Problems with my Daughter

mishmash

Hi

Same thing My girl changed from an angel t a demon overnight, I had no idea why she was about 9 and there was mood swings and her behaviour took a real dive.

As a working single mum I worried about the impact this was having and if that was causing the behaviour, I think single mums ( and mums generally) blame themselves.

Anyway my daughter started her periods a few months later, she is now 14 and things are starting to settle:eek: It is great fun in our house when we both have pms.

I had not spoken to her properly about puberty ( thinking she was too young), but I learnt there are some great books both science type describing what happens but also some really good girly novels where girls can read about others going through similar experiences.

I think it is interesting that the posters daughter played well with the childminders son until recently. Prior to puberty children often do play together well. During early puberty they find the opposite sex revolting, My daughter is now getting to the stage where Boys are interesting again, now that is a real worry:D

Mish

Carmina_Piranha_3

they have a talk about puberty at the end of year 5 here, my son told me all about periods. in my day the boys were sent next door while the girls watched the period video :rotfl:

she might just get a hormone surge at that time anyway - none of the girls i know who turned vile on their 9th birthday have had a period yet, and they are now ten and eleven.

spud's screaming tantrums lasted a couple of months and then calmed down. he's fine now.

she might not get on with the childminders son anymore though. are they allowed to play outside? maybe the childminder could separate them a bit so they are not always together?

Savvy_Sue

If there's any alternative to the childminders - after school club or similar - could you try that, maybe once a week to begin with?

MissMotivation

Carmina_Piranha wrote: »

they have a talk about puberty at the end of year 5 here, my son told me all about periods. in my day the boys were sent next door while the girls watched the period video :rotfl:

she might just get a hormone surge at that time anyway - none of the girls i know who turned vile on their 9th birthday have had a period yet, and they are now ten and eleven.

spud's screaming tantrums lasted a couple of months and then calmed down. he's fine now.

she might not get on with the childminders son anymore though. are they allowed to play outside? maybe the childminder could separate them a bit so they are not always together?

They have been playing outside for the last few weeks since the weather got better, the childminder has tried to separate them and get DD to do others things with her and other children but there still seems to be conflict at some point.

MissMotivation

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

If there's any alternative to the childminders - after school club or similar - could you try that, maybe once a week to begin with?

There is a an after hours club at the school but the latest I can pick her up from there is 6pm and I dont get back until 6.30pm at the earliest

Savvy_Sue

MissMotivation wrote: »

There is a an after hours club at the school but the latest I can pick her up from there is 6pm and I dont get back until 6.30pm at the earliest

No chance of fiddling your hours to be back an hour earlier once a week? (I'm saying an hour to allow for traffic etc!) Or does she have a friend going whose parents would perhaps be happy to collect her once a week: by the time they get home you won't be far behind, IYSWIM. Or is there a friend's house she might be able to go to once a week, with you working out a way of repaying the favour at some other time? I know it's a big one, but I'd have been happy to give this a whirl if one of my sons' friends had asked.

My thinking is that maybe your daughter is fed up of the childminder, or maybe she wants more of your time, or maybe she's just hormonal. You can try talking to her about this, but she may not be able to articulate. but maybe if she thought there were options, she'd feel happier. Actually, maybe if she tried options she'd find the childminder wasn't so bad after all ...

Just because she's been at the CM for a number of years and always been happy in the past doesn't mean it will always be the best solution. I stopped using a CM when mine started school (I only worked part-time), but I did help run an afterschool club. We found that there was a definite tail-off in years 5 and 6 as children who'd been coming for years began to feel more grownup and not wanting to be with the younger children. And of course their parents began to feel more confident about them going home alone for a short period - especially in Year 6. I'm not saying this is the answer for you, just pointing out that as our children grow up it's inevitable that what suits them will change.

Also I can see what you were saying earlier about a girly day out, not wanting her to think that bad behaviour results in treats. BUT there comes a time when you have to try and break the cycle. My 15 yo son is pretty ghastly at the moment: I've had his I-pod for most of the Easter holidays but even so he doesn't want to do the things which I want done before he can have it back. If I was ALWAYS responding to his 'attitude' he wouldn't have left the house since term ended! :rotfl:

Maybe try a calm discussion: "I was thinking we might go out shopping for the day on Saturday, have lunch at XXX (insert daughter's fave place there), and see if we can find you some new YYY. Would you like to get a manicure / other treat at the same time?" (Mind you I don't know what her school's like about nail varnish, that might have to wait until May half term!)

If you get any kind of positive response (and for my boys a grunt would count, not that I'd suggest a manicure for them!), carry on with "The thing is, I want us BOTH to enjoy the day, and it's hard for me to do this if you are grumpy / sulky / not chatting to me like you used to. Do you think we could both make a special effort to be friendly with each other that day?"

