.

I have A Levels, I am told I am good at my job, I have other academic qualifications and more certificates than I care to mention. I look back more than I look forward... I regret opportunities missed, rather than imagining a bright future...

“Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only good for wallowing in.”

Katherine Mansfield

4) I have been living life in a dream.

Life would be great IF... IF only I could... I wouldn't have to worry about this IF... I rarely get around to putting those 'IFs' into action...

“The true measure of a man is not what he dreams, but what he aspires to be; a dream is nothing without action. Whether one fails or succeeds is irrelevant; all that matters is that there was motion in his life. That alone affects the world.”

Mike Norton

In my dream world - I have set my sights on things that are so entirely unrealistic - and told myself anything short of these is a waste of time and effort... I do not want to sing UNLESS I can become a successful pop singer. I do not want to dance unless I can be one of those muscled 20 something backing dancers who dance with pop stars! I do not want to act unless I can be a successful actor in a show I enjoy and make a career of it.

“Do not let your grand ambitions stand in the way of small but meaningful accomplishments.”

Bryant McGill

5) I have looked to others for approval

My counselling training hi-lighted I have an 'external locus of evaluation' - that is my sense of self esteem largely comes from pleasing others... I need to shift this to internal... so that I can feel good in spite of what others may think - and my life is grown and nourished from within - and not reliant upon others for its growth and direction.

“I can't tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.”

Ed Sheeran

“...instead of spending our lives running towards our dreams, we are often running away from a fear of failure or a fear of criticism.”

Eric Wright

6) I do not love myself.

Do I celebrate me in anyway? No. Birthdays come and go. My achievements are in boxes gathering dust somewhere. Despite all - I see my life as a failure - void of love and emotion - this is my Tin Man.

Learning to love oneself can be a difficult thing - if like me you are forever looking outwards for approval... I stumbled over a website whilst writing this, which talked about developing 'Loving kindness':

"Loving kindness helps us to develop an unconditional friendship with our self. This brings a sense of wellness, wholeness, and comfort in our body, mind, and being. As we move through the practice, pain and sadness will arise from time-to-time, providing the opportunity for deeper healing. The secret, she tells us, is not to struggle against the pain in our life. By simply being open and present we can learn to release our past pain and become our own best friend"

Pema Chodron

I am really going to try and incorporate this into my daily life... It feels an opportunity to get to the heart of things and transform myself from the inside... and the basic practice is really easy.

Here are the links:

Part 1 (video - though she does not discuss the actual practice):

http://alwayswellwithin.com/2011/06/04/are-you-serious-about-loving-yourself

Part 2: Here are the guidelines for daily practice

http://alwayswellwithin.com/2011/06/18/are-you-serious-about-loving-yourself-part-2/

So - where has all this brought me to. I now see my Cowardly Lion - who is seeking the courage to LIVE!... to dare to step out and follow his dreams... to not let the past - and people from it - hold him back any more. To live life by his own standards - to try and learn from the inevitable stumbles in life - not hide from life in case I trip... for that is no life at all...

Igamogam

Thank you

abundant1972

I'll leave you with a more few quotes I liked...

:T

“I enjoy the fun of failure. It's fun to fail, I kept repeating. It's part of being ambitious; it's part of being creative. If something is worth doing, it's worth doing badly”

Gretchen Rubin

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”

Truman Capote

“Life is full of screwups. You're supposed to fail sometimes. It's a required part of the human existance.”

Sarah Dessen

“Negative results are just what I want. They’re just as valuable to me as positive results. I can never find the thing that does the job best until I find the ones that don’t.”

Thomas A. Edison

“Lots of things can be fixed. Things can be fixed. But many times, relationships between people cannot be fixed, because they should not be fixed. You're aboard a ship setting sail, and the other person has joined the inland circus, or is boarding a different ship, and you just can't be with each other anymore. Because you shouldn't be.”

C. JoyBell C.

“Success is determined not by whether or not you face obstacles, but by your reaction to them. And if you look at these obstacles as a containing fence, they become your excuse for failure. If you look at them as a hurdle, each one strengthens you for the next.”

Ben Carson

“If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have little, give of your heart.”

Arabian Proverb

“We are what we think, and all that we are rises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. Speak and act with a pure mind and happiness will follow.”

Buddha

:T