Journey to the Emerald City...

abundant1972

Journey to the Emerald City

The one movie that always inspired me and filled me with wonder as a kid, was 'The Wizard of Oz'. I'm sure it needs no introduction - Dorothy is whisked away from her mundane life by a cyclone and crashes down in the land of Oz - a magical World filled with wonders and dangers. Her journey home leads her along the yellow brick road, towards the Emerald City...

In many ways - this story reflects how I feel about my financial journey... My mundane World has been living day after day in debt - much like the film - my life has seemed black and white - and I've been filled with a longing for another life somewhere over the rainbow... If I could only get there.

My light-bulb moment was like the cyclone that carried me into a different place - a place where things suddenly seemed more vibrant and alive - and way off in the distance I knew that financial freedom - my own Emerald City - was waiting for me. My own house landed on my own personal Wicked Witch of the East (my 'head in the sand' mentality) and now my eyes are open to the way forward 'she' can never come back. I even have my own Wicked Witch of the West - my inner self that wants to self sabotage my efforts - who every now and then says 'I can't do' or 'give up and turn back'... and I'm sure I'll have a few more battles to wage with this one - the nearer my goal becomes.

So... my journey started with that first step on to the yellow brick road... and this is where I start now - a New Year - and I'm full of enthusiasm... I may not be wearing a blue gingham check dress and red spangly heels - I am a guy after all - but I definitely have a spring in my step! I have my own spiritual beliefs and they are kind of like Toto... always with me and something to keep me company along the way!...

I've joined several threads on the 'Debt Free Wannabe' forum and my fellow MSErs (a.k.a munchkins ) have cheered me along and encouraged me to take my first steps.

So - for the next 12 months I'll be checking in... recording my highs and lows, ups and downs, successes and... well... even bigger successes!!! Be positive!!! Feel free to read, comment - and if you want to - follow the yellow brick road too!!! We all have our own Emerald City somewhere!!!

abundant1972

Financial Breakdown

My own yellow brick road equates to £12,500
(£11,500 debt plus an Emergency Fund of £1000 I want to save)

Posts Joined

Ultimate Challenge
(by NinjaSavingKat)

This sets a time frame for my journey. Our goal is to clear our debts by the end of 2013... That's 365 days to make the trip!


Starting again - 1% at a time
(by LittleMissUniDebt)

1% = £125.00

Am seeing each 1% I clear as taking me a little further along the road towards my goal

Currently cleared/saved = 20%


1 Debt vs 100 Days
(by Amara)

This is a re-occurring challenge and I've found it really helped focus me to clear off my smaller debts. It splits the long road up into manageable milestones. The current challenge ends Jan 16th and a new one will begin shortly after. My last two debts are pretty sizeable but I'll give it a go!!!

Next Target

Loan with Lloyds = £2950.24


January's Big Financial Freeze
(NinjaSavingKat)

Kat ran a great thread in November (called 'NOvember') and in December (December Debt Destruction) and this is January's thread. If you are determined you should check out her challenges. They are tough - sometimes aiming for 20-25 No Spend Days (NSD) a month and there are a few rules - but I like that structure - it helps keep me on track and in budget (mostly!). The people on there are really supportive too!


My progress in each of these threads will continue to be posted on there as I want to stay as much a part of those groups as I can. This is going to be more like a personal journal where I can have a rant or record new moments of clarity... If I'm feeling low or I'm struggling - it's a place I can come back to and see how I got through things the last time etc.

Sholly

Hi Abundant :j

Looking forward to following your journey on here. I hope by this time next year we'll both be ***DEBT-FREE*** Can you imagine how that's gonna feel? I'm excited!!

Sholly x

karmachilovething

Hi abundant

I followed you here from JBFF and looking forward to seeing your journey unfold!

KarmaChi

abundant1972

Hi there Sholly and KarmaChi - welcome aboard!!!

If there's one thing I've come to realise since joining the MSE forums... is the value of a shared experience. Listening to others - and being inspired by their experiences is what it's all about. So - feel free to comment anytime. I'd really appreciate your advice and support - and hope that in return, you'll get something from being here too.

