Hoarding - A New Start

whitewing

sjprmc01 wrote: »

I have everything. Everything I could need and everything I could want. A house with a front and back garden, family car, 3 lovely (if trying at times) kids, a loving OH. I don't want for anything yet I buy and buy and buy. More and more stuff till I'm out of cash time and time again. I'm an intelligent being why can't I be sensible with money?

Ask your Other Half. Bet he knows you better than you know yourself. (And report back here, of course).

sjprmc01

He doesn't. Or at least he is unable to articulate it

Surely I'm not just a brainwashed product of advertising? I didn't even have a particularly tough upbringing! Yes, I was brought up in a 1-parent family the 2nd youngest of 5 kids at a time when divorce wasn't too common (early 80s). And my mum never worked and yes I wasn't in the 'in crowd' and didn't have all the new fashions but I wasn't actually THAT deprived. And everything about circles and comes back to clothes and shoes why did I care so much? And why do I now, still, even though I know how I behave, still have to have 'everything'

lostinrates

sjprmc01 wrote: »

He doesn't. Or at least he is unable to articulate it

Surely I'm not just a brainwashed product of advertising? I didn't even have a particularly tough upbringing! Yes, I was brought up in a 1-parent family the 2nd youngest of 5 kids at a time when divorce wasn't too common (early 80s). And my mum never worked and yes I wasn't in the 'in crowd' and didn't have all the new fashions but I wasn't actually THAT deprived. And everything about circles and comes back to clothes and shoes why did I care so much? And why do I now, still, even though I know how I behave, still have to have 'everything'

I would not feel bad about being 'a product of advertising' its not uncommon and it's incredibly strong. It's not just the 'ads' either. The editorials opin magazines, papers and tv magazine type shows.

I once thought it would be worth sitting down and doing a cost of living not just how those official ones are done but including everything else they say you should have....like car kits of first aid updated annually, and non old style replacing of stuff open for three days or more, etc etc..,,,,I bet it would work out horrifically expensive.


I also think its importnt that while those banishing demons do so effectively they don't allow the transitionary phase of realisation to condemn them to a 'victim' mentailty. I don't think this helps. SMe of the peoe who share the hardest stories are strong, inspiring, awesome, powerful in the written word people ....they should know how they inspired and awe, not just how they quakes and felt small. That was the past.

whitewing

Did you used to have special treats in which clothes and shoes figured? Or a favourite aunty who always looked great, or a fashionable, brilliant teacher?

I know that part of my issue with food is that the times when everybody was happiest was when there were big buffets with lots of puddings and gateaux. Even though I am in charge of the budget and can buy what I like within reason, I still don't quite get that it isn't going to disappear.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

sjprmc01 wrote: »

I have everything. Everything I could need and everything I could want. A house with a front and back garden, family car, 3 lovely (if trying at times) kids, a loving OH. I don't want for anything yet I buy and buy and buy. More and more stuff till I'm out of cash time and time again. I'm an intelligent being why can't I be sensible with money?

What is it that you actually need?

Is it to feel good enough? Is it a little excitement, a little novelty, a little sparkle?

Is it to be able to sit and feel calm, instead of slightly anxious that it's all going to be swept away if you can't keep up?

Is it a quiet nagging feeling in your head that you'd like to sort out a couple of wonky teeth, a scar, a mole, something that makes you feel less than satisfied with your own reflection?

Is it a silent fear that you could end up with three children having to go without if you don't keep everyone happy with presents and things?

What is it about you that you aren't quite happy with, that drives you to get Stuff to disguise it?

blossomhill_2

sjprmc01 wrote: »

I have everything. Everything I could need and everything I could want. A house with a front and back garden, family car, 3 lovely (if trying at times) kids, a loving OH. I don't want for anything yet I buy and buy and buy. More and more stuff till I'm out of cash time and time again. I'm an intelligent being why can't I be sensible with money?

Not wanting to venture into pop psychology but did you ever want to travel more, or to have a son, or children that were a bit more widely spaced, or a different lifestyle? Don't answer here if you don't want to, but it's something to think about, because however text book perfect your life may seem from the outside, if there is something that didn't match your aspirations then you will almost have to grieve for it, and if your have, seemingly, everything you could want, then you may be supressing that.
Anyone with say a degree who walks straight into a well-paid job will know they are lucky, but what if they always wanted a mad gap year? I am not telling you to find things to be dissatisfied about but maybe to find ways to talk about parallel universes

You may well be resistant to advertising but what about product placement, or lifestyle magazines? Or glossy celeb-oriented mags or the cheaper ones that promote an image as "normal" and sensationalise anything outside the box?

