child being intimidated by grandparents

KiKi

Welshwoofs wrote: »

I tell you that because, like another poster, I'm not sure that 100% hands' off is always the best idea. If she really doesn't want to see him then I think you should get to the bottom of why that is. If, after a chat, she'd adamanant she doesn't then I think you should help her frame her feelings/desires to her Dad. Her ignoring him is not the answer - it is rude and it will just inflame the situation and your daughter's unhappiness. If she really doesn't want him in her life then I think you need to make her aware that's 'OK' and suggest the best way to handle that decision.

Best of luck.

Presume you meant me - and I completely agree. At 16 you might feel old enough to make the decision, but it's an emotionally difficult situation with emotional ramifications which you just don't appreciate when you're that young. I don't think she *should* handle it on her own to get on with it. I think her overreaction to the NYE party sounds like she's struggling and needs support and assistance to do this, even if that's through the OP for now.

belfastgirl23

Honestly it's hard to work out here what's your opinion and what your daughters feelings are. My mum always said she didn't stop me seeing my dad and this was true. But she never encouraged or enabled it and never helped me to see the good in him either. I don't blame her for that now but I am sad that I didn't know enough to take any chances to build a relationship with him. And if your daughter is a person who tries to please people then might she also be trying to please you by not wanting to see him? Looking back I know I did that but it was all very below the radar and I can only see that pattern now.

Honestly I think you should encourage her to see him - he's her dad and she should have some kind of relationship with him. But that's based on my experiences obviously.

marisco_2

cazaline wrote: »

She knows I hate him as it was an physical and emotionally abusive marriage which she has been told very little about as I do not want it to affect her opinion.

I suspected this had been the case. There are elements to the way he wished to conduct his relationship with the daughter you had together, that suggests this.

As you are no doubt painfully aware abusive personalities have a fixation about power and being in control. The way he felt that your daughter should have been contacting him and not the other way round, is very telling. He wants a relationship with her on his terms only. So when she reached out and asked something from him he turned it on her and upset her. The last thing he wanted is a young child making, as he would view it, demands on his time or finances.

I dont blame her for not wanting a relationship with him. I cant think of anything worse at her tender age, than meeting up with a man who was like a complete stranger to me, but at the same time was my dad who over the years had made it painfully obvious that he barely cared for me.

I really hope she will be okay OP. You know her better than anyone else, if it feels right then just say that you are there for her if she ever needs to talk. Offer a listening ear and let her know that whatever she says you will help and support her. In short she has suffered emotional abuse over the years from someone who should have loved her unconditionally.