Whats the difference between spying on your children and checking on them?

BLUEBIE

Whats the difference between spying on your kids, i.e reading their diary etc, and checking up on them, I often read my dd facebook messages, texts messages and check her internet history.

I thought I was doing this to protect her etc, however there was a thread a few days ago about someone who read their daughters diary and this was seen as spying so where does the line get drawn?

Maybe its an age thing, my dd is 13 btw.

Bee

emsywoo123

BLUEBIE wrote: »

Whats the difference between spying on your kids, i.e reading their diary etc, and checking up on them, I often read my dd facebook messages, texts messages and check her internet history.

I thought I was doing this to protect her etc, however there was a thread a few days ago about someone who read their daughters diary and this was seen as spying so where does the line get drawn?

Maybe its an age thing, my dd is 13 btw.

Bee

Does she know you are doing it?

BLUEBIE

She knows I have her passwords and her fb email address is my email address so I guess so.

onlyroz

I think the difference is whether it is done with the knowledge and permission of the person.

balletshoes

I would never read my daughter's diary, thats private.

However, I do have her internet site passwords etc, she knows this, and she knows that I will and have read her messages online and on her phone.

The reason for this (and again, we discussed this with her before she was allowed on any internet sites with chat, pm etc) is that online anyone could be contacting her, not just her friends, and so theres more to be concerned about online compared to her thoughts in private in a diary that no-one else sees.

I also check her public messages online, again she knows this, she has been told if theres anything inappropriate on there she will be made to remove it, and if I ever have to tell her more than once, she'll lose her privileges (sp) to use those sites.

podperson

I would never read my child's diary. I still remember finding out my mum had read mine and it was the most horrible feeling of complete betrayal. It's hard as a child to have your own space and privacy as it is and to find my mum had been reading my intimate thoughts (thought looking back they were probably very insignificant in the grand scheme of things) really did feel like I was being 'spied ' on.

I think probably honesty is the key. If you explain to a child beforehand, for example, that they are only allowed online on the basis that you WILL be periodically checking their facebook/email/messages etc along with an explanation on the possible dangers of the internet/reasons you are doing it than that's one thing - doing it slyly behind their back in another imo and more likely to lead to them trying to hide things from you.

daska

I got accused of spying on DSD because I mentioned that something she posted turned up in my feed. And IIRC someone else criticised me for eavesdropping when I mentioned that I was usually in the same room when her mum called because SS had told us we must monitor them. In my mind neither of these accusations are justifiable. Not least because DSD and I locked down her FB a/c together so she knew exactly who could see what, and with the phonecalls DSD knew I was there and her mum had been informed by SS that we had been told to do this.

Reading a diary is a bit different though. I guess it depends on the motive behind it and whether the person writing knows this will happen. If she knows you will read it then I think it's perfectly acceptable. If she doesn't then, unless you think she's in trouble/danger (emotionally, physically, mentally etc) then it could be viewed as a step too far.

I guess what I'm saying is that you have to consider the context, the motive and the accuser - it isn't a simple yes or no answer.

peachyprice

Our (by 'our' I mean all parents, not just me & OH) children know that we know their online passswords, one the conditions of having internet access, email, BBM, FB (at the appropriate age) is that we will have free access in order to keep them safe. Checking they are safe is not spying.

Anything posted out there on social media (clue is in the name 'social' media) like FB, Twitter, BBM etc was never private to begin with. Children, and far too many adults, need to learn that posting on FB is leaving yourself wide open for the world to comment, if it's private, keep it private, but for the love of god don't get all uppity because someone has commented on something you put up there for everyone to see.

A diary is something else entirley, it's a very private thing, unless it it written at the kitchen table and left around for family reading it should be considered their own private space. A diary is journal of your childs deepest most private thoughts and it written for their eyes only, to read a diary of a child without their consent is spying and is the ultimate betrayal of trust.

IMO.

Lovelyjoolz

Absolutely agreed. Facebook/email/twitter etc should always be monitored by parents.

My stepdaughter almost got herself into a pickle on MSN Messenger when she was 13. Someone she was chatting to was pressuring her to meet up and she almost did, but we used to record the conversations and read them through later. Something didn't feel right about some of the things he was saying and we told her, in no uncertain terms that she was to block this person and not have anything to do with them. As it turns out, this "12 year old boy" was actually 45 and trying to groom her :eek:
She always knew that we were reading those conversations however - I don't believe anything should be done behind their backs.

Diaries however, KEEP OUT! My diary was an absolute lifeline and helped me a great deal through those troubesome early teen years. If I had known my mum was reading it I wouldn't have been so honest in it and the 'therapy' it gave me would not have so efficient.

marisco_2

To me checking on your children means having really good communication with them. Making an effort to sit down with them each day and talk about how things are for them.

As a child, through my teens and until I left home my family always sat down for dinner together at the table and talked. My parents were good listeners and very supportive. This helped me trust and respect them and want to share things with them. Even through my difficult teenage years. My mum did confide in me a few years ago that if she wanted me to talk more she would cook something for dinner I wasn't keen on. I would mess around for ages pushing food round my plate with my fork, talking lots to distract them while I gave most of my dinner to the dog

To this day my parents are still the people I turn to first if I need to talk about things or want advice.

Spying on children to me means finding out information about them without their knowledge or consent. Such as reading diaries, looking at text messages, emails etc. I would hate it if someone did that to me so I make a point of not doing this with my kids.

Alikay

As a teen I was very secretive, and didn't like telling my parents more than I needed to. My kids were the same. I think it's more about a stage of development and learning independence than anything to do with open communication or trust. Some children may be very open and honest, another in the same family less so.

Obviously there are risks to young people, and since we no longer have the tight communities and friends/family/neighbours to keep us in the loop and nip any problem behaviour or liaisons in the bud, I guess taking a peep at their Facebook or text messages is a way to help parents keep kids safe.