22 year old son stealing from me

Loretta

I really need some advice urgently. My son is 22 and is living at home. He has never been good with money and spends it as soon as he gets it which although not OK, as he has no financial responsibilities it was not yet a major problem. If he had a big purchase ie a new (secondhand) car or car insurance I would lend him the money and he would pay it back and had really got the hang of it and understood if he paid it back properly he could borrow again for another big purchase. I would not let him borrow bits and pieces here and there.

Over the past few months this has changed, he has become desperate for money all the time and has not just been asking to borrow money but getting very persistant bordering on harrassing to get money from me. Despite having a large circle of friends who we have all known for years and up until recently a busy social life recently he does not seem to have been quite the same, he has no decent clothes or trainers, nothing to show for what he is earning and is not taking are of himself as he used to. It is very difficult for him to get up in the morning and is quite happy to sleep until the early afternoon, often missing work. He now never has any credit on his phone which is his lifeline

Lately money has been missing from my purse, first of all pound coins and more recently £10 and £20. He borrows my phone in the evening and I now get phone calls from people I do not recognise asking for him. I sometimes see text messages although for the past couple of weeks he has been deleting them.

Things came to a head today.

I heard my phone beep and looked at the text message, it was for him and sounded quite threatening, saying 50 was not enough and he had to pay a lot more this evening

I was worried about this and when I got home and was checking my bank online I noticed that there had been 3 withdrawals from the cashpoint using my card, last Thursday £40, Saturday £60 & Sunday £40 at times when I know were not me. I phoned the bank and they told me the cashpoint that was used which confirmed it definitely wasn't me. I spoke to him and at first he said it wasn't him but I told a bit of a story and he admitted it.

This is unlike him and something is definitely not right, he has been very moody and quick to lose his temper which is not at all like him and he is very very worried about something. He said he owed some mates some money and that they always lent money to each other, but I don't believe that it is as simple as that. I yelled and told him to go.

About half an hour later I phoned him and said, calmly, that I knew that something was wrong and he must decide if he wanted to tell me and however bad it was I would help him sort it out or he must leave home straight away because I could not have this going on, taking money from my purse was bad enough but using my card was much worse. I haven't yet checked how often this has happened before. He said he was not ready to talk to me just yet and would stay with his friend for a few days and decide. The friend lives at home and is fine.

I am sure that he has got into something and is out of his depth and I am very worried it is drugs. His friends are good lads, all working and mostly still living at home and I have no reason to think they are all involved in drugs but I can't think of anything else. We are communicating and I will phone him each day to make sure he is alright but until he tells me I can't help. We usually have a good relationship.

My husband, his father, is useless and thinks if he ignores it, or more likely doesn't bother, it will all turn out alright, he has always been like this

If anyone has had something similar or can offer any advice I would be very grateful as I do not know what to do for the ebst.

snowmaid

Loretta wrote: »

I really need some advice urgently. My son is 22 and is living at home. He has never been good with money and spends it as soon as he gets it which although not OK, as he has no financial responsibilities it was not yet a major problem. If he had a big purchase ie a new (secondhand) car or car insurance I would lend him the money and he would pay it back and had really got the hang of it and understood if he paid it back properly he could borrow again for another big purchase. I would not let him borrow bits and pieces here and there.

Over the past few months this has changed, he has become desperate for money all the time and has not just been asking to borrow money but getting very persistant bordering on harrassing to get money from me. Despite having a large circle of friends who we have all known for years and up until recently a busy social life recently he does not seem to have been quite the same, he has no decent clothes or trainers, nothing to show for what he is earning and is not taking are of himself as he used to. It is very difficult for him to get up in the morning and is quite happy to sleep until the early afternoon, often missing work. He now never has any credit on his phone which is his lifeline

Lately money has been missing from my purse, first of all pound coins and more recently £10 and £20. He borrows my phone in the evening and I now get phone calls from people I do not recognise asking for him. I sometimes see text messages although for the past couple of weeks he has been deleting them.

Things came to a head today.

I heard my phone beep and looked at the text message, it was for him and sounded quite threatening, saying 50 was not enough and he had to pay a lot more this evening

I was worried about this and when I got home and was checking my bank online I noticed that there had been 3 withdrawals from the cashpoint using my card, last Thursday £40, Saturday £60 & Sunday £40 at times when I know were not me. I phoned the bank and they told me the cashpoint that was used which confirmed it definitely wasn't me. I spoke to him and at first he said it wasn't him but I told a bit of a story and he admitted it.

This is unlike him and something is definitely not right, he has been very moody and quick to lose his temper which is not at all like him and he is very very worried about something. He said he owed some mates some money and that they always lent money to each other, but I don't believe that it is as simple as that. I yelled and told him to go.

