Family Court Experience (Contact Order)

shoe*diva79

krok wrote: »

Understand what you are saying but if you look at all the threads the op has started you will see she contradicts herself.
She has seven threads just on this subject . If you look at them you will understand why i dont believe her .

Nothing more to say on this matter as the op is clearly deluded.

Feel free to point out where I contradict myself or lie or whatever. I will be happy to explain.

Sommer43

If, he's an alcoholic, then he shouldn't be having any access to his child, unless he's had a good period of sobriety. I think I have said this on many occasions in this thread, along with stating that I hope your daughter, eventually, manages to have a secure, healthy balanced relationship with both her parents. As is her right.

If he's an alcoholic, then why would you trust her with him during the day and not at night? An alcoholic has problems (despite modern day terminology of functioning alcoholics) during the day, even if they get plastered at night. They would be over the limit to drive, their cognitive functions would be impaired and in no way fit to look after a very active toddler. So, perhaps you can see, why some people, are questioning why you have put this in about his drinking. Again, I will say, it is absolutely reasonable you want a safe environment for your daughter. I don't think a person on this planet could argue otherwise. So, what I don't understand, on the one hand you want her to see him, then on the other, you stipulate the times he can have her. And use his drinking as the reason for this.

You also say, you want him to put his daughter first before "non-important issues" What may seem trivial to you, may well be important to him, so in that sense, you are expecting him to see everything through your eyes, rather than allow him to decide his own agenda for sparing his time up to be with her. That could well be the case why he is being so difficult and you are having problems. My work is important to me, it may not be important to any other person, so I would become extremely hacked off if my husband decided what was important to me, shouldn't be. This is where the control part of some people's thought process has come from.

As for CAFCASS, performing telephone interviews???? I would not acccept this. How is an officer supposed to make a balanced judgement on two parents with their child, when the assessment is over the telephone? How is that in the best child's interests? You should have had copies of her report, both parents, have you had these?

gotnodosh

Sommer43 wrote: »

As for CAFCASS, performing telephone interviews???? I would not acccept this. How is an officer supposed to make a balanced judgement on two parents with their child, when the assessment is over the telephone? How is that in the best child's interests? You should have had copies of her report, both parents, have you had these?

My Ex took me to court over contact with our daughter. He is an Alcoholic too and I refused to let him have unsupervised contact so he took me to court. Fine, he now has supervised contact in a Contact Centre.

But anyway, that's another story. Just want to say that we had a telephone interview both before we first went to court by a CAFCASS officer. She then made a quick report for the court. If, at any time, my Ex takes me back to court to say he wants unsupervised contact, I will insist on a full CAFCASS report. The telephone interview was just a SitRep so to speak.

Sommer43

gotnodosh wrote: »

My Ex took me to court over contact with our daughter. He is an Alcoholic too and I refused to let him have unsupervised contact so he took me to court. Fine, he now has supervised contact in a Contact Centre.

But anyway, that's another story. Just want to say that we had a telephone interview both before we first went to court by a CAFCASS officer. She then made a quick report for the court. If, at any time, my Ex takes me back to court to say he wants unsupervised contact, I will insist on a full CAFCASS report. The telephone interview was just a SitRep so to speak.

Now this makes sense... Thank you for clearing this up. I have had long dealings with CAFCASS and complained about the 'professionalism' of two who were dealing with my case. One turned up two hours late, she was dressed in a t-shirt with a pair of leggings and smelt awful. The second behaved towards me, in a way that is not for public consumption. A third was assigned to my case and she was great. However, to be assessed correctly, and my case was a residency one, with various contact orders in place, with the children, only a full and face to face interview can truly give an overall picture.

As an alcoholic myself, although I have not touched a drink in over two years, I was not allowed any near my children for well over four years and rightly so. I could only have indirect contact, by telephone and letter. It paid off in the end, but only because I stopped drinking. No judge in their right mind would give over a child/children to a drinking alkie. I wanted to continue fighting to see them, but it cost me too much financially. I stepped out of the court room and while it was painful and hard to bear, my ex and I are fine with each other now. I even babysat his third child, with his second wife, who has also been a brilliant stepmother to my children.

