Family Court Experience (Contact Order)

shoe*diva79

I have received a letter from CAFCASS yesterday saying they are going to contact me and the ex by phone before the hearing.

Im annoyed today as LO is with her father this weekend. She has quite a strict bedtime routine and when its not followed it takes days to get her back into it (she is only 2). Last night I went out with friends and we left from my friends house - she lives next door to ex - at 9pm. Ex wasn't home so DD wasnt in bed! Dropped my friend home on my way home around 2am this morning and he was home then so I know they were out somewhere last night. It makes my evenings SO difficult when she comes home because she is out of her routine.

shoe*diva79

Furthermore to my annoyance earlier on today, my DD father lied to me this evening when I asked what time she went to bed last night. She usually goes down between 6-7pm. Any later she gets herself over tired and all worked up and can take several hours to settle. This then causes issues with her wanting to nap in the day time then go to bed later so can be unsettling for several days.

When I asked what time she went to bed last night his response was 'A little bit later then usual as she wouldnt settle after her story so I brought her back downstairs for a couple of hours'
I asked again what time she went to bed and he said 'around 9ish' so I called his bluff as I knew they were not home at 9pm. He eventually said 10.15pm. I explained about her routine and how difficult it is to get her back into it, and how easy it is for him and he wont have to worry for the next 5 days/nights if I am struggling to get her back to her usual.

Am I over reacting?

VikkiiKawaii

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Furthermore to my annoyance earlier on today, my DD father lied to me this evening when I asked what time she went to bed last night. She usually goes down between 6-7pm. Any later she gets herself over tired and all worked up and can take several hours to settle. This then causes issues with her wanting to nap in the day time then go to bed later so can be unsettling for several days.

When I asked what time she went to bed last night his response was 'A little bit later then usual as she wouldnt settle after her story so I brought her back downstairs for a couple of hours'
I asked again what time she went to bed and he said 'around 9ish' so I called his bluff as I knew they were not home at 9pm. He eventually said 10.15pm. I explained about her routine and how difficult it is to get her back into it, and how easy it is for him and he wont have to worry for the next 5 days/nights if I am struggling to get her back to her usual.

Am I over reacting?

I'd be more worried about where had taken a two year old until 9pm at night. I don't think that's an overreaction at all. If my LO (eight months) gets out of her bedtime routine she has a couple of bad days and you quite rightly said he doesn't actually have to deal with it.

Mrs.W_2

daska wrote: »

Absolutely you can, though it will help if you have evidence of excessive drinking to help support this request. ...

May I ask what constitutes evidence in this situation? Is it a case of friends/family members making a statement about witnessing repeated excessive drinking?

Sommer43

Shoe-diva

Hi there, I have been through Family Court on many occasions, I am a mother. What always amazes me, is two people who have a child and both are content with the care given by each other and then split happens, and all sorts of allegations are slung at each other about parenting skills. I don't condone drinking when a person has sole responsibility for a child, (and I am a recovering alchoholic and not touched a drop for two years) however, picking apart your ex partner's parenting skills, will only be damaging down the line in court and drag the situation out and make it long and hard. My ex husband reported me for drinking, he was right, I was, however, and my children are now 21 & 19 and they claim as adults now, it was the worst time of their childhood.

Go to court, it is not as daunting as it seems, you're not on trial, neither is he. He wants regular contact, you have stated that he messes you around with contact, this could be just the ticket for it all to settle down. A father who wants contact with his child? I would certainly say that sounds like a father who wants to see his child. If he wants to see his child, and she comes home irritable then ask him politley and firmly if he will stick to her regular bed time to avoid an irritable child. The odd late night will not harm her, but also don't make it look as though you're spying on him.

rpc

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

I would feel happier if I know he wasnt drinking (around a bottle of wine and 2 litres of cider a evening) Personally I feel thats to much when looking after her.

Blummin eck! That's too much without a child to look after! With the year we've had, we would never drink to the point we couldn't make sensible decisions if something happened. Don't mind us both being over the drink drive limit (can always get a taxi) but if kids get ill or whatever you need to be compos mentis.

Run with this, go to court. Then record every time he does not collect/drop off in line with the contact order. If he ever wants contact at a time not specified in the order you can wave it at him and tell him to stick to it. If you want.

shoe*diva79

Sommer43 wrote: »

Shoe-diva

Hi there, I have been through Family Court on many occasions, I am a mother. What always amazes me, is two people who have a child and both are content with the care given by each other and then split happens, and all sorts of allegations are slung at each other about parenting skills. I don't condone drinking when a person has sole responsibility for a child, (and I am a recovering alchoholic and not touched a drop for two years) however, picking apart your ex partner's parenting skills, will only be damaging down the line in court and drag the situation out and make it long and hard. My ex husband reported me for drinking, he was right, I was, however, and my children are now 21 & 19 and they claim as adults now, it was the worst time of their childhood.

