child being intimidated by grandparents

cazaline

Hi

I wonder if anyone can give advice please?
My daughter is 16, very sweet and causes no problems at all, wise head on young shoulders most of the time!
Me and her father divorced when she was 3 and as he was in the RAF and re married quickly he had minimal input with her. When he re married it was very complicated but it ended one new year when my daughter was staying with him the police being called as him and his new wife were arguing and her two children were scared also.

She never asked anything of him (and very rarely got anything) He always felt she should ring him and when it was her 13th and for the first time she asked him to help pay for her limo party and he accused her of contacting him only when she wanted anything she was so upset and cut contact. She wanted to stay in contact with her grandparents who live 5 miles away because her uncle had had a new baby and she loved him to bits. She is not bothered too much about her grandparents as they make her feel uncomfortable and never contact her to arrange to meet but also feel she should ring them. I have a reasonable relationship with them to say hello and natter in town but when all this happened I rang them and asked them to keep out of it and let her make decisions about her dad and not to push her.

Needless to say when she sees them every 2 months they do say stuff like 'before we die we would love a family pic with you and his 3 rd wife's family or why will you not speak with him?

All my family including her stepdad of 10 years stay out of it. We always said it had to be her choice, mostly she goes to my mum if something is bothering her to discuss it. On her 16th in september her dad txt her and rang and they had a long chat. He still maintains she uses him and wont go stay with him despite her explaining he is like a stranger but they finally agreed to meet for a coffee if he came to visit his parents for an hour on his own.

He finally txt her (again no card etc.) on boxing day and asked her to meet for a coffee, when I picked her up from her grandparents on boxing day after she spent the day she seemed upset so I asked her and she said she didnt want to, she is working a lot this xmas in her part time job doing extra hours at asda and he wants to meet but sheis not sure so ignored the text.

today her grandparents have txt her 10 mins before she started work to say they are dissapointed she cannot spare 1hr to see him before he goes back on wednesday. she is really upset.

I rang them and spoke to nanna who said they have every right to tell her what to do and voice there opinion, i explained they had agreed to keep out of it 3 year ago and let her make her own mind up. she said it is up to my daughter not me despite me explaining I have nothing to do with it but they had really upset her and should just leave it to her and her dad.

My daughter isn't home until 2000 and is now thinking of canceling the party she was going to with friends on NYE to see him to stop any trouble. I dont want her to do this after she has been so looking forward to this. She just feels sorry for that side of the family and wants to see her cousin or else I think she would cut contact but I hate seeing her upset.

Any suggestions (apart from taking a hit out on them!!!), I know she is 16 but we are very close and I hate seeing her hurt.:(

BitterAndTwisted

You've very wisely let her make her own decisions so far, and have encouraged other members of the family to do the same, so right now it should up to her what she decides to do. If she cancels her NYE plans to see her father and regrets that decision there will be no-one else to blame but herself and very possibly him. I wouldn't give her my opinion about what to do either way.

KxMx

I don't have any advice but have been in a similar situation. Parents split when I was 10 and brother 13, we came back to the UK and he stayed in the US (he is american).
Brother chose for reasons which are not mine to disclose to cut all contact with my Dad.
He is now 29 and grandparents still write to him and in his words "preach at him" to speak to Dad.
Dad put forward the view to me that he (dad) is their son and they only want to make things better for his benefit which I accept. However brother is 29 and not a 13 year old boy and well able to know his own mind!!
I only stopped the suggestions by grandparents that I act as a go between by Dad/brother by repeatedly telling them no way, it is between the two of them.

These kinds of situations are hard on all involved and all I can suggest is advising your DD to do what makes her happy even if it upsets those she loves. And I mean this in the best way, leave it to your DD and her dad usually means not getting involved yourself, even though it has been upsetting for you, you are saying to the gp's "leave it between them but I can also get involved" which isn't leaving it between them at all and may be viewed by them as double standards and an ok for them to be involved after all!

cazaline

Hi

Thanks for your posts. It has to be her decision but I am just asking them to step back and leave her alone to do so.

Whenever it is a big occasion such as her 13th and then NYE for her first big party they seem to have to spoil it for her and as she hates upsetting others she will probably go without herself

I dont voice my opinion but am very tempted to make it easy for her and just forbid her to see any of them except her uncle and aunt to make it easy and so she doesnt feel guilty:mad:

sassyblue

cazaline wrote: »

I rang them and spoke to nanna who said they have every right to tell her what to do and voice there opinion, i explained they had agreed to keep out of it 3 year ago and let her make her own mind up. she said it is up to my daughter not me despite me explaining I have nothing to do with it but they had really upset her and should just leave it to her and her dad.

My daughter isn't home until 2000 and is now thinking of canceling the party she was going to with friends on NYE to see him to stop any trouble. I dont want her to do this after she has been so looking forward to this. She just feels sorry for that side of the family and wants to see her cousin or else I think she would cut contact but I hate seeing her upset.
(

Write them a polite letter explaining that because they choose to voice their opinion they are driving away your daughter who is now reluctant to see them by choice - only to keep the peace, which will eventually destroy their relationship if it continues.

Explain your daughter works and has minimal spare time, therefore making her feel pressurised to see every Tom, !!!!!! and Harry will also drive her away.

And finally tell your daughter to enjoy the NYE she had planned.

They sound pushy and demanding and if she gives in to that behaviour they will never change. Well done you for letting her make her own choices so far. X

Dunroamin

If it only takes an hour to see her dad, why does she need to cancel going to the party?

cazaline

Dunroamin wrote: »

If it only takes an hour to see her dad, why does she need to cancel going to the party?

It isn't about that its only an hour its more the point she doesn't want to see him but her only opportunity would be NYE as she is working Tuesday and he leaves Wednesday.

dktreesea

Blood is blood. She's a typical 16 year old, it seems to me, who just sees things from her point of view. Her Dad is just a human being, with lots of failings, like everyone else. Surely 16 years old is enough to give him, and her grandparents a break, and pop in and see him for an hour?

Could she not pop in on the Tuesday, before or after work, if she doesn't want to pop by on NYE?

Sambucus_Nigra

If she doesn't want to see him then she doesn't have to change anything.

McKneff

So the whole reason is 'she doesn't want to see him them'

balletshoes

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

If she doesn't want to see him then she doesn't have to change anything.

exactly - and I'm another one who doesn't understand why, if she doesn't want to see him at all, she would not go to her NYE party at all? What sense does that make?

Thing is, she's going to have make a stand - she either gives in to the pressure from her Dad and grandparents and meets her Dad for an hour over a coffee in a public place (which honestly sounds like a good compromise on both sides, as they're both more likely to be on their best behaviour in public) or she decides she doesn't want to meet her Dad this time round, and tells everyone so. If she's upset by her grandparents text, frankly she needs to toughen up a bit - her grandparents clearly feel they are justified in texting what they did, on the face of it it doesn't sound nasty, just them saying what they thought.