"All our dreams can come true - if we have the courage to pursue them" (Walt Disney).

Determined_diva

Hi abundant! I have subscribed! I am cheering you on all the way (still racing you though :-) )
DDx

abundant1972

This morning I decided it was time to be totally honest with myself... by posting on here - it's making it real - and I can't pretend... or hide from myself. I plan on my Diary being the nitty gritty truth - so it won't always be a joyride I'm afraid... but - that's ok. We need the lows and the challenges in life - they make us stronger and push us forward to better ourselves.

So... I'd taken my first few steps up the yellow brick road... full of enthusiasm and a desire to succeed. I'd signed up to a few threads and moved my 'debt free' date to the end of 2013... Challenging but do-able if I apply myself.

2012 was a difficult year. I left the place I'd lived and loved for the last 10 years - to move into a shared house nearer to work. This resulted in a huge financial saving and brought my debt free date forward by 2 years, and my longer term savings plan forward by 9 years!!! However - the move was less than easy - and the people I ended up sharing with made my life a misery. One out of thoughtless disrespect for me, and the other by being down right manipulative and devious. My mental and emotional well being suffered as a result, and it triggered an episode of depression - something I've battled all my life on and off - but had been free of for the last 4 or 5 years. I moved again after 6 months and after an initial shaky start - have settled in and am getting back on track. Feeling run down and exhausted - illness struck over Christmas and New Year and I barely left the house let alone celebrate... and I was feeling sorry for myself...

Suddenly - clearing £10K in 12 months seemed overwhelming and feeling depleted - I couldn't see a way forward... My resolve weakened and I looked for an easy way out... and turned to gambling. I dabbled last year and spent maybe £150 in a short space of time and then cancelled my access to the online site I'd become hooked on. Looking back - it was at a time I was low and sought an escape from my circumstances. This perhaps is my 'trigger' - and certainly how I was feeling a few weeks ago.

It started with £50... then another £50... then a few days back that turned into £100s... A voice in my rational brain was shouting 'what are you doing?' - I even went online and looked at Gambling Support sites and read up on the psychology behind it... but that voice was muffled by anger. At the end of December I'd cleared 20% of my debts and almost saved £1000 Emergency Fund... Indignant at myself - I fell into the 'chasing my losses' trap - even when part of me observing my behaviour knew this is what it was.

I ploughed more money into the system - and part of me 'believed' my next win was around the corner... I had a few streaks of luck - and one time - got my winnings (on £10 bet) up to over £100. By that point I was over £300 down... The rational voice was saying quit now - and just admit you've blown £200... but that other voice was stronger... I wanted all my losses back - and that money went back in and was lost. Seeing myself so out of control and desperate was frightening - it was like I was taking a back seat in my own mind... The only thing I can compare it to was being drunk... Alcohol instills a super-confidence within me but my judgement goes out the window... And that's what gambling does - apparently you get a release of feel good chemicals for the duration of the betting (triggered by the colourful display and rewarding noises the slot machines make) and before you know it - you believe you can do anything...

I found myself crossing my fingers 'believing' this would influence the next spin... prayed to whatever was out there (bargaining behaviour) that if I could 'just get my winnings to such and such an amount - I promised I would quit'... When I hit that I pressed on wanting more and more... At the end of my 'spree' I'd spent £382.02 - using up money I'd saved for other things throughout the year (towards car tax, insurance etc) and my living expenses for this month. I've now paid that money back into my bank account from my Emergency fund - reducing the target I'd cleared/saved from 20% to 17%. I can't begin to tell you how upset and angry I was... With the inevitable losses came a crashing low - just what I don't need right now when I am battling to recover from an episode of depression.