Go to court, it is not as daunting as it seems, you're not on trial, neither is he. He wants regular contact, you have stated that he messes you around with contact, this could be just the ticket for it all to settle down. A father who wants contact with his child? I would certainly say that sounds like a father who wants to see his child. If he wants to see his child, and she comes home irritable then ask him politley and firmly if he will stick to her regular bed time to avoid an irritable child. The odd late night will not harm her, but also don't make it look as though you're spying on him.

Im not picking holes. When we were together his drinking was a issue however, I wouldn't drink so was able to take care of our daughter. Now we are split up I don't think its unreasonable to request he doesn't drink excessively. Im not saying do not drink what so ever, but maybe limit it to a glass or 2 of wine.

I was also not spying on him, circumstance put me in the right place at the right time and altho I don't mind the odd late night for her, what I do not condone is him lying to my face about it. In front of her - which at 2 she wont understand but she will eventually. This isn't the first occasion he has lied to me regarding our daughter and if he cant tell the truth on the 'small stuff' what else will he lie about?

I will be attending court and have made a list of things to raise with the CAFCASS person.

In addition, i confirmed arrangements for the rest of December with him last night and within a hour he was trying to swap days around, change times etc. i told him straight that he has asked for contact every other weekend and he would have to arrange his social life around having his daughter. A hard concept for him to understand and ill be making it clear to CAFCASS and whoever else that I am not willing for him to flit in and out of her life when his social life permits. He sees her regularly and consistently (which I continually try to promote) or he bu!!ers off!

shoe*diva79

rpc wrote: »

Blummin eck! That's too much without a child to look after! With the year we've had, we would never drink to the point we couldn't make sensible decisions if something happened. Don't mind us both being over the drink drive limit (can always get a taxi) but if kids get ill or whatever you need to be compos mentis.

Run with this, go to court. Then record every time he does not collect/drop off in line with the contact order. If he ever wants contact at a time not specified in the order you can wave it at him and tell him to stick to it. If you want.

I am starting a diary. For all parties concerned t would be nice if things could be flexible, but his behaviour is so selfish I am finding it very hard to want to be flexible. I am happy to have my daughter home all the time if he has something more important on then spending time with her, but I worry that the length of time between visits will be damaging to her. Hence why I have insisted he sees her at our agreed times.

For example, this coming weekend is 'his weekend' - 5pm Friday until 6pm saturday. He has already asked if I can have her saturday night and all day sunday. Means he wont see her again until 26th for boxing day. I said he could then drop her home on sunday 30th as its 'his weekend' and he now wants to bring her back on friday 28th as he has something on that weekend!!!

So thats two of his weekends in a row he cant have her for the full amount of time.

Does not sound like the most committed father to me...

Sommer43

Hum,

I am not stating that drinking is not an issue, I have no reason to court that it is. I was ordered by the courts that my children were to live with their father, due to my state of mind. What I am stating is, and I kicked off when I found out my husband his girlfriend move in that you should not report what he does in his own time with your daughter, unless you have grave concerns that he is unable to care for her.

If his drinking was an issue when you were together, then you had a right to question that. As you are no longer together, then it is of no concern to you what he does with his time. It is of your concern that your daughter is cared for in his care and responsibly, that I do agree with. But, and I do stick up for dads, as thankfully my ex husband was and is a brilliant one, despite his behaviour to me, he is the one who has put the wheels in motion for a contact order, he is the one who wants to see his daughter and sometimes, life has a habit of not sticking to plans. A contact order will favour you, it will set out times for collection and drop off, and I do believe that, this is very much a committed father. Have at any time your plans never changed with your daughter so that she cannot visit him? That may well happen in the future, will you then be an uncommitted mother if he makes a fuss when your plans change? Child contact issues are vexing topics and no judge is going to turn down a contact approach from a father. You were happy enough to have a child with this man, he is her father, your daughter deserves the right to have a relationship with her father, you go into court and begin to raise concerns about his role as a father, you are inviting trouble, and those who pick up a hot coal to throw at someone, often gets burnt themselves first. I know, I lost my residency battle and I spent five years looking through the bottom of a wine bottle. Am not saying that will happen to you, but I can see what is happening here, you started off stating that he has applied for a contact order, that he has open access and seemingly surprsied at this, as the thread goes on, you're attacking his role as a father, I can almost see the courtroom now. You're on a slippery slope to a court battle that will wear you out, cost you money and tying this up for years, as she is so young. Keep your side of the street clean, if he breaks his own that he has applied for, then he will cook his own goose.

shoe*diva79

I just wanted to update..

We had court on Tuesday. A Interim order was granted and another hearing set for February. My ex had to do 2 undertakings - the first that he will not drink 48 hours prior to contact or whilst he has staying contact and the second regarding someone he occasionally leaves Our DD with.

The next hearing is to determine if he has our DD in the week as well as every other weekend. I want him to have her overnight once a week (say a wednesday) plus every other weekend. He is refusing the wednesday visit.