I have NO idea if this would work, not having had much to do with hormonal girls. But it is the kind of approach I used with my boys. "I know you're not enjoying this (insert activity currently in progress), but then I don't enjoy doing XXX (insert favourite activity with boy) with you. And I do it so that you can carry on doing XXX. Now, if you want to carry on doing XXX, please stop spoiling this for me / your brothers.) If I'd just said we weren't doing XXX any more, he'd have had no incentive to behave better at the moment, or for the foreseeable future, IYSWIM.

And if she wanted to do have this day, I'd do my best to ignore any 'fussing' beforehand, and not threaten that it wasn't going to happen if she didn't get her act together etc.

Maybe you could ask her what she'd like to do - maybe shopping's not her thing, maybe a film or theatre or day at the park or even just special DVD night at home.

MissMotivation

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

No chance of fiddling your hours to be back an hour earlier once a week? (I'm saying an hour to allow for traffic etc!) Or does she have a friend going whose parents would perhaps be happy to collect her once a week: by the time they get home you won't be far behind, IYSWIM. Or is there a friend's house she might be able to go to once a week, with you working out a way of repaying the favour at some other time? I know it's a big one, but I'd have been happy to give this a whirl if one of my sons' friends had asked.

My thinking is that maybe your daughter is fed up of the childminder, or maybe she wants more of your time, or maybe she's just hormonal. You can try talking to her about this, but she may not be able to articulate. but maybe if she thought there were options, she'd feel happier. Actually, maybe if she tried options she'd find the childminder wasn't so bad after all ...

Just because she's been at the CM for a number of years and always been happy in the past doesn't mean it will always be the best solution. I stopped using a CM when mine started school (I only worked part-time), but I did help run an afterschool club. We found that there was a definite tail-off in years 5 and 6 as children who'd been coming for years began to feel more grownup and not wanting to be with the younger children. And of course their parents began to feel more confident about them going home alone for a short period - especially in Year 6. I'm not saying this is the answer for you, just pointing out that as our children grow up it's inevitable that what suits them will change.

Also I can see what you were saying earlier about a girly day out, not wanting her to think that bad behaviour results in treats. BUT there comes a time when you have to try and break the cycle. My 15 yo son is pretty ghastly at the moment: I've had his I-pod for most of the Easter holidays but even so he doesn't want to do the things which I want done before he can have it back. If I was ALWAYS responding to his 'attitude' he wouldn't have left the house since term ended! :rotfl:

Maybe try a calm discussion: "I was thinking we might go out shopping for the day on Saturday, have lunch at XXX (insert daughter's fave place there), and see if we can find you some new YYY. Would you like to get a manicure / other treat at the same time?" (Mind you I don't know what her school's like about nail varnish, that might have to wait until May half term!)

If you get any kind of positive response (and for my boys a grunt would count, not that I'd suggest a manicure for them!), carry on with "The thing is, I want us BOTH to enjoy the day, and it's hard for me to do this if you are grumpy / sulky / not chatting to me like you used to. Do you think we could both make a special effort to be friendly with each other that day?"

I have NO idea if this would work, not having had much to do with hormonal girls. But it is the kind of approach I used with my boys. "I know you're not enjoying this (insert activity currently in progress), but then I don't enjoy doing XXX (insert favourite activity with boy) with you. And I do it so that you can carry on doing XXX. Now, if you want to carry on doing XXX, please stop spoiling this for me / your brothers.) If I'd just said we weren't doing XXX any more, he'd have had no incentive to behave better at the moment, or for the foreseeable future, IYSWIM.

And if she wanted to do have this day, I'd do my best to ignore any 'fussing' beforehand, and not threaten that it wasn't going to happen if she didn't get her act together etc.

Maybe you could ask her what she'd like to do - maybe shopping's not her thing, maybe a film or theatre or day at the park or even just special DVD night at home.

Thanks....there is some really good advice in there and will definitely try some of the things you have mentioned.

I think a chat with my boss is worthwhile to see if I can finish early one day a week...although I don't hold out much hope lol.

se999

MissMotivation wrote: »

I have asked her about it but all she will say is that she feels the c/minders Son doesnt like her.......he says to his Mum that my DD doesnt like him . I find this really odd because up until a few months ago they would play with each other even on the weekends!

It could be puberty with your daughter, but the childminders children are growing up and changing too. Maybe the son has the problem, and is making it difficult for your daughter. Is the childminder going to admit it's her sons problem?

People do change as they grow up, including likes/dislikes, it isn't only due to puberty.




.

patchwork_cat

Hi
My daughter is 9 1/2 and can be a real little madam. Red House have some books on puberty at the mo. I bought one a while ago and thought perhaps it was a bit old - sold it on ebay - now that one is out of stock and I thought oh I wish I hadn't sold it. There are others there though - I have one coming through hopefully monday I'll have a flick and let you know what I think.

Psykicpup

I definately think puberty is rearing its ugly head here... may be your childminders son 'likes' your daughter or may she 'likes' him - causing teasing, jealosy, general b*t**iness or maybe they just dont get on anymore...
I had a year -18months or my dd at her worst (surprised she survived lol) but that was about that age - I started at 11sh (& my mum at 9) so I wasnt all that surprised ... but I was surprised at how long before the periods started that we started the mood swings....