I haven't posted this on the other challenges because I felt ashamed, and that I'd not only let myself down - but everyone else sharing the challenges. It's my second slip since being there and last time I said I'd quit and was full of remorse and here I am back again - having spent more. What a let down. Have I problem?... Well - I placed a £10 limit on my account (per week) so I can still play the free games in the hope of winning back my losses... I have on occasions won £10 here and there... I was thinking over the year... 2 years... if I just stick to the free games I will *eventually* get back the money. I logged on yesterday to find £20 I hadn't spent... So - did I withdraw it there and then? No - It went back in thinking I could push that up to a bigger amount. I'd say whilst I haven't gambled my life away - the potential is there. My posts elsewhere were positive - yet all the while I was condoning this behaviour... hence this admission. I need to face up to stuff. No more hiding - and no more excuses.

Why put myself through that? I've asked myself that *a lot * lately. It's like I have a part of me that is intent to self-sabotage all my good intentions... Like I believe I somehow don't deserve to have this nice debt free life I have planned for myself. I think another part of me - if I am brutally honest - is just lazy. I want results but I don't want to put in the hard work. That's probably what got me into debt all those years ago... I want a holiday - easy - get a bank loan. I want a new wardrobe - easy - get a credit card.

My parents worked hard for a living - always saving to pay for things and always avoiding getting into debt. However - in hindsight - maybe seeing them having to work 7 days a week and every hour under the sun - made me think I don't ever want to do that! The other unfortunate thing was that money was a 'taboo' subject in our house. I never knew what they earned - it was 'none of my business'. I was never taught about the virtues of saving... about budgeting... about taxes... about how to live. Consequently - upon leaving home - and moving away - when faced with banks throwing money at me I took it and blew it - living way beyond my means and not ever glimpsing what kind of a future that would create for myself.

I'm now 40 - single - 10K in debt, just over £500 in savings and lodging in a shared house to get back on track. I own my own car (bought for me partly from inheritance money and partly as a gift as my siblings had wedding gifts and I would never be getting married being a gay guy). How does that feel when your siblings are high flyers - with their own homes and holidays every year...? Pretty crappy I can tell you.

However - life *is* what you make of it. My parents did the best they could with the tools and knowledge *they* had from their parents. I do not blame them - my childhood was happy - and clearly my siblings turned out ok in terms of money management... therefore - it must be something within me - some character trait that just wants an easy life! That's quite hard to admit to - but accept it I must... and somehow work with it. I have many good - great qualities and gifts - that I probably don't give myself enough credit for... I'm caring, funny (my saving grace!), honest, creative, reflective... and it is these gifts that I must use to turn my life around.

So - fresh on my journey - this is the first big hurdle I'm having to face up to. Myself. I mentioned at the start of the blog how I wanted to relate this journey to Dorothy's fabled journey in Oz - because it's a story that captured my heart and imagination from an early age... and I wanted to just escape life (being gay and coming to terms with my sexuality played a *BIG* part in this - but that's a story for another time!) and go on my own magical journey...

So.. I'm on the yellow brick road and I've left Munchkinland - I know where I'm heading - to see the Wizard to get answers!!! Coming face to face with the part of myself that will happily gamble away my hard earned cash knowing it's not good for me - that part of me is going to be my Scarecrow. He wished more than anything to have 'a brain' and that's what I want back. I want to have my head screwed firmly on - able to think rationally and make good sound decisions... I'm going to look at getting help from a gambling support group and perhaps counselling to help me better understand 'why' I do this...

So - hand in hand... feeling supported and with new purpose and direction...

"We're off to see The Wizard..."

Enchanted21

Wow, wow WOW!!!!!! Do you believe in serendipity?

I am sat here thinking, just before I read you thread..... I wonder whether I should give matched betting a go?

I logged on, and because my default page is the diaries, I thought.... I will have a read of the diaries first. Yours caught my eye, because my diary too is about the Wizard of Oz ........ I love that move too :-)

So I read on........

My Giddy Aunt, I'm so glad I did :-). What a wonderful, honest way you have with writing. It was refreshing to read. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much, the insight that you have into your problems is much Moore important...... Just make sure you have learnt the lesson it was meant to teach you :-). You will make back the money somehow over the course of the year.

