Absolutely mortified - what do I say?

belfastgirl23

I'd add in a section saying what a wonderful grandfather he was and how much he will be missed by x y and z. The eulogy is about him as a person so this is more appropriate than talking about your family as such.

Honestly I think you're overreacting by assuming its a snub. People are often under stress doing this sort of thing and in your shoes I'd figure it was an accident. No point in working up bad feeling on this.

As a ps your last para does suggest you are really putting pressure on your DH. Are you sure that this isn't a case of your grief coming out as anger/indignation. Sometimes it's tempting to find a home for all of those negative emotions by turning them against someone. Be very careful about this. It will have far more severe ramifications for your kids than not getting mentioned in a eulogy.

hardpressed

As she's sent your OH the draft is would appear that she expects him to add his comment about their father.

If she hadn't shown it to him and the first he heard of it at the funeral then your OH would be entitle to be a bit peeved. How old are your children, are they old enough to write a bit about their grandad? If they're only little perhaps they can tell you or their dad what grandad meant to them and included that in whatever your OH adds to what his sister has written.

As you said your husband is too upset to read the eulogy do you really need to give him anymore grief at the moment?

bylromarha

As the person who had to write the eulogy for her mums funeral a last week I can honestly say with painful rawness how it is just impossible to focus your mind on what was really important to the loved one to include in the 5 minutes you have.

I sent mine to my sister for her to read, add in bits that just hadn't even occurred to me in my grief, and would have been so grateful to her lovingly pointing out I'd spoken about the nurses who'd known her for 10 minutes but failed to mention the grandchildren who'd loved her unconditionally for years. If it helps, I got my mum's grandchildren to just talk to me about Nanny - I used their direct words in my talk - made my nephew smile when he heard me say "Nanny was a great big fluffy marshmallow"

So get OH to suggest the amendment and what to say, wind your neck in, and support your OH in a way you never have before.

I'd have cracked and fallen without my OH putting me back together and picking me up over these last 3 weeks. He needs you to stop snipping and getting annoying, and to help him remember what a fab dad he had.

inkie

I am a minister and so conduct a lot of funerals. The most moving tribute I have heard a family give was entitled 'letter to Grandma', and was read out by the 3 granddaughters from their perspective. This was in addition to another tribute, which I gave. Would you,be able to do something similar perhaps?

Janey7

Writing funeral speeches is a very emotional process and plenty of important things can be left out by people who are grieving. I appreciate you clearly strongly dislike your SIL but to be fair to her, she sent you and your partner a draft explicitly so it can be adjusted before it is read out. If your partner doesn't currently wish to comment that your children were not mentioned, that's not really her fault.

IMO it's best to err on the side of caution and see this as an honest oversight. I fail to see how deciding it is a cold deliberate insult and an attempt to whitewash your family out of existance is going to help you, your partner and children get through this period of loss. Surely a polite comment to her that you appreciate all the effort they've put into the speech, and that you would love it if the speech might also mention his fondness for the grandkids, should be perfectly sufficient? If she says of course, great. If she says no, well, at least you know where you stand.

purple.sarah

Your FIL only died last week, his children will still be reeling and not thinking clearly. Your husband is grieving and doesn't want to upset the family he has left! You say you are "really losing respect for him," be careful he doesn't lose respect for you because you are being petty at one of the worst times of his life! As your DH and SIL are arranging the funeral together it sounds like she wrote her draft then forwarded it for him to add his part, about your kids etc. There is a positive way to approach this, by saying that you want to include a mention of what a good grandfather your FIL was to your children, or a negative way, by saying you "have a MAJOR problem with this snub". Choose carefully because conflict between their parents will affect your children more than a eulogy.

globetraveller

I agree with the others. She has sent you the draft to look at. If she was intending any snub surely she wouldn't have let you see the speech. She has given from her point of view- now you add from your point of view- how he was as a grandad.

BugglyB

The time of losing a parent shouldn't be when a man has to worry about losing the 'respect' of his spouse. Surely your role at this time is to comfort your partner and children and not to bicker on about a speech that no-one will remember in a weeks time. Your kids will be looking to you for an example of how we treat our loved ones when they are grieving.

As for what your FIL would want, fast forward to the time of your husbands death, would you rather your children were trying to get along or would you care more about whats in the eulogy?

SandC

The words to be said at a funeral by whomever is saying them, are difficult to find.

I had completely forgotten but it was the one and only thing that caused some stress in my family when my father passed away. We were happy for the lovely vicar to do the readings but my stepmum (who has essentially been my mum for over 25 years, my mother passed away when I was 10 so it's not a remarrying thing) wrote the words with my brother and I helping.

I made a suggestion that dad's sister might have some memories to add and my stepmum was uncharacteristically negative about it, dismissing her as probably not remembering anything seeing as she was 15 years younger than dad. When I pressed it a little she got very tetchy and, well it ended with the phone being put down (but very swiftly remedied on both sides shortly after).

Sometimes these things need a gentle push - the persons closest are often not thinking of a wider picture.

Give her some slack on this one OP is my advice.

Ada_Doom

I agree with the others on here, now is not the time to vent about how you feel your family is being sidelined in this speech, and to be honest it's not about you, it's about your FIL, and how his children want to remember him. My Mam died last year and my brother and sister both did very moving speeches, and her children and grandchildren were not mentioned individually and it did not cross my mind that they should be. This is not a wedding DJ "big shout going out to" scenario, it is a time to remember the person who has passed.

I would urge you to let this go, the grieving your
family have ahead of them is a long and bumpy old path, conserve your energy for the road ahead.