child being intimidated by grandparents

go_cat

cazaline wrote: »

It isn't about that its only an hour its more the point she doesn't want to see him but her only opportunity would be NYE as she is working Tuesday and he leaves Wednesday.

Could she see him first thing Wednesday before he goes therefore able to go to her party as well?

Dunroamin

cazaline wrote: »

It isn't about that its only an hour its more the point she doesn't want to see him but her only opportunity would be NYE as she is working Tuesday and he leaves Wednesday.

But the point is, surely that she can do both? The fact that you think she'll have to cancel the party is a bit of a red herring.

KiKi

Whilst I'm of the opinion that you should do what feels right, and what makes you happy, I also think that if you want the responsibility of those decisions, then you have to communicate them.

She agreed to see her dad for an hour back in September, when he was next in town. He is in town, and he texted her on Boxing Day. She wasn't sure of meeting him, so just didn't reply to him. She didn't text back to say she was busy, or that she changed her mind - she just didn't reply.

So from his perspective, he kept to their agreement, and got in touch, and she completely ignored him. He probably told his parents, who are now texting her to say 'please see him for one hour'. They don't have a right to tell her what to do, of course, but they're defending their son who has no idea what's changed because he's not been told.

I appreciate that there's a bigger relationship issue here, and that he's probably not done himself any favours in the past. And obviously she's very upset. But I can see why they are disappointed that she said she'd have coffee then completely ignored him - she should have replied to let him know, or told you so that you could let him know.

I also don't think she has to cancel the NY party either - 30 mins coffee could be a compromise without anyone cancelling anything, or negotiate a time on NY day before he leaves. That reaction seems a bit melodramatic, which might just be her being a teenager. However, it equally might be a symptom of her being genuinely very upset because she now realises that she doesn't want to see him as a stranger / realises she doesn't have a father-daughter relationship, and this is her way of expressing it. But I can see the grandparents' view as well.


One other comment (although not specifically about your DD). I've watched kids in my family being made responsible for their relationship with their dad - they're told "it's up to you". I can see they want some support or guidance - or even at times they want to be told what to do, because they're too emotionally immature to handle that sort of decision on their own. I'm not sure that putting those decisions on a child and leaving them to it always the right thing when they're younger.

marisco_2

cazaline wrote: »

He always felt she should ring him.

He still maintains she uses him and wont go stay with him

I really cant understand your daughters' fathers logic. Why on earth would any parent feel it was up to their child to maintain contact? It should have been him phoning regularly, taking an interest in his child. He should have been making sure all her needs were being met, ideally with yourself. She should never have been made to feel scared by his behaviour when visiting him.

His relationship with her sounds as if it is close to breaking point. Yet he sees her as being a user and questions why she does not wish to go and see him. Some self reflection and an ability to accept some responsibility would do him the world of good wouldn't it.

I have a gut feeling that your daughter is now painfully aware of what an awful, inadequate parent her dad is. The upset that you see is most likely this realisation sinking in. Her next steps may go one of two ways. She may be preparing to stand up to him and tell him what she really feels and cut contact for good. Or she may be changing all her plans, so as to attempt once again to try to build a relationship that her dad seems totally unable to give her. I would advise you to not sit back and stay out of it this time. She may well need a little guidance so as his destructive treatment of her does not continue.

Seanymph

I don't think you get to tell her father's parents how to behave or what to say.

Your daughter will wise up to her father, and them, in due course. For now you have to step back and allow her to make her own decisions.

couponqueen123

i it was my child i would make it perfectly clear to granparents that they have no rights and if they dont belive me to check with the law (iv been here and done it). and if they wish to txt nasty messages to my daughter again they wont be able to as she has a new number and untill they keep out LIKE AGREED or treat her with respect and let her make her own desitions then please stay awaystop nasty contact. they should have txt you if they had to say anything ,not a CHILD

hope you get it sorted and i also think that the dad shuld bend over backwards , a txt boxing day isnt good enough in my opinion and to say shes only after money is rediculas what father who loved there child would say that when hes had 3 wifes and not been there. he shuld hang his head in shame and the grandparents they need to take the rose tinted glasses off what bout a txt or phone call xmas day to wish her a happy xmas just sounds to me like the granparents and dad want to seem like they made all the effort when they didnt shes a 16 old CHILD

and i would make it clear to her that shes under no obligation to see these people but if she wanted to she could --

michelle2008

It's a tricky one. She is nearly an adult now but is does seem unfair to expect her to be the bigger person in all this when her dad has let her down time after time.

