My Ex is making things difficult.

LunaLady

We split over 4 years ago and he moved away, seeing the children every month or so. He has recently moved back to our area and is making things more and more difficult.

He wants to see the children all the time, which is fine. But if we have a prior arrangement he makes a massive fuss about me stopping him seeing the children. For example all three children have activities that they have been doing for a long time, so at those times we are out. He has tried to make out that we go to swimming lessons/judo/scouts/brownies just to spite him. He also mentions things to the children, and then when I say we cant because of x,y or z then I am the horrible person.

We have always had a private arrangement about support, and he pays me an amount a month, but he has started asking what I spend it on, and making sarcastic comments about things in the house. For example I got a new blender - he looked at and said 'is this what you spend my money on!!!'

He wants to take the children away at Easter with his new GF. I said I had some concerns over our middle child, who has many medical and behavioural problems, he said I was being spiteful and jealous of his new GF :rotfl:

I feel like we have lived our own life all the time he was gone, and now he wants to come back and expects us to change. Its really causing friction.

19lottie82

My OH has similar problems with his ex wife (he has custody of their 2 daughters), she is very bitter and never seems to want to compromise to make things easier on the kids.

Do you have set days arranged where he sees the kids? If not this prob would be the sensible thing to do as then no one can back out, moan, or try to change the arrangements.

As for the rest, well sorry to be blunt, but in IMO he only behaves that way because you let him! He is prob looking for a response from you, so don't give him one! Talk to him only when you have to, about the children and nothing else!

As for him slagging you off to the kids, there's not really a lot you can do about that I'm afraid, BUT children aren't daft, they will know what he sayd isn't true, and in the end all he will be doing is turning them against HIM. Keep the moral high ground and don't say bad things about their Dad (even if they are true and you want to!), you'll come out the winner at the other end!

LunaLady

Yes we have set days. He comes here on a Wednesday after school, and then has the children all day Saturday one week and all day Sunday the next, although he doesnt take DS2 yet.

daska

Why do you let him in to your home to see your new blender!? You don't have to.

How old are the children? Old enough to understand how a calendar works? Or that you have to book and pay for activities or confirm party invites etc so they take priority over subsequent suggestions? You might find that asking them whether you should cancel some/all their after school clubs so that they can see daddy every day might put things a little in perspective. Give them the choice. If they want to do a club they have to commit to doing it every week unless they're ill.

LunaLady

He comes here because he wants to see DS2. Its difficult because of his conditions and the fact that he doesnt actually know his daddy very well. I dont mind him coming here and the children like it. I want things to be amicable.

The children are 11, 7 and 4. Its the 4 year old who gets upset because he promises her really fun things, like the cinema instead of her swimming lesson.

LunaLady

The other thing is that I work on Tuesday evenings. I asked him if he wanted to have the children on that evening, but he refused because he goes to a snooker club.

daska

LunaLady wrote: »

He comes here because he wants to see DS2. Its difficult because of his conditions and the fact that he doesnt actually know his daddy very well. I dont mind him coming here and the children like it. I want things to be amicable.

The children are 11, 7 and 4. Its the 4 year old who gets upset because he promises her really fun things, like the cinema instead of her swimming lesson.

What a swine! You're obviously well rid

4 is a little young to understand about commitments. Maybe a conversation with the ex asking him which after-school activities he considers important enough for them to continue doing and which should be cancelled on the off chance of him wanting to do something different with them? Then he can tell them and it would be daddy stopping them from doing swimming etc (and potentially letting them down by not providing an alternative) rather than you forcing them to do something instead of spending time with daddy. He couldn't then complain that he hadn't been given the choice. And the kids would soon make their feelings known if they were missing out.

19lottie82

LunaLady wrote: »

I want things to be amicable.

What does this mean to you? Ideally I expect it would mean that you are both considerate and polite, while putting your childrens needs first, although still considering each others.

It sounds like you are willing to do this, but he isn't.

So, are you still willing to give in to him all the time, just to be amicable (i.e. an easy life)? That's what you need to think abotu going forward. Is that the best way to go for you, and the kids?

If every divorced couple could be "amicable", it would be fantastic and the world would be a more often that not, there is at least one parent who this option doesn't appeal to.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

You need to set some boundaries and get a specific agreement drawn up as to when you each have the children.

Another one here who doesn't think its a good idea to let your ex into your home - try doorstep handovers. I personally think it's confusing to children when the absent parents comes and goes in the family home, better to have two clearly separate homes.

If the children have prearranged activities, why can't he take them? If you had set days when he saw the kids he'd have to take them then.

As to him asking you what you spend the child maintenance on, it's none of his business. Only discuss the children, anything else is your private business.

Why can he not take the children on holiday at easter? Lots of children with medical and behavioural problems go away on holiday!!

Were you married, because I have to tell you, if you were, and he asked for shared residence then he is likely to get it.

Something to think about.

Really you need to take back some control, stop letting him upset you in your home, be firm, and organise specific days for them to spend with him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

sorry, just seen you do have set days, sorry!

LunaLady

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow wrote: »

Why can he not take the children on holiday at easter? Lots of children with medical and behavioural problems go away on holiday!!

There are many reasons. Its not that I dont want DS to go away. He has been away with me many times.

My problems are that my Ex cannot look after DS properly.

DS has very little language and uses makaton to communicate. Ex refuses to learn this so DS will have no way of communicating.

DS has a very restricted diet. Ex thinks that if he is hungry he will eat the food. I know he wont.

DS uses a Maclaren Major. Ex doesnt think a 7 year old should be in the buggy. He also thinks the same about his ear defenders.

I could go on.

At the moment Ex is not even taking DS out at all, because he knows he cannot handle him if he goes into meltdown. Thats why he comes here. If he isnt willing to learn how to look after DS then its a big leap from not taking him out to going away for 10 days.