Tricky situation - don't know what to do!

cavework

bestpud wrote: »

Not in mine either!

My daughter was horrified - she still is over a month later!

Well some parents are more controlled than others but some parents don't have to handle things others do.
Parents are Human beings .
Your daughter is very lucky to have you and is a sensible well balanced girl.
x

RevolvingDoor

It sounds like a terrible situation. I would want to ensure that poor girl is safe from her mother as she is obviously unstable and abusive.:(

saddo1 wrote: »

cavework- is it ever acceptable to hold another human by the neck and insult them? not in my world

I completely agree, especially to do that to her own daughter. People would have a different reaction if a male parent acted that way.

cavework

TBH this is a true and honest replyto your post .
Girls of 18 often have no idea of their true sexuality. Girls of 18 usually resent their parents and want to kick out and prove they know what they want, the more shocking they can make this , the better.
This girl may truly be in love with your daughter but might also be the same as any 18 yr old involved with a guy or a girl ...
Just watch out for your daughter .
PS
your a fantastic Mum.
xx

bestpud

Dunroamin wrote: »

Could the daughter come out to her other family members and look to them to support her in this and to talk some sense into her mother?

She's too afraid of her mum but it's more like she loves her too much to go against her.

She doesn't actually seem afraid of violence, more of her mum becoming stressed or killing herself.

It's a complex relationship they have.

She apparently made her mum make arrangements for her younger sibling to live with her if the mum kills herself....

There is lots of wider family members around though so I'll suggest it.

cavework

I completely agree, especially to do that to her own daughter. People would have a different reaction if a male parent acted that way.

Why?
It's not acceptable but it is understandable.
Being a parent is darned hard work and the older they get the harder it gets.
When all the vocal warnings , patience and excuses get worn out , what is the option?
Kick them out or find a way to get them to listen.
I am not condoning fierce physical violence here , I am saying that possibly there are many who have grabbed their teenagers arm , body just to try to get them to listen when all else fails

RevolvingDoor

cavework wrote: »

I completely agree, especially to do that to her own daughter. People would have a different reaction if a male parent acted that way.

Why?
It's not acceptable but it is understandable.
Being a parent is darned hard work and the older they get the harder it gets.
When all the vocal warnings , patience and excuses get worn out , what is the option?
Kick them out or find a way to get them to listen.
I am not condoning fierce physical violence here , I am saying that possibly there are many who have grabbed their teenagers arm , body just to try to get them to listen when all else fails

But the girl was grabbed by the throat and all she had done "wrong" is to be honest about her sexuality and who she is as a person.

cavework

NO.. my point is , is she being honest with herself about her sexuality or is she just looking for a way out with from her controlling mother?
was she just using a shock factor?
"Mum I am gay "
Did she know this would push "Mums" buttons?
Sorry , I am playing Devils advocate here but I have seen this happen before and the innocent party, the one who cares ends up getting really badly hurt.
I truly hope it works out well
xx

bestpud

cavework wrote: »

NO.. my point is , is she being honest with herself about her sexuality or is she just looking for a way out with from her controlling mother?
was she just using a shock factor?
"Mum I am gay "
Did she know this would push "Mums" buttons?
Sorry , I am playing Devils advocate here but I have seen this happen before and the innocent party, the one who cares ends up getting really badly hurt.
I truly hope it works out well
xx

I understand what you mean about frustration as we had a nightmare with our son. Many a time I felt like whacking him, I can tell you! The final straw was when he raised his fist to me though. I can't resort to violence and I sure as hell won't take it from my children either!

I have wondered if there is an element of winding up mum going on and I've shared my thoughts with my daughter.

My husband and I wondered if she might like feeling wanted by both of them.

My daughter won't be drawn into long conversations about anything to do with the mother and whether the girlfriend should go places her mum won't like - she just says she'd love her to go and to let her know when she's decided what she is doing.

I warned her against getting involved in their arguments very early on and she's stuck to that thank goodness .

She does feel she should have done something when the mum had her by the throat though - she feels quite guilty about that.

bestpud

Thank you all for replying.

At least I know it's not only me who is a little unsure what is going on!

It's always hard to know if you're being too subjective when a family member is involved!

cavework

bestspud,
Just go with your gut feelings but it is your daughter who has to decide if this relationship is worth fighting for.
Your kids tell you when things are wrong in their relationships, you give advice and worry yourself to death and 2 weeks later they have sorted it ( or moved on ) and wonder why you have got yourself so worked up ..:mad:
You are a brilliant Mum :A