My Ex is making things difficult.

Miss_Havisham

let the kids give Daddy a diary for Christmas. You help them choose it then sit down with them and write into the diary all their activities and your working times, and Dad's if he has any that impacts the children. Then they will know that he knows when they are free so he can arrange treats for them.

Miss H

lazer

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow wrote: »

If the children have prearranged activities, why can't he take them? If you had set days when he saw the kids he'd have to take them then.

No he wouldn't - it is up to the dad what activities the children do when they are with him, same way as it up to the mum what activities the children do when they are with her.

Maybe dad thinks the children do too many extra cirricular activities?

In terms of what the OP should do, Dad has the right to see his children and take them on holiday (or more correctly the children have a right to a relationship with their father), but I understand your concerns especially about DS2.

Does their father fully understand his condition - perhaps it is worth him having discussions with the childs doctor? Is there any school of thought that suggests your husbands methods (ie: the child will eat if he is hungry etc) could possibly work?

Perhaps a compromise can be reached - Easter is still 4 months away, tell the father you will allow him to take all the children on holiday if he uses the time between now and then to build a better relationship with DS2 including learning Makaton?

You have lived on your own for 4 years now - so you will need time to adjust to the new arrangements, as will he, as will the children.

You say you have set days "Yes we have set days. He comes here on a Wednesday after school, and then has the children all day Saturday one week and all day Sunday the next"
but then you have also said "But if we have a prior arrangement he makes a massive fuss about me stopping him seeing the children" do you stop him ahving the children on the set days due to prior arrangements, or is this at times additional to the set days.

You need to sit down with your ex and discuss arrangements - but rememeber that you both parents, and he may believe your parenting methods are wrong, and you may believe his parenting methods are wrong, but both of you have a right to parent in whatever you see fit when the children are in your care (within reason - obviously anything neglectful, abusive etc iis different!)

daska

LunaLady wrote: »

There are many reasons. Its not that I dont want DS to go away. He has been away with me many times.

My problems are that my Ex cannot look after DS properly.

DS has very little language and uses makaton to communicate. Ex refuses to learn this so DS will have no way of communicating.

DS has a very restricted diet. Ex thinks that if he is hungry he will eat the food. I know he wont.

DS uses a Maclaren Major. Ex doesnt think a 7 year old should be in the buggy. He also thinks the same about his ear defenders.

I could go on.

At the moment Ex is not even taking DS out at all, because he knows he cannot handle him if he goes into meltdown. Thats why he comes here. If he isnt willing to learn how to look after DS then its a big leap from not taking him out to going away for 10 days.

Without knowing what problems DS has (though I can guess at sensory problems from your mention of ear-defenders) how traumatic would it be for DS if his dad got it wrong during the holiday? If it is dad who would come off worst then it might be worth considering letting him go but being on hand for when it all goes pear-shaped.

I'm tempted though to suggest that you get some legal advice over this - I'm sure it wouldn't be beyond the bounds of possibility to get a contact order that stipulates that daddy must attend makaton training before having unsupervised contact etc.

LunaLady

lazer wrote: »

You say you have set days "Yes we have set days. He comes here on a Wednesday after school, and then has the children all day Saturday one week and all day Sunday the next"
but then you have also said "But if we have a prior arrangement he makes a massive fuss about me stopping him seeing the children" do you stop him ahving the children on the set days due to prior arrangements, or is this at times additional to the set days.

This is times on additional days - he wants to come over tomorrow but DD will be at a friends house for tea and DS1 has science club after school. Also, DS2's taxi from school doesnt get back here until 4.30.

I want him to be a father, I want him to see the children. But he cannot expect everything we do to change because he is here now.

daska

Just a thought but does his dad have an ipad and could DS use a free aac app instead? Might be faster to get the hang of. Just had a friend posting on FB about http://www.sensorysoftware.com/gridplayer.html. Obviously this might be totally inappropriate but it's difficult to know whether it is or not without suggesting it LOL.

LunaLady

daska wrote: »

Without knowing what problems DS has (though I can guess at sensory problems from your mention of ear-defenders) how traumatic would it be for DS if his dad got it wrong during the holiday? If it is dad who would come off worst then it might be worth considering letting him go but being on hand for when it all goes pear-shaped.

He wants to go abroad.

DS has various problems but no DX. He has problems with his sight and has significant hearing problems. He has learning disabilities, autistic behaviours, is still in nappies, has no communication, has problems with his movement so cannot feed himself, wash himself. He also has sleep issues and bowel problems. He is lovely and the most beautiful boy, but a meltdown can come with no warning and he will smash head on the floor, bite himself and lash out.

In a nutshell

He doesnt 'know' his dad - he has no bond with him and his dad doesnt know how to deal with him.

Mojisola

LunaLady wrote: »

He wants to go abroad.

DS has various problems but no DX. He has problems with his sight and has significant hearing problems. He has learning disabilities, autistic behaviours, is still in nappies, has no communication, has problems with his movement so cannot feed himself, wash himself. He also has sleep issues and bowel problems. He is lovely and the most beautiful boy, but a meltdown can come with no warning and he will smash head on the floor, bite himself and lash out.

In a nutshell

He doesnt 'know' his dad - he has no bond with him and his dad doesnt know how to deal with him.

Has his Dad looked at how much he would have to pay to get health insurance to take the lad away?

LunaLady

Mojisola wrote: »

Has his Dad looked at how much he would have to pay to get health insurance to take the lad away?

I dont know but that is a very good idea to bring up - the cost of that may put it out of reach anyway.

FBaby

Can you give him a weekly diary of activities so he knows where he stands and when they are free or not. He can then decide if he wants to take on or all to their activities, or if there is a special occasion, maybe he can mention it in advance so that exceptionally they don't go to that club that day.

In regards to the holiday, are you sure he also wants to take your middle child? Sounds strange he would be prepared to take him for a whole week abroad if he can't even cope with one day close to home.

Mojisola

LunaLady wrote: »

I dont know but that is a very good idea to bring up - the cost of that may put it out of reach anyway.

Let's hope so. It will make your life easier if it's his decision.

Otherwise, I don't think anyone in authority would think it a good idea for him to take your son away if he doesn't regularly have him overnight.

Do you have a social worker or anyone else you could get support from?