Absolutely mortified - what do I say?

dandy-candy

My FIL died last week and DH and SIL have been arranging the funeral. Both of them said it would be too emotional to read a speech so SIL partner said he would do it (I wasn't asked but tbh I will be tearful too) and so he and SIL have been working out the speech.
She just sent through the draft saying it was a bit long and needed adjusting. It was 4 pages long, talked about people there dad worked with over 20 years ago, said how good the hospital nurses were etc. No mention of DH marriage to me or any of our kids - the 3 grandchildren (SIL is unmarried and has no kids).
I am absolutely mortified and said to my DH what an insult it is. Bit of background is he and her don't get on and aren't close, but tolerate each other. Within days of FIL dying she was earmarking what she wants in the house. DH has said nothing because she is the only family he has left now and he suddenly wants them to have a good relationship. I don't have a problem with him letting her get away with anything and everything in their dads house but I have a MAJOR problem with this snub. When I started saying this to DH, he started having a go at me saying I was trying to cause a row between them.
I am gobsmacked that he is happy for the entire family in friends to sit through a service that completely blanks the kids out of existence. FIL was very fond of the grandchildren and became a grandad late in life, so late he didn't think it would happen. He wouldn't be happy with them being left out.
This is causing real friction between me an DH. I want to be there for him at this difficult time in his life, but as a mother I have to stand up for our kids, and I am really losing respect for him if he doesn't stand up for them.

VikkiiKawaii

I really feel for you, you've been put in an awful place.

Maybe try and get your OH to say something instead of you, it might come out a little better or ask if he would also like to do a speech?

j.e.j.

dandy-candy wrote: »

My FIL died last week and DH and SIL have been arranging the funeral. Both of them said it would be too emotional to read a speech so SIL partner said he would do it (I wasn't asked but tbh I will be tearful too) and so he and SIL have been working out the speech.
She just sent through the draft saying it was a bit long and needed adjusting. It was 4 pages long, talked about people there dad worked with over 20 years ago, said how good the hospital nurses were etc. No mention of DH marriage to me or any of our kids - the 3 grandchildren (SIL is unmarried and has no kids).
I am absolutely mortified and said to my DH what an insult it is. Bit of background is he and her don't get on and aren't close, but tolerate each other. Within days of FIL dying she was earmarking what she wants in the house. DH has said nothing because she is the only family he has left now and he suddenly wants them to have a good relationship. I don't have a problem with him letting her get away with anything and everything in their dads house but I have a MAJOR problem with this snub. When I started saying this to DH, he started having a go at me saying I was trying to cause a row between them.
I am gobsmacked that he is happy for the entire family in friends to sit through a service that completely blanks the kids out of existence. FIL was very fond of the grandchildren and became a grandad late in life, so late he didn't think it would happen. He wouldn't be happy with them being left out.
This is causing real friction between me an DH. I want to be there for him at this difficult time in his life, but as a mother I have to stand up for our kids, and I am really losing respect for him if he doesn't stand up for them.

I'd say now is not the time to be giving your OH a hard time. As she's given you the draft of the Eulogy, that kind of suggests she's open to amendments being made. Why not suggest that they forgot to mention that he was a proud grandfather of X, Y and Z.

gallygirl

It's been written from her point of view, and your OH has probably agreed what was in it but not thought about what wasn't in it. It's been sent through in draft, so you have an ideal opportunity - as it needs amending - to cut out some bits and add about your kids and yourself. Jot down some words and ask OH if he agrees, rather than asking him to do it.

It's a very difficult time for all so please try to bite your tongue and not make a sad situation worse.

Sorry for your loss.

mummybearx

He should just make the changes himself and say something about your children.

There is no reason for the children not to be mentioned. Add in a paragraph, and let SIL read it over if they are re-writing it together.

Sorry for your loss x

VfM4meplse

gallygirl wrote: »

It's a very difficult time for all so please try to bite your tongue and not make a sad situation worse

Agreed - tact is at a premium here.

When you make your suggestions for amendment, you might wish to suggest that it's a pity that your SIL doesn't know her nieces / nephews that well but it would be great to change that.

meritaten

OH Dandy...........this is such an emotional time for everyone! Your OH is grieving love! he prob feels as upset as you, but doesnt want to cause a 'family row' before the funeral. Try to understand he doesnt want any MORE grief! yes, he can take it out on you because you love him and you are there!
May I suggest that you let SILs partner 'do' his speech, then YOU do one - For YOUR side of the family! I agree this speech is a bit onesided and can see why you are upset.........but, it can easily be 'balanced' if you can just grit your teeth and get up and speak from the heart. That way no-one will have an inkling that it wasnt set up that way.
Blessings
merit

poet123

I think you are making a big deal out of this. Your SIL has sent across the speech for amendments or additions, so all your OH has to do is add in a mention of your children and how proud your FIL was of them. I think that it is the way you have approached this which has caused your OH to dig his heels in. If you had simply said she has forgotten the kids were very important to him so just add it in, he would not have thought any more of it.

However, you seem to have made an issue of her motives and got his back up and given him the impression you want to cause a family row about it at this emotional time. I would apologise to him, say you acted hastily (lioness mode!) and just say if he adds it in that will sort out the issue and no more will be said about it.

peachyprice

Sorry to sound harsh..... but it's not about you, your turn will come at your own parents funerals. If your OH doesn't have a problem with it, now is not the time to cause unnecessary friction between your OH and his sister.

getmore4less

Are the kids going to the funeral.

you and hubby talk to them about their feelings and relationship with granddad.

Look to modify the existing eulogy or split including the extra info.


One thing you have to deal with is the family dynamic will change if the FIL/GD was the last of that generation, the sence of loss of family can create a void that needs filling and highlight any family relationships that have been neglected/stressed.

poet123

meritaten wrote: »

OH Dandy...........this is such an emotional time for everyone! Your OH is grieving love! he prob feels as upset as you, but doesnt want to cause a 'family row' before the funeral. Try to understand he doesnt want any MORE grief! yes, he can take it out on you because you love him and you are there!
May I suggest that you let SILs partner 'do' his speech, then YOU do one - For YOUR side of the family! I agree this speech is a bit onesided and can see why you are upset.........but, it can easily be 'balanced' if you can just grit your teeth and get up and speak from the heart. That way no-one will have an inkling that it wasnt set up that way.
Blessings
merit

But it isn't about her side of the family.

I think that it should be remembered that this is her SIL's Father too and she is grieving and possibly not considering everyone else. I really don't see the issue, her OH has been given sight of the speech and the opportunity to make changes, what more could the woman do?