About half an hour later I phoned him and said, calmly, that I knew that something was wrong and he must decide if he wanted to tell me and however bad it was I would help him sort it out or he must leave home straight away because I could not have this going on, taking money from my purse was bad enough but using my card was much worse. I haven't yet checked how often this has happened before. He said he was not ready to talk to me just yet and would stay with his friend for a few days and decide. The friend lives at home and is fine.

I am sure that he has got into something and is out of his depth and I am very worried it is drugs. His friends are good lads, all working and mostly still living at home and I have no reason to think they are all involved in drugs but I can't think of anything else. We are communicating and I will phone him each day to make sure he is alright but until he tells me I can't help. We usually have a good relationship.

My husband, his father, is useless and thinks if he ignores it, or more likely doesn't bother, it will all turn out alright, he has always been like this

If anyone has had something similar or can offer any advice I would be very grateful as I do not know what to do for the ebst.

Go onto the 'frank' website - http://www.talktofrank.com/home_html.aspx where it lists all the symptoms of drug taking. It sounds to me as if your son has got himself into some kind of trouble, be it drugs, gambling or something else. Give them a call and have a chat.

This is a terrible position for you to be in and the fact that he is now threatning you where he never used to, is an indication that there is something dreadfully wrong.

You first need to establish what the problem is. Whatever it is, you are going to have a to take a hard stand with him which is going to break your heart. But you definitely need professional advice to handle this.

xx

Tam_Lin

My first thought is drugs too. The first thing you must do is change the PIN on your card so that even if he gets hold of it, he won't be able to use it. Consider not keeping cash in the house and hiding your purse.

Aside from that, it's encouraging that he seems as if he might talk to you eventually. Keep the doors of communication open.

paddy's_mum

What a nasty situation for you and how upset and vulnerable it must be making you feel.

I have to say that my first thought was either drugs or else some form of deep depression.

If you are able to do so, and your son is not yet able to talk to you about things, would his friend be willing to talk to you and maybe shed some light on the situation.

In the interval, I would suggest that you make absolutely sure that your cash, cards, bankbooks, etc are firmly under your control so that they cannot be tampered with again.

If it helps, a dear friend of mine hides anything she doesn't want found in a tupperware box in the bowels of the freezer. Seems to work as her hubby hasn't found her nestegg yet! Good luck.

poe.tuesday

it may well be drugs but do not jump to any conclusions, it may also be gambling, the first thing to do it to ask him if he is in trouble and that (if you are willing of course) to bail him out this once so he is not getting the treatening texts but in turn you have to be told the truth as to what is going on, then lay the law down

If he is not going out and still sleeping all day then the drugs will not be coke or e's and given that these are more social drugs the likely hood of him taking these is slim, he could well be smoking hash, staying up all night smoking and on the PC then sleeping all day - but you would know if he was smoking purely from the smell - do you smell anything?

I have taken many drugs in the past, used to be a hard core party goer so let me know your thoughts and I will see if I can help but I would suggest that if he is taking drugs that you find out what they are if you can and educate yourself and him about them before you pass judgement or get too worried

good luck

LifeisEvenbetter

Loretta so sorry to hear about your situation. Agree with others on this thread - find out as much as you can about drugs/gambling/depression etc. It maybe none of these things but finding out more about them will help you identify if there are any signs of drug taking/gambling etc.

Keeping communications open is very important too. If your son feels that he can talk to you and that you will not make any judgements he will talk to you when he is ready. Until that time your calm but firm approach will hopefully help. In the meantime, I agree with Paddy's Mum about keeping your cards etc firmly in your control.

Best wishes with it all.

Loretta

Thank you to all of you for replying. I don't know how to quote bits of the replies so I will comment on it all this way! I have 2 older children but never had to deal with a drug issue with them so I am quite new to this as a problem.

I feel that he has got into some kind of trouble, maybe trying to be clever and has now got completely out of his depth. I feel, a gut instinct, that it is drugs in some way. I will look at the frank site. It has been building up and I felt just this afternoon that I had reached a crisis and had to make a firm stand. I have been hiding my money for a while, which is a horrible way to live, but I was shocked about the card, because of where we live it is quite an effort to get to a cashpoint in the normal way without having to do take my card sneekily and to do it at least 3 times, I haven't yet checked how many more times, but I realise that it has happened before but I needed to think about it because I couldn't work out how it could happen, I never thought he would know how to do this let alone actually do it. I will change my pin tomorrow.

I don't know about him being depressed but he is definitely very worried and not at all his usual easygoing self.

What a good idea about speaking to his friend. I will contact him and tell him that I want to sort this out, although his friend may not want to speak to me straight away at least he will know that I am here if he finds he cannot cope with the problem and he can persuade my son that I am here to help.

