My friend is ill and my other friends don't seem to care!

stuckonthespot

Hi everyone, I'm feeling really sad and frustrated about this issue that I've got so if anyone has any constructive advice it would be most welcome

I'm in a little group of friends, I'm going to call them Anna, Beth and Claire to make this easier to explain or I'll get myself in a muddle.

Sadly a while back we found out that Anna is terminally ill. Beth, Claire and I were all obviously very upset and concerned and rushed round to spend time with Anna. But as time has gone on I feel like Beth and Claire just don't seem to care as much as I do and they haven't been to see her for ages. Beth and Claire are both lovely caring people normally so I'm feeling quite hurt about this, and if that's me then I can only imagine how Anna must be feeling. Us all meeting us has just gradually trailed off, they've always got excuses about how busy they are, now I do get that they do both have busy lives, young kids etc but personally I can't see how anything is more important than spending time with someone you love who is going to die. We see each other less now than we did before we found out Anna was ill. Neither Beth or Claire has been outright nasty or rude about it but it's always "I have to take James to piano lessons that night" and no suggestion of another time to meet, neither of them ever get in touch first, it's always me or Anna send a txt about meeting up. I don't understand how they can be like this? Especially when I see photos of one or the other at a party on Facebook and I think "was that really more important?". I don't expect them to sit at home moping but when they have excuses for literally months on end, surely they can spare one measly evening?

I know the obvious answer is "stuff them" but it gets more complicated in that Anna lives a little way from me, there's no public transport going near her house, Beth and Claire drive so they were giving me a lift, they had to drive past my house to get to Anna's anyway and both know I'm not well off so I'd slip them a fiver towards petrol but a taxi is far more. So now I feel guilty because as well as being upset that they don't seem to be bothered enough to visit Anna, it means that I can't afford to see her very often either, I managed to see her once in the past few weeks ish because I can't afford a taxi fare all the time.

I'm fed up of feeling guilty about not going as often as I'd like and fed up of being angry/upset that my friends don't seem to want to. Especially as, the horrible truth is that very soon it will be too late to fix it.

londonsurrey

People can be selfish. You can't change them.

That adage of "You find out who your friends are? (when times are hard)", it's absolutely true, and you're seeing it unfold before your eyes.

I know what I'm talking about. I was widowed at 38, we were very generous and helpful people, there were nearly 100 people at the funeral, and guess how many have called or visited me since then?

If you can't see her, then call her. For something like £15 a month, I have unlimited calls to landline phones. You could subscribe to something like that to chat to Anna.


Don't waste your time on selfish hypocritical people, just concentrate on doing what YOU can.

balletshoes

is there anyone else, a family member perhaps, that you could offer some petrol money to, so they could drive you to Anna's for a visit? I'd do that for family if the situation was explained to me.

You can't control what Beth and Claire do, as far as visiting/meeting up with Anna is concerned or anything else.

Judith_W

Unfortunately I suspect part of the reason they are not meeting up as often is because they don't know how to act around Anna. The group dynamics have changed and they may not know how to handle it, or what they can talk about as plans for the future are out, complaining about little things may seem thoughtless, and Anna may not be fit enough to participate in activities.

podperson

Unfortunately you can't control other people's behaviour - maybe they feel awkward around her and don't know what to say/how to act or maybe they are just simply being selfish but either way I would just keep trying to make the effort yourself. Is Anna at the stage where you always have to go to hers - or would she maybe like a change of scenery sometimes to come to yours or go shopping or for coffee etc. Do you have to get a taxi every time - are there no buses that go that way, or any other friends/family who could offer an occasional lift.

Wellyboots6

I agree with what Judith_W said.

Could you suggest a specific plan, such as going to visit Anna to watch some girlie DVDs and do the popcorn thing?

They may feel better if the evening has a 'theme' and something to distract from having to make conversation that they don't quite know how to handle.

floss2

I'm sorry to hear that your friends illness is causing you distress.

I would agree that Beth & Claire don't seem to know how to deal with a friend who is terminally ill. It is not a skill that we are born with - it gnerally only comes with experience and working it out your own way. Perhaps Anna does not really look so ill and it's hard to believe, perhaps her appearance has changed from the person she once was. Whatever it is, they are struggling to deal with it.

I would allow them to carry on as they are doing, and you carry on as you are. Everybody is different and behaves in different ways and the world would be a very boring place if we were all the same.

Bennifred

You sound like a lovely friend, stuckonthespot! :T

It really does come as a surprise how friends can drop away when your life circumstances change - on the other hand it can be lovely to realise who your true friends are, and they are even more precious.

I think some people really cannot deal with illness/death, and move away so that they don't have to think about it or deal with it. Very hurtful i you are on the receiving end, or supporting a friend like you are. I think you have to forgive their weaknesses, and encourage them not to be afraid by eg invitations to specific occasions. Or if you think it would be productive you could directly point out that they appear to be avoiding your ill friend at a time when she needs them and shame them into being more supportive!

Do ring your ill friend if you can't visit too often - just so she knows you're thinking of her, and care enough to phone. Perhaps send a card?

jumpedtheshark

As much as you'd like to change Beth and Claire's attitudes, you can't. So, I'd focus on making your time with Anna count.

What about Skyping Anna? That's sometimes more fun and interactive than phone calls and it's free.

meritaten

hun, I have worked with a lot of people who have or have had cancer or another terminal illness. Some 'friends' will stay away......not just because they dont know what to do or say or are 'busy', but, emotionally they just cannot handle knowing thier friend is dying. its easy to condemn them as uncaring or selfish - but, sometimes its because they care 'too much'! perhaps a quiet word with them telling them that their friend is missing them, that she is still the same 'Anna' and that in future they may regret missing these last times with her? offer to be with them when they visit? or ask them to make a quick visit or just a phone call? if they dont respond to this then I am afraid there is little you can do.
Just try to be as supportive to Anna as you can - is there a charity nearby where she can get help and support from people?

Turtle

I agree that it's likely Beth and Claire don't know how to act with Anna and it is this, rather than that they don't know how to act, that is causing them to see Anna less.

Last Friday I went to my best friend's funeral. She was 38, and died of cancer. I had been seeing her every couple of weeks these last few months and this didn't seem enough, but I know she had other friends she saw much less often and I'm sure it's not because they didn't care.

Perhaps you could just come right out with it and try and talk to Beth and Clare about this. They may just need some reassurance, and I'm sure when Anna is no longer with you they will feel better knowing they were good friend's to her.