Tricky situation - don't know what to do!

bestpud

I don't normally go for this type of post but I'm unsure what to do and could do with objective views, please.

My eldest daughter has a girlfriend she thinks the world of and I have no reason to believe the feeling isn't mutual. We get on great with her girlfriend but, sadly, her mother is struggling to accept her daughter likes females.

I can kind of understand it might be difficult for some parents but I am concerned at the way the mother treats her own daughter and talks about my daughter.

They got on fine until she realised they were in a relationship but since then she has been awful.

My daughter is 20 and her girlfriend is 18. They've been together around 8 months but the mother wasn't told until around 6 weeks ago.

My daughter was very upset when the mum went off on one with her daughter and, at one point, had her daughter by the throat telling her she hated her.

She has also dragged her into her car, removed her money so she can't visit my daughter and taken her phone off her because she talks to my daughter too much.

She has been told they can only see each other once a month and she is constantly on the phone pestering her when they are together.

Thing is, the girlfriend loves her mum to bits and is very upset about the whole scenario. She wants to move out but that will be tough at the best of times because they are close but also because the mother seems to have manipulation and emotional blackmail off to a fine art.

The mother threatens to commit suicide a lot and has told my daughter she doesn't 'live' but rather exists for her children.

They both work and have had a chance of moving into a shared house but, thank goodness, my daughter can see it at could be fraught with problems and it would be better for the girlfriend to move out alone and break the apron strings so to speak.

My problem is the effect this is all having on my daughter. It's really upsetting her.

Also, the mother has said things like she wishes my daughter was dead and she wants her out of the picture as she is convinced she is brain washing her daughter and trying to come between them. She isn't - it's the other way round!

Given we know she can be violent, I really don't know whether I should be even more worried than I am...

They have tried calling off the relationship but it didn't last long as they missed each other.

I'm at a loss as to what to do, if anything.

A big part of me wants to tell this woman my daughter doesn't deserve to be treated like this and she does have a family who are aware of the things she is saying!

I don't know though - I'm also thinking they are adults and I should butt out and just be there for support. I have advised my daughter to be careful around this woman as she isn't stable and could act unpredictably. It's worrying to put it mildly!

Any thoughts welcome - sorry it is a long!

SCFC1961

So sorry, do not want to 'read and run' but I don't know what to say.

Sending ((hugs)) and hope that someone can be more helpful and supportive to you.

londonsurrey

The gf has issues and is suffering from domestic violence. I'd suggest counselling and help achieving independence.

Your attitude is very supportive, but unfortunately it looks like the mother is not one who is just going to butt out anytime soon. All you can do is be there for your daughter, and find out about support groups and organisations so that the gf can be made aware of them to store at the back of her mind for when she is ready to make use of them.

Jinx

If it were my daughters girlfriend in this scenario - I would be hoping/advising/helping the girlfriend move out of the mothers house asap or if that wasnt possible and they were serious Id offer a home to the girl.

DannyBo

There are plenty of things that can be done. If its only been 6 weeks for the gf's mother, then maybe in time she will get used to the situation - family mediation could also be an option and there are specialist organisations able to counsel.

It all depends on what kind of person the mother is - if the daughter 'loves her to bits' then it sounds like she isn't a complete ogress.

prowla

At 18 and 20 they can decide what they are going to do, and everybody else can either accept it or go their own way.

jaqui59

I would not want that awful sounding woman anywhere near my daughter, and I would warn her strongly not to go anywhere near her ... I feel very sad for the other girl, but cant think of anything to say other than she needs to get out of there, but I realise that is easier said than done.

saddo1

there are support organizations for parents- would she acccess these? gayfamilysupport.com and fflag.org.uk .

the violenec however is completely unacceptable- can she move out? stay elsewhere while her mum comes to terms with it? not fair on the gf to have to manage her mothers violenec and intolerance

bestpud

The girlfriend realises she needs counselling and asked my daughter to go with her. She told her she'd support her and go with her to the meeting place if it would help but she would need to see the counsellor alone.

We think it is domestic violence too, but it is mostly manipulation so I and my daughter are being careful to support her without telling her what we think she should do.

She knows she could come to our house but it would be with a view to her having breathing space while she found some help and a place to live. Not that we don't want her here - it's more that their relationship is difficult enough without the pressure of them living here together.

What I can't be sure of is how much of this is to do with the daughter coming out or whether she has always been like this. She's certainly very controlling but this seems over the top.

cavework

Girls of 18 do get involved in same sex relationships , it's part of growing up but often it is a short lived thing
Is she really honestly in love with your daughter or is she looking for a way out of the relationship she has with her Mum?
The shock value of this relationship
I would hate to see your daughter get hurt if this is the case.

meritaten

I wonder if this woman would be the same with any relationship her DD has??? some women just cannot let go and no person would be the 'right' one for thier child.
I think your daughter is right bestpud, her gf has to cut the apron strings herself - which doesnt mean you cannot help and support her! its probably going to take time, and patience on you and DDs part, but if they are serious about each other then it has to be done!