She will have to navagate her own relationship with her dad and grandparents - it will have ups and downs for many years to come.

I would giver her and dad space to work this out. Listen to your daughters views, explain many adults are flawed but he will always be her dad.

Welshwoofs

cazaline wrote: »

He finally txt her (again no card etc.) on boxing day and asked her to meet for a coffee, when I picked her up from her grandparents on boxing day after she spent the day she seemed upset so I asked her and she said she didnt want to, she is working a lot this xmas in her part time job doing extra hours at asda and he wants to meet but sheis not sure so ignored the text.

today her grandparents have txt her 10 mins before she started work to say they are dissapointed she cannot spare 1hr to see him before he goes back on wednesday. she is really upset.

I don't see a problem with them doing that - they're not forcing her to meet him, they're stating their disappointment that she doesn't appear to want to meet him, which is fair enough. The issue is that if she doesn't want to see him, she should tell him that she doesn't want to see him rather than ignoring the text all together. Ignoring the text was extremely rude and doesn't actually solve anything, but rather make the whole situation worse.

If she feels she can't talk to him, then perhaps she could write him a letter explaining how she feels and saying that she doesn't want to see him?

cazaline

marisco wrote: »

I really cant understand your daughters' fathers logic. Why on earth would any parent feel it was up to their child to maintain contact? It should have been him phoning regularly, taking an interest in his child. He should have been making sure all her needs were being met, ideally with yourself. She should never have been made to feel scared by his behaviour when visiting him.

His relationship with her sounds as if it is close to breaking point. Yet he sees her as being a user and questions why she does not wish to go and see him. Some self reflection and an ability to accept some responsibility would do him the world of good wouldn't it.

I have a gut feeling that your daughter is now painfully aware of what an awful, inadequate parent her dad is. The upset that you see is most likely this realisation sinking in. Her next steps may go one of two ways. She may be preparing to stand up to him and tell him what she really feels and cut contact for good. Or she may be changing all her plans, so as to attempt once again to try to build a relationship that her dad seems totally unable to give her. I would advise you to not sit back and stay out of it this time. She may well need a little guidance so as his destructive treatment of her does not continue.

Your right this is the problem, she does feel guilty but does not want a relationship with him. I never want her to be able to say I stopped her seeing her dad which is why I leave it to her but she does talk with my mum and she also talks with my husband who does know her dad from being in the RAF.

She knows I hate him as it was an physical and emotionally abusive marriage which she has been told very little about as I do not want it to affect her opinion.

I have now rung her father and asked him to speak with his parents to stop sending txts and let her make her own mind up. He feels I should make her come to meet him but I have explained its her choice (If I made the choice I would cut all contact)

He said he wants a relationship but txt her twice a year! He says he sent her a card for christmas and she should start growing up. I did say it was the first one in years to which he replied why should he send her cards as she has never sent him one!

She is still at work but hopefully when she gets home we can get it sorted I think she just needs to make the decision and am getting very close to doing it for her.

Welshwoofs

cazaline wrote: »

She is still at work but hopefully when she gets home we can get it sorted I think she just needs to make the decision and am getting very close to doing it for her.

It sounds to me as though she's made the decision, but she's sticking her head in the sand about telling him what that decision is. At 16 it's understandable - telling your own Father than you don't want to see them is at best, daunting and at worst phecking terrifying!

That's why I think that if she really doesn't want to see him, then she should write him a letter as that will give her the scope to state her feelings (a 140 character text will not), but it is also removed from him so doesn't take as much courage.

My Mum, like you, never 'made' me see my Father when I was young. Unfortunately I felt duty bound to keep doing so because he'd tell me that he'd commit suicide if I ever stopped seeing him. His parents would also periodically tell me that I was 'getting too much like my Mother' and they'd apply for custody. I spent half of my childhood simultaneously scared that I'd be responsible for killing my Father if I didn't see him and also sick with dread at the prospect of seeing him. I didn't tell my Mother any of it until I hit my 20s at which point she was, understandably, horrified.

I tell you that because, like another poster, I'm not sure that 100% hands' off is always the best idea. If she really doesn't want to see him then I think you should get to the bottom of why that is. If, after a chat, she'd adamanant she doesn't then I think you should help her frame her feelings/desires to her Dad. Her ignoring him is not the answer - it is rude and it will just inflame the situation and your daughter's unhappiness. If she really doesn't want him in her life then I think you need to make her aware that's 'OK' and suggest the best way to handle that decision.

Best of luck.