Thanks for explaining that to me.

gotnodosh

No worries. Can I just ask, do you attend AA? I think my Ex has stopped drinking for the time being but he isn't attending any meetings and has actually swapped over to cannabis for now. It's only a matter of time for him to go back to his favourite addiction I believe.

Sommer43

gotnodosh wrote: »

No worries. Can I just ask, do you attend AA? I think my Ex has stopped drinking for the time being but he isn't attending any meetings and has actually swapped over to cannabis for now. It's only a matter of time for him to go back to his favourite addiction I believe.

Often the case, an addict will swap one addiction for another. I have never taken any other form of mind altering substance, thank goodness, it was all booze for me.

I went to AA for around 18 months, which was good for me, although, I found it hard with the mentality of some of the people. The concept of AA is good, as in peer to peer rehabilitation, unfortunately, the smokescreen that has seemingly developed is that it is a disease, and every alcoholic and this gave an undercurrent of making excuses for why they drank. My own view is, I drank, I lost control and treated my children appallingly. There is no excuse on this planet for a nine year old child to find her mother face down in her own vomit. Had I succombed to this idea it is a disease, then I am justifying my behaviour. Had I driven with my children in the car, killed them, and/or another person, then I cannot see how any disease would have justified that. The only way not to do things like this, is to stop doing what I was doing.

My daughter is now 19 years old and has suffered at the hands of me, but I paid my price and more than made it up to her for the hell I put her through as a little girl. But she has never forgotten it. The sheer terror of thinking I was dead. I can only imagine what she must have felt. We are now close, luckily her father, was brilliant and his wife. But, it was not without it's pain and the withdrawal was awful. I put the drink down August 2010. From that day to this, one very kind police officer, one super, super husband and three very fantastic kids, I gradually got my life back. Not because of AA, but because I knew it was the end. It was die or live. I lived. I stopped passing out and coming around. I now go to sleep and wake up.

I hope your ex manages to sort it out. As I hope shoediva manages to sort her situation out.

shoe*diva79

Sommer43 wrote: »

As for CAFCASS, performing telephone interviews???? I would not acccept this. How is an officer supposed to make a balanced judgement on two parents with their child, when the assessment is over the telephone? How is that in the best child's interests? You should have had copies of her report, both parents, have you had these?

Yes, i did receive a copy of the report. It was handed to me on the 8th at court. I was a bit annoyed as I hadn't seen my ex's statement although he knew about mine as his interview was the following day to mine.

When CAFCASS first wrote to me (i got letter the day after ex gave me papers) saying they would contact me for a telephone interview, I actually called them to arrange a face to face meeting instead. There was no case officer assigned at that time and they told me to call back the following week which I did. Finally got hold of case officer and she refused to meet face to face despite my reservations. She eventually then called me on 3rd for telephone interview. Which was a nightmare with a 2 year old bouncing around wanting attention!

krok

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Feel free to point out where I contradict myself or lie or whatever. I will be happy to explain.

One of your threads
Opinions/Advice - Access to child
My ex and I split up 4 weeks ago. We have a 21 month old daughter together. We agreed that he would see our daughter every other weekend from 5pm Friday to 7pm Sunday. Last weekend was the first time this happened.

His job means commuting to London midweek (from the South Coast) so he is unable to see her in the week.

Since he brought her back Sunday she has been heartbroken. Continually crying for him, asking 'wheres daddy' etc. He is supposed to have her as usual next weekend but then has told me he is going to Asia for 3 weeks with work (16th Sept-11th October).

When he gets back there will be more travel in the pipeline for this side of Christmas to Romania and Australia meaning he will be missing further weekends with our daughter.

Because of her age (21 months) she isnt old enough to understand him flitting in and out her of her life. Its disruptive and upsetting to her and I am having to deal with the aftermath of last weekend (still!!) and can see how difficult its going to be over the coming months.