I have told him several times in the past few weeks that if he will tell me what is wrong and there is so obviously something badly wrong, I will help him sort it out but I can't if I don't know what is happening. I said to him that as he is my 3rd child I am sure that I have dealt with it all before with my older 2 (they are 34 & 36 but they are all very close). Although they are this age they are very aware and my daughter who is single is a great party girl and has spoken to him on several occasions over the years about drugs. A few weeks ago I suggested that he spoke to them and they would help, they are both very able, if he preferred but he won't. They have both told him that I may yell a bit at first but that I will ALWAYS be on their side whatever it is about.

Once I know exactly what all this is about I will bail him out if I can or at least help but I do not want to make it too easy and do a quick fix because that won't help in the long term. He must himself be sure that this is the end of whatever it is.

He is definitely smoking weed, I can smell it in his car and on his clothes and he is doing a lot of sleeping etc as you have said,and staying up all hours with his friends, sitting about, not going out everywhere like they used to. I thought with the summer starting they may all start going out and about alot but this year this has not really happened yet which is also unusual. He used to run out of money but now he really does not seem to have any ever even the day after pay day.

I have tried with my children to be realistic and keep them off the hard drugs rather than go on about something I am not going to succeed in and alienate them in the process. I had my first 2 when I was very young and they are both very strong minded and quite a handful but we got there in the end! but I never had a drug problem to deal with. My younger son was much easier, or perhaps I was older, and I never thought that I would have this to deal with with him and it all seems to have happened quite suddenly.

From reading these texts I feel he is in danger and I know that getting involved with the people to do with drugs, let alone taking them, can be very dangerous indeed and that is what is worrying me the most, and not knowing what I am trying to deal with.

You are all being so helpful - thank you

poe.tuesday

if he's smoking hash then do not automatically think that it will lead to harder drugs, personalilty will determine which route someone goes.

keep your cool and let me know if I can help you in anyway - I have been involved with drugs and people with drugs from a very young age but I am not anti drugs - I beleive in education and choice

Loretta

poe.tuesday wrote: »

if he's smoking hash then do not automatically think that it will lead to harder drugs, personalilty will determine which route someone goes.

keep your cool and let me know if I can help you in anyway - I have been involved with drugs and people with drugs from a very young age but I am not anti drugs - I beleive in education and choice

I do think that this is drug related and sometimes first instincts are correct. Although he is smoking weed, and I presume that his friends are too, they do all seem to be leading 'normal' lives, all have jobs etc, I have not noticed that any of them have a problem with drugs. A couple get drunk sometimes, but they could well grow out of this and my son has said that he is fed up with them getting drunk because they are so stupid and show themselves up when they are like it, he has mentioned this several times lately. Apart from a couple of times when he was younger I have not seen him drunk and seems to go for a beer with his mates without drinking too much every time, maybe too much to drive, he stays with a friend on those nights, but not drunk.

However what I am most concerned about is that he seems to be worried, scared even, about whatever the situation is, he is receiving threatening texts, he is becoming secretive which he never has been, he is behaving out of character, he is usually very easygoing, he is desperate for money, and I am very concerned he is in some sort of danger. If drugs are involved

I was a 60's child and although I never did weed I know people my age who have always used it all their lives for relaxation and have led 'normal' lives, held down jobs, brought up families etc without a problem.

If he is smoking weed I would prefer him not to but I am not frantic with worry about it, and I have told him several times to treat it like alcohol and not drive afterwards, but there is something more and I am worried about him being pressured by someone, owing money to the 'wrong people' in some way to do with drugs. I am concerned that some harm will happen to him. It is unlike him to be worried about anything at all, and he is definitely not coping with this.

I would be grateful for any advice you feel would help

Little_Miss_Winner

Hi Loretta.

I have been reading through your thread, and really feel for you. I can't say i know what you are going through, as my 3 are only little (i have got all this to come:o )
But my initial gut reaction is that although it may well be drugs, I think you have hit the nail on the head here..

but there is something more and I am worried about him being pressured by someone, owing money to the 'wrong people' in some way to do with drugs.

he is definately being bullied by someone, and he seems scared to death by it.

I think he will tell you in his own time, he is going to have to now you have found out about the cash going missing.
Deep down although your reaction probably won't be what he his hoping for he probably also knows that you will do whatever you can to help him through it.

I would leave him be for the moment, as on top of whatever he is going through, the reality for him as well, is that he is going to let his parents down.
And that, at 22 can be really hard to deal with.

Hugs to you, and keep us posted, we are always around if you need us.

pot
x

snowmaid

To look at it from another perspective, while I agree that at times its best to give space, in this instance I wonder if it wouldn't be better to try and gently draw him out?

He is scared about something, without trying to alarm, how does one know if his life isn't being threatened? If it is, he needs help now. Perhaps phone a professional organisation such as frank or some other family organisation for help and advice. Depending on the situation, IF his life is being threatened etc, it may be necessary for the authorities to be involved etc.

I would rather try and draw him out now, than be sorry further down the line.

However, only you know your son or how far you can push him to confide in you.