Family or career?

what_t0_do

I have a 5yr old child and I'm no longer with the father. They spend weeknights and every third weekend with him, and 2 out of 3 weekends with me. We split school holidays 50/50. Effectively I am the NRP and pay maintenance.

I was young when I met my exH and fell pregnant in my teens. He was a little older and very controlling. We moved from where I grew up to where my exH's family all live. I feel trapped here now that we've split as although I understandably want to be near my DC, all my family are far away and I feel very alone.

I'm also in a long distance relationship and things are going well between us. We've been together over a year and are now thinking that we'd like to live together. I can't uproot my DC to move nearer him, my exH would never allow it. So we've been talking about the possibility of him moving here to be with me.

DP and I work in the same industry and where I live there are very, very few jobs. I was lucky to find the one I currently have as it's quite a niche role here. Whereas in the city where DP works career prospects are much much better. I know he's worried that he would effectively be limited to one company (where I work) if he moved here.

Recently I was headhunted for a very good job within a very good company, near to where DP works. I know I won't get that job, but it has really made me start to think about the future and how things will pan out. I'm still young and I know that if I could move to where the jobs are I could do very well. I enjoy my current job, but I'm underpaid and there's little scope for moving up.

I worked hard at uni while DC was small to get where I am now, so its frustrating to know that I'm sacrificing a lot to be here.

I don't know what advice I'm asking for really but I feel very confused with conflicting emotions and very few people to talk this through with. I want to make the most of my life and be the best I can be. But whether that means focusing on my family or my career, I'm not too sure.

Alikay

When your child is 18 you'll be able to move wherever you choose, and your child can also choose with whom they wish to live. Until that time, I'd say you need to be near your child if you want to keep access levels as they are.

What sort of distances are you talking about btw? 60/70 miles (which can be as little as an hour's drive) or the other end of the country?

what_t0_do

The thought of living and working here for the next 13 years makes me feel very depressed if I'm honest. Unless work prospects here magically improved overnight.

The distance would be about 120 miles (just over 2 hours?).

go_cat

Do you want full custody in the future?

How far are we talking distance wise?

Could you drive to fetch your child or would your exDH be willing to meet half way?

nathand_2

I think you should move and work out a new arrangement.

13 years is a long time to put your life on hold. If you can get a better more highly paid job then go for it.

what_t0_do

If I went for the jobs I've been contacted about I could increase my wage by about 40% within a year. I'm talking about companies like Amazon and Google, the sorts of jobs that most people in my industry would be mad to say no to. It's unfortunate for me that the particular skills I have are massively in demand, just not where I live

balletshoes

won't you miss your child?

I know we're all different, and I'm not the NRP of my daughter, but I couldn't move away from her if it meant seeing her less.

I'm not judging, I'm just asking the question.

nathand_2

what_t0_do wrote: »

If I went for the jobs I've been contacted about I could increase my wage by about 40% within a year. I'm talking about companies like Amazon and Google, the sorts of jobs that most people in my industry would be mad to say no to. It's unfortunate for me that the particular skills I have are massively in demand, just not where I live

Then what are you waiting for? Surely the quality of the time you spend with your child is better than the quantity. I'm definitely not suggesting trying to 'buy love' but more money means more options such as days out together etc.

Marisco

nathand wrote: »

I think you should move and work out a new arrangement.

13 years is a long time to put your life on hold. If you can get a better more highly paid job then go for it.

Have to agree here. Would anyone expect the father to lose out on a good job and put his life on hold? I doubt it somehow.

Spendless

Sorry, am I missing something here? You say you are the NRP and see your child every 3rd weekend and for 50% of all school hols. Why does that have to change if you move 2 hours drive away? You might need to re-jig the times you pick up and drop off on your weekends. Presumably you sort out your annual leave in order to have your child for 1/2 the school hols, so if you are off what difference will it make?

what_t0_do

balletshoes wrote: »

won't you miss your child?

I know we're all different, and I'm not the NRP of my daughter, but I couldn't move away from her if it meant seeing her less.

I'm not judging, I'm just asking the question.

I would miss her, terribly. I suppose if I knew I wouldn't, there would be no dilemma and I wouldn't be posting here. I also know my dd would miss me, which is harder to deal with.

I was reading another thread on here today titled "To have children or not - how do you decide???" where there were a few people saying how it's not socially acceptable to say you regret having children, but actually its not that uncommon for people to feel that way. I know if I had my time again, I would have at least waited and actually thought about what I wanted from life before having children, and actually I do regret rushing into it when I was so young. I love DD to bits of course, have to add that as a disclaimer. I just don't know if I would have ever wanted children if I hadn't unexpectedly fallen pregnant so young.