Any advise for how I can handle this. We have had a mini row over text message this morning with the end result being me telling him that when he is able to commit to a regular routine to call me. He doesnt NEED to go abroad and as always it seems his career is more important then maintaining a solid relationship with his daughter.

Before anyone jumps on me, I am not trying to stop contact between them, I want regular contact which isnt confusing and upsetting for our daughter. If our daughter was older and more able to understand things wouldnt be so bad.

How is best to proceed with this?

One of your threads.

No mention of your x drinking here. why not. All you are saying is that your x is a hard working man who has to make a living even if it means traveling abroad. This doesnt mean hes a bad father or are you saying that the thousands of our brave troops are bad fathers for not being here for their children.

krok

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Feel free to point out where I contradict myself or lie or whatever. I will be happy to explain.

Another one of your threads

Last week I split with my partner. His decision. Bit of background... We have a small child together and I have a older child from previous relationship. 2 years ago he bought a house for us all to live in, along with a 4th bedroom for when his 2 children from a previous realtnship come to stay. I did not contribute to the deposit for the house. I worked for time on a comparable salary to him when we met until 18 months ago when redundancy struck when our little one was 8 weeks old. We decided that I wouldnt return to work (chldcare costs made me working not really worth it financially) but that I would re-train. I have just finished the first year of a course that lasts 4 years.

Anyway, i estimate that to the household I have 'put in the pot' so to speak around £50k net. Thats in 2.5 years. Together we have refurbished the house - new kitchen, bathroom, garden just had £3k worth of landscaping. Altho all of the bills have been in his name and come from his account obiviously I have also had money which has helped pay for everything.

So I find myself needing to leave the house with my 2 daughters. I have found somewhere to rent but because the landlord does not take Housing Benefit my ex has agreed to pay 6 months rent in advance, which I will get back via Housing Benefit topa him back. He has also paid the agenct fees and given me £300 to go towards furnishing the house. All together the figure he has lent me is £6k.

Now here lies my issue. I feel a bit 'begruded' if thats the right word that I am not only having to move, but pay for it all myself and he is refusing to give me any money the house. With the work thats been done I am positive that their will have been a rise in value but he refuses to get it valued.

Im not asking for thousands and thousands of pounds. Just enough that enables me to make sure the new house is furnished, I have a little run around car (he is keeping our car despite having a moped) and I am not out of pocket.

Am I being unreasonable? Thoughts on if I am due anything? Sorry I have ramled, I have tried to get all the facts I think are important down but if you think I have missed something please ask.

Also, we ave arranged child maitenance for our daughter and signed a private agreement so no issues there.


Where does it say here that your x is a alcoholic.

krok

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Feel free to point out where I contradict myself or lie or whatever. I will be happy to explain.

Yet another thread from you.
FAO Preludefortimefeelers - bonus/share question
Hiya

Wondered if you could give me a rough answer (or a concrete one would be better!) in regard to shares/bonus.

My ex and i are going to sort out a private agreement. Heis employed full time with a large UK company. I have seen his July payslip so got his take home pay and plugged it into the calc online to confirm a rough estimate which the CSA would come to.

However, each March he receives a bonus. Its paid mid month and he gets an additional payslip for it. Its quite a lot, i think after tax and NI in March just gone the take home bonus was £8ish. Should I be asking for some of his bonus (a third of 25% as he pays for 2 children through the CSA)

Also, he salary sacrifices £250 each month to a shareshave scheme. The first set of shares matured in January and he can now claim circa £11k (ish) tax free each tax year. Would the CSA class this as income and include it in an assessment?

Thank you!



It seems to me that your x is a very hard working father. He would not be able to hold down such a job like this if he was a alcoholic.
No mention of drink in this thread either. Wonder why.

Could it be that you only mentioned he was a heavy drinker because you wanted some form of revenge after he had the good sense to take you to court for contact with his child.