I currently work in a school and the teacher I work alongside, I'm pretty sure is gay. He is soooooooooo much fun and much better to work with than any female teacher. He, like you, has many wonderful qualities..... In fact, I think he and I might have been separated at birth. We totally know what each other is thinking :-). Have I said, he is soooooooo much fun?????? Lol.

I guess what I'm trying to say is ........ I believe in serendipity and maybe, just maybe, I was meant to read your diary right now..... For a whole host of reasons.

Looking forward to reading more as time goes by :-)

Enchanted Xxx

Ps....... Decided not to look at the matched betting, I would be like you if I lost money....... Paying out more to try and recoup my losses. It would consume me Xx

Take Care Xx

uptheleft

WOW xx
Inspirational!

My siblings are high flyers too!
I love them to bits, but sometimes feel the green eyed monster coming to play when they announce their monthly holiday to France, or their big break to the bahamas... where they meet their Game of thrones stars!

However im grateful for everything I have, and I am responsible for my own Debts!!
Wishing things were the other way about, gets me nowhere, but brings me closer to the Black Dog of Depression!

karmachilovething

Abundant,

Thank you for being so honest. That was really brave.

I find myself most vulernable to bad choices/spending due to emotional state too. I don't spend on gambling, but on clothes, shoes and fancy food. Maybe more understandable to some, but no less daft a way to find the road to happiness.

That fact that you've caught yourself so quickly (in a matter of days/weeks) is a very good sign. That last spiral I had lasted a year (off the back of a nasty breakup) and led to doubling my debts. Lots of people here have been there; remember there are always people who will understand.

One thing I've helped in making me strong enough to start my own journey is basically a lot of self help literature! It's something that's not taken very seriously in this country (and there is a lot of nonsense out there), but there are also some very helpful books. I've been using it to understand what's important to me, why I've made the choices I have, and what choices I want to make.

If you're interested I particularly recommend Brene Brown's TED talks (free on the website and app) and Stephen R Covey's book "7 habits of highly effective people" (which is my current reading!)

Good luck.
KC

NinjaSavingKat

Firstly your title, theme and writing are superb. What a beautiful analogy to push you forward to the Emerald city...

Whether I can play your Dorothy or just a Munchkin I feel this post had to come out for you to grow as a person. I can only tell you I am sat at work, close to tears and will post more later when I am at home... this is what the fight is all about. Your honesty just proves you are ready for this journey. Our demons that tell us we can't do something, don't deserve it and should feel jealous of someone else's situation...

I just want to say now that I admire you, your contributions to my post, your desire to make your situation better despite what life it throwing at you and yes your out and proud honesty - but don't ever compare yourself to your siblings! You are worth more....

You have faced and are dealing with your demons, you know you have a struggle with depression, with being gay and possibly a little with gambling - but you are DEALING with it.... you are not hiding from anything or anyone!!!

When we are envious of another person's life, we are envying the distress, heartache and struggles they have endured to get there. When we do not know the extent of what those struggles were, we are doing ourselves an injustice - because should we know what that person has gone through we might well realize that we are better as we are and that other person can keep their life.... does that make sense? Why even bother - why not reinvest this energy into making us into the person we want to be.

.......you never know what your siblings are dealing with. Since your parents told you "it's none of your business" when they talked about money so also your siblings might think and don't tell you the truth.... maybe their homes are kept afloat from re-mortgaging, maybe they never have their heating on... maybe they are hundreds of thousands of £££ in debt to hang on to a lifestyle that people expect them to have.....

All your focus MUST be on you! Your posts on my threads have told me they are... with work and the recent promotion, with choosing to move to alleviate the mess from weirdo flatmates.. you need to switch off to everything in 2013 that doesn't do you any good....

Now more importantly.. instead of looking at the posts from Gamblers Anonymous... why not go to them and have a chat..? Curb this need for a £10 weekly run...? Is that on your radar...?

Never before have I believed words are so important than when I say you Mr Abundant are heading Onwards and Upwards!

x x x