Maybe you need to spend a bit more time outside the home, doing simpler things that don't need money? Since I've had a dog my favouite thing is just thinking of a place and walking there - previously all my journeys ended at a till

lostinrates

You know......

I think a lot of us just like stuff. And are greedy:). I am greedy.

GreyQueen

sjprmc01 wrote: »

I have everything. Everything I could need and everything I could want. A house with a front and back garden, family car, 3 lovely (if trying at times) kids, a loving OH. I don't want for anything yet I buy and buy and buy. More and more stuff till I'm out of cash time and time again. I'm an intelligent being why can't I be sensible with money?

I'm no headshrinker but I did note that you describe yourself as not being sensible despite recognising your own intelligence and your many blessings both materially and in terms of family.

I'm wondering if you're inwardly rebelling against the responsibilites of being a Mum, a wife, a housewife and wanting to buy yourself treats? The very opposite of sensible, in other words; fun, lighthearted and carefree as an antidote to all your responsibilities?

I hope you won't read that as a critical comment because it isn't intended to be one; I catch myself self-gifting from time to time, as if my little trials and tribulations are so special that getting through the day requires that I have a consolation prize.:o

I'm trying to retrain myself not to shop when tired and ratty or hormonal as these are the points where stuff is liable to come home with me. I'm trying to transfer the idea of an edible treat into something like some lush fruit like cherries rather than cake or chocolate, or to treat myself to a library book rather than a c.s. shopping trip.

blossomhill wrote: »

Maybe you need to spend a bit more time outside the home, doing simpler things that don't need money? Since I've had a dog my favouite thing is just thinking of a place and walking there - previously all my journeys ended at a till

Ohmigoodness, that is a profound statement.

It seems that we're not allowed to just "be" as modern human beings, whatever else we should do, some shopping should be a part of it. So, every time we step out of doors, we haemorrhage money. Every social interaction has to be marked with a gift, preferably expensive, or we risk being seen as unloving and mean spirited.

I think we've been royally had.:(

sevenup01

Pitlanepiglet wrote: »

I had never really thought about why I hoarded until now, but it's fairly clear now it's a reaction to losing the stability that I had; my mum, our home and our animals (we couldn't keep our two dogs after Mum died). I seem to have reacted by trying to keep hold of everything from then and since then.

QUOTE]

I think you have hit the nail squarely on its head with this. My mum died just before my 9th birthday and the only things that i recall coming to our grandmothers house with us is our clothes, beds and toys. Everything else was burnt in a giant bonfire. Her clothes, many photo albums (not all the photo albums went but most), her bed and all the other 'stuff' that made up our home. We also had to give our dog Freeway to one of our uncles. I think it doesnt help that for us children - four of us - there was no closure as we were not allowed to attend the funeral so the last we saw was our mum in bed and we couldnt wake her. I think she was still alive as we did see her carried out of the house on a stretcher but that was it. next thing was being told she was dead. We have all reacted differently to the loss that we suffered that day. One brother is very particular and everything has its place. Another brother who was only 14 months old is fairly 'normal' with regards to mess (but he does have 6 children himself so is not going to have a hope of a spotless home for a long time!) My eldest brother is a complete and utter hoarder. He is awful. His wife is allowed to throw out nothing and if she tries he will literally bring the bags back in and tip them all over the floor:eek::eek:
I consider myself as a light hoarder. I do hoard stuff but i do try to keep it contained to the edges of the room and wil go through it and get rid of stuff as necessary. this week has seen me go through my youngest daughters clothes and charity shop a good two thirds of them the rest now fit into a set of five plastic draws. ALso gone is a sofa, carpet and underlay and several large boxes of my eldest daughters belongings. It all helps. Its a good start to the year.

the_cake

I've been lurking (and thanking!) on this thread for a few weeks now, and find it terribly moving, as well as fascinating. The level of honesty that anonymity allows .... I confess to clutter, don't think I am really a hoarder, tho' my sister is, and I have been trying to help her. She is so ambivalent about wanting to get rid of things: says she does, but then finds every excuse under the sun for holding on to whatever it is I'm trying to help her let go of.
Anyway, just popping in to say two things: firstly, I realise that I have never been able to have all the rooms in the house clear and tidy simultaneously, there's always one into which I have shoved the extra "stuff" - currently the dining room, and as it's quite big, is also quite full. Thanks to the thread I have been tackling it bit by bit, and can see light at the end of the tunnel...
Secondly, I do think that part of the problem of modern life is that we are so defined by what we HAVE, rather that what we ARE.
Huge thanks and hugs to all who have made this